How do I help 6 year old adjust to move?

[LittleBlackCat22]

We moved to a new area 4 months ago and she’s still hating us for it. She hates the house, she hates the new school and her behaviour is vile. We tried really easing up on her but her behaviour just got worse so we need to put some boundaries back in place. I’ve just had enough this morning, he standing at the end of my bed telling me she hates me. What do I do? I moved at a similar age and got over it pretty quickly but she’s not coping with it at all.
She has lots of friends she’s made here, she’s out every evening playing with other kids on the street. She’s not being bullied at school, she’s doing well and have had excellent feedback from her teachers. My partner is really struggling with her. He is not her biological dad but has been her dad since she’s was 3. She tells him she hates him all the time and nothing he does is helping with her. I’m pregnant and just a crying mess all the time.
Anybody please help with getting her settled. Life would be perfect atm if it wasn’t for this. She’s never had a tantrum before so I just don’t know how to deal with them.

Sorry op, sounds tough. Massive changes for her. New school, home, new baby so her whole world changed. She is still adjusting. Keep talking to her, get her to break down what she hates exactly. She is only 6 yo. Take her out for some one on one time, maybe she will open up?

She just wants to live in our old house and go to her old school.

Of course she does - but that will pass

OP when you posted before, did you try out any of the suggestions posted gave you?

*posters

Maybe its time for you to be firm with the behaviour. Is she picking up that you feel guilty in some way?

@SmidgenofaPigeon yea I’ve tried everything. She’s just getting worse.

I’m bipolar and not on my meds atm and I really need to try and not have a breakdown for the sake of everyone. But she is making my life so miserable atm.

How do you respond when she tells you she hates you?

I wouldn’t tolerate that, she’s old enough to know that words hurt and to be able to choose her words more carefully.

Op, I agree lots of huge changes for her, some things she is enjoying but it sounds like she has some big feelings that she is struggling to express. Can you do some emotional work with her - zones of regulation, positive reinforcing of things she is doing well with, sticker charts for when she does well to focus on something positive for her?
Agree with 1-1 time with her
Did she get to decorate her room or have any say in the changes? (School, room, area?). I’m not saying she makes all the decisions but being asked about choices?

So a new sibling on the way at the same time as moving home, school and friends. 4 months is nothing. And she's previously experienced major disruption in her young life already as evidenced by the fact your partner is her stepdad, which is an added factor in the significance of new sibling.

She's not you and she's not having the much simpler easier moving experience you had. Stop making that comparison, the two situations are not comparable.

Do you think you might be underestimating quite how much she's trying to cope with?

Other than saying she hates you what's going on for you to call her behaviour "vile" ? That's a very strong word for a young, distressed child.

Everything else that made her feel secure and safe has gone, so she does need the security of consistent boundaries. Although punishing her for distress won't be helpful - what do you do to help her manage overwhelming emotions?

She was the one who wanted to move here and she chose her school. Her room is decorated exactly how she wanted it. Sticker charts haven’t worked.

She’s now finally doing what I’ve asked her to do but it took an hour of arguing and me threatening to get rid of all of her art stuff (that’s what’s he’s used to make the mess I’ve asked her to clear away).
I asked her to get dressed, she asked me to pick something out for her but she won’t accept anything I picked so I told her to just dress herself then like she does every other morning and now she’s having another big tantrum. I’m just lying in bed crying again.

Safe couldn’t possibly make a big decision like that and all that entailed at 6 years old. She would have had no idea what it meant in reality. It obviously wasn’t her decision to move at all, she’s 6.

You’ve asked her to get dressed, fine, up to her if she wants to have a big silly tantrum over it. Engage with her when she’s calm and ready to use her words.

I think she’s really pushing your buttons but she’s obviously getting a lot of reaction out of you, there must be a lot of negative feeling going back and forth. Have you tried bright breezy, firm no nonsense instructions? Walk away, leave her to it. She’s obviously getting lots of your attention right now but it’s not very positive.

I don’t have time to leave her to it this morning because we’ve got places to be.

I was asked if she was asked if she wanted to move, which is why I mentioned it being her idea. Obviously I’m not pinning the move on her it was very much mine and my partners decision but she was definitely happy with it and was excited. She had stayed in this house many times before and often said how she wishes we lived here instead.

But she is making my life so miserable atm.

What the hell?

You're the one who just turned her safe and secure little life upside down.

You're pregnant and currently blaming your six year old for standing in the way of your perfect life. You keep retreating / crying.

Of course that's going to affect her.

@LittleBlackCat22

I don’t have time to leave her to it this morning because we’ve got places to be.

I was asked if she was asked if she wanted to move, which is why I mentioned it being her idea. Obviously I’m not pinning the move on her it was very much mine and my partners decision but she was definitely happy with it and was excited. She had stayed in this house many times before and often said how she wishes we lived here instead.

Have you moved into your partner's house then rather than a new family home?

You can’t ask a six year old if they want to move! It’s no more of a big thing for them then saying ‘do you want to go on holiday this summer?’ They have no idea what the hell they’re saying on big life decisions like that. They’ll say yes if they think that’s what you want to hear too. Obviously it’s done now and I’m sure in the long run it’ll be ok but right now the permanent reality of it is dawning on her big time.

For right now, I would say “ okay, Susan, I can see you don’t want to get dressed. That’s fine, you can make that choice, but we can’t go to the park/make pancakes/whatever else if you’re not dressed”.

Then I would reading books about moving, films where people move house etc. Show her that it’s ok to be sad. But reinforce the discipline that she needs.

Does she know what to do when she’s sad? Model it for her. “Today, I feel sad that I miss my friend. I’m going to look at pictures of a fun time we had, and then write her a letter. That will help me feel happy. Would you like to write to Jane( name of old school friend)? You could draw your bedroom”.

Sounds like she feels a lack of control. Can you give her a project that's just her own?

I agree with tornadosequins. You haven't 'ruined her life' but you have made a decision that's seriously affecting her.

Have you actually sat her down and had a conversation? Can you cuddle up, just you and her, and have a gentle, calm chat about how she is feeling? Give her space to explain it to you, just listen, don't be defensive or try and fix it, just let her get it off her chest.

@tornadosequins

But she is making my life so miserable atm.

What the hell?

You're the one who just turned her safe and secure little life upside down.

You're pregnant and currently blaming your six year old for standing in the way of your perfect life. You keep retreating / crying.

Of course that's going to affect her.

Poor little girl. So many life changes for her, no wonder she is struggling.

Six year olds need adults who are in control. She has moved house and changed schools. These are events beyond her control and she has nothing solid to count on, as you are retreating to your bed and crying.
She needs very firm boundaries putting in place, to bolster her confidence in the fact that the adults around her are in control and she can feel secure.

@Greenandcabbagelooking yes she’s really good at talking about her emotions. We practise mindfulness and I’ve always been very open with her about my condition and how talking about what’s making you sad etc is very important. She feels safe around us which is why she’s being so brassy with it I think, she would never speak to anyone else like this. Maybe she just needs more time to adjust.

You say that she knew the house before you moved there; have you both moved in with your partner or something.
If so, this is very different to 'just' moving house / school.

Can the school offer any extra support/counselling? Is there a family link worker?
The past year and a half has been disruptive enough for 6 year olds who haven’t had the additional stress of relocating and a new sibling coming as well.

We owned the house, but we air bnb’d it for a few years so we’ve always spent holidays there. Finally had enough money to pay off the mortgage, plus with income from another property we rent, we now have enough money to live comfortably on one wage while I finish maternity leave and then finish my qualifications (guaranteed huge pay rise on completion!)

We haven’t done this to ruin her life, we’ve done it for her. We can now afford for her to all the clubs she wants to do, we can afford to take her on holiday, there more oooertunity here. We used to live very rural and there was nothing that wasn’t an hours drive away whereas now everything is on our doorstep. I know lockdown hasn’t helped, we’ve not been able to take her too all the places we wanted to and due to severe morning sickness I’ve not been able to get out and about much either. She is starting to have days where she is better but then on those odd off days she’s much worse.

I sympathise with you.
I disagree oh you made her move and turned her world upside down and your having another baby as if it is a blame game.
Situations and life is forever changing.
Can your daughter email or post a letter to a friend or have a phone call to them.
After a major change it seems any age causes upset and the helpful thing to do is not direct any blame but try keep her talking and for saying she hates you use a time out we do not talk to each other like that perhaps.
I think special time with you one on one a project or hobby you both enjoy may help you hopefully.
Do not feel you have to justify your move or lifestyle because it is a move in the right direction.
It is time for a time out seat for the hate comments.