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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To prefer them not to go to this wedding?

43 replies

StealthToasts · 20/06/2021 10:11

DP and I are due to get married in the next few weeks. We had originally been booked in for last May but obviously couldn't go ahead and since then our venue went under, so we had to start from scratch a few months ago.

It's all finally coming together, but DP's parents have told us today they've been invited to a wedding on the Wednesday when our wedding's the next weekend. It's a friend of a friend. They're pretty excited (it's a nice venue near where they live) but DP and I are a bit concerned they run the risk of being contact traced and our wedding could be jeopardised - because they wouldn't be able to attend and also because it's on a piece of land connected to their house so not really appropriate if they're in the house isolating.

DP has told them we are concerned but they said it will be fine. Do we just have to put it out of our heads? I don't think there is anything we can do to go ahead if they do have to isolate. We don't have insurance (found it impossible to get any meaningful coverage since the pandemic) so would lose our deposits on everything and I don't think I could face rescheduling when everything is so uncertain still. We would probably just call it quits.

Thank you for your thoughts!

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 20/06/2021 10:59

Just saw your latest update - they absolutely couldn’t expect you to cancel in those circumstances. That would be a relationship ender for me.

PacifyLulu · 20/06/2021 11:03

[quote StealthToasts]@PacifyLulu I'm not convinced they would be ok with us going ahead, no. Perhaps that is something for DP to ask them but I fear at this point it wouldn't go down that well and we might not get a sensible answer![/quote]
I think in your position I’d want DP to speak to them. What’s his position on this?

Original poster

StealthToasts · 20/06/2021 11:20

@PacifyLulu DP is quite fatalistic about things 😂 his parents hadn't clocked that they could be contact traced from the wedding. He pointed it out and that they wouldn't be able to come to ours but all they would say was it will be fine - they'll never get traced...end of conversation! He figures there's nothing we can do. I'd prefer to know what would happen in that situation - i.e. would they actually let us go ahead. But I suppose there is nothing we can do at this point regardless of the answer to that question, which I and he strongly suspect would be no. We lost some money when our old venue went under and their attitude was "you win some you lose some" and it shouldn't stop us putting the same money into rescheduling. The same would probably apply to ourdeposits this time round!

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/06/2021 11:23

Unless isolating they run the risk every day of being contract traced. If they miss it, it’s down to them as they know the risks involved.
I thought the 30 people limit was much better in terms of risk and safety given there is no requirement to test etc.

PacifyLulu · 20/06/2021 11:24

It’s a tricky situation alright! Would you still be able to have the ceremony even if you had to cancel the celebration? Would you want to still go ahead with the ceremony?
It probably is a small risk but I’d want the options worked out in my head agreed of time so I wasn’t panicking / making decisions under pressure if the worst did happen.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 20/06/2021 11:28

as long as they understand that their choice means they might have to miss your wedding then there's nothing else you can do.

they made their minds up, they will have to suffer consequences if it comes to that. shit for your DH but what could he do?

I'd go ahead and let the chips fall where they may.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 20/06/2021 11:34

What is the chance of them being contact traced where you are?

It seems prevalent on MN but I don’t know anyone locally who has been contacted since November, and I have friends who seem to be everywhere. I’ve probably been out once or twice a week and I’ve never been contacted. We’re in a medium risk area.

To be honest though, it’s their call - and I think it’d be difficult to explain not going to one wedding to go to another two days later.

From their “we’ll never get traced” conversation, I presume they don’t intend to check in, which I wouldn’t encourage and isn’t in the spirit of things; but I expect they’re not alone and it does mean they’re unlikely to be contacted.

I’d just push this out of your mind, to be honest, or you’ll spend the run up to your wedding fretting about a “what if” that you have no control over; and that might not happen.

lilyofthewasteland · 20/06/2021 11:36

Dpd will still deliver to your house when self-isolating as long as you stay inside and leave a plague warning sign on the door with a note of where to leave the parcel.

So you could put little warning signs around the property to warn guests from straying too close, and your parents could dangle extension leads out the letterbox and wave at you all from the upstairs window like the Royal Family doing a balcony appearance.

Problem solved

FunMcCool · 20/06/2021 11:53

@StealthToasts why do you think they’ll get Covid at the wedding?

Gullible2021 · 20/06/2021 11:59

Have they both been double vaccinated?

On the news last night it was mentioned that the government might imminently change the rules around isolation for those double vaccinated so that they wouldn't need to isolate at all, just test everyday and isolate if positive.

TeenMinusTests · 20/06/2021 11:59

If you are old enough to be getting married, then they are old enough to be double vaccinated. They are talking about not making double jabbed people isolate.
We are going to a wedding soon and understand all the guests are being asked to do LFTs beforehand anyway.

But I do see your point.

BlueSurfer · 20/06/2021 12:01

Out of interest are you and your fiancé/fiancée planning on isolating for ten days beforehand (longer really, just in case you catch covid and then need a lengthy period to recover)? Because that is what has the potential to ruin your wedding plans and nothing else.

FlyNow · 20/06/2021 12:17

But it feels a bit different to me to go to a big event (80 or more people) versus go to the shops.

I see why you are worried, but shops eg supermarkets have hundreds of people in them at once. They could skip the wedding and decide to have a nice dinner at home instead, pop to the supermarket to pick up the ingredients, and later be traced as a contact. Meanwhile the other wedding is fine. Unless you are asking them to totally isolate for two weeks, which is obviously unreasonable, it's pointless.

rookiemere · 20/06/2021 12:18

I can totally understand your concern, but also their desire to go to a wedding that clearly they must have some connection to, or wouldn't have been invited.

I think you - or preferably your DP - has to let them know that even if they can't attend, the wedding will be going ahead and hopefully there will be no problems.

Posieandpip · 20/06/2021 12:45

Yeah you're being unreasonable, sorry. You can't tell them not to go.

Nanny0gg · 20/06/2021 13:16

@StealthToasts

Thanks, all. Completely accept that people might have to isolate anyway and will not be locking themselves up for two weeks before! I'm under no illusions that our wedding means so much to anyone but us

But it feels a bit different to me to go to a big event (80 or more people) versus go to the shops.

Lots more people at the shops.

Are you all vaccinated? Anyone going to work?

Soverymuchfruit · 20/06/2021 14:02

I'd prefer to know what would happen in that situation - i.e. would they actually let us go ahead. But I suppose there is nothing we can do at this point regardless of the answer to that question, which I and he strongly suspect would be no. We lost some money when our old venue went under and their attitude was "you win some you lose some" and it shouldn't stop us putting the same money into rescheduling. The same would probably apply to ourdeposits this time round!

Hang on. There is really nothing practicalto stop the wedding going ahead if they are isolating in the house - your DP can arrange with them a no contact way to pass through the things that will need plugging in. Really, that can be done. Or worst case, go without power during the day and his a generator for the evening.

If your wedding gets cancelled, it gets cancelled due to their whim alone. That's not "you win some, you lose some", that's a deliberate kick in the teeth from them. In which case, honestly, asking them to cover all the money you've lost is perfectly reasonable.

I think you need to put out off your minds the very idea that they'd make you cancel. Instead, work out with your DP how you'd manage if they were isolating. IF it comes to that, he goes straight in with explaining how it will work. If they reply "no, cancel" he should respond first with absolute disbelief (even if feigned) and second with letting them know how much they'd owe you in that case.

MoveOnTheCards · 21/06/2021 15:12

If they are prepared to actually make you cancel your wedding based on their contracting covid like this then you’re about to get some pretty mean ILs OP. Would they do that to the son and DIL-to-be? Or would they just sit it out and celebrate with you later on when they’re able?

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