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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this comment about a mutual friend's death offensive? ( *Trigger Warning)*

45 replies

flowersss · 19/06/2021 19:42

The thread I'm going to write is about cancer, so if you or someone you know is affected, you might want to stop reading as I don't want to cause upset to anyone

We have a friend who recently died of stage 4 breast cancer. She died really quickly, within 9 months of her diagnosis. She was fairly young, only 38 with 3 young children.

This was and still is very upsetting. We were able to visit her in the hospital and she died one hour after we had left.

A week after the funeral my partner, I and a friend of ours went to her husband's house to see him and to see how he was doing. We then drove back to our friend's house. Our friend said in the car that "she probably didn't get her breasts checked out". I was quite offended by that as there is no way we would know the exact back story of her cancer ( and I would never ask).

When we arrived at my friend's house his girlfriend repeated that she probably didn't check her breasts. When I said there's no way we could know that she insisted and gave me a long speech about how one should examine their breasts and that she knows all that because her mother is a nurse.

Obviously, I know how important it is to examine your breasts for lumps ( I'm not a dummy), but I'm still so taken aback by what they said that I now think quite negatively about them.
It's possible that she was negligent and didn't check her breasts, but I think it's inappropriate to say that after the poor woman has already died. Almost blaming her for her own death.

Also, I could imagine a scenario where breast cancer stays undetected and is quite aggressive and when you find it, it's already too late.

AIBU to be offended by their comments?

OP posts:
gettingfedupagain · 19/06/2021 19:45

It sounds like it was her way of rationalising it and dealing with her own bereavement trauma. It's a terrifying disease and your friend is probably trying to find some comfort in her ideas of how she could try to avoid the same fate herself through vigilance. Be kind to each other, you must all be very raw

WetWeekends · 19/06/2021 19:46

I think that’s awful and I would be extremely annoyed. I’ve had close family members die very young from cancer and would have to tell them I thought they were out of order if someone had talked about my family like that. I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

EinAugenblickBitte · 19/06/2021 19:46

Not U at all, she was being Insensitive. So sorry about your friend Flowers

FricasseeTurnips · 19/06/2021 19:46

It's self-preservation, isn't it. "I do this, so I'm safe" "she can't have done that, that's why it happened to her - I'll be safe if I do the opposite." If they had to accept that she had checked her breasts and still died - well, that's scary for them.

MyNameForToday1980 · 19/06/2021 19:48

First rule of engagement: if someone dies of cancer, it's not okay to somehow make it their fault.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss. I understand how devestating it is.

Mrsjayy · 19/06/2021 19:49

Yes they were all kinds of offensive. I am sorry you have lost your friend Flowers

Awfuldefending · 19/06/2021 19:50

I was diagnosed in December with breast cancer and the doctor said that it would have been a long time for me to be able to feel the lump.
And I check my boobs every month.
RIP your friend.

Chloemol · 19/06/2021 19:50

I find it offensive. I lost a friend breast cancer, and yes she checked hers that’s how she found the first lump

RavingAnnie · 19/06/2021 19:54

I agree, it's her way of dealing with her own anxiety and grief ie it won't happen to me as o check my breasts. Maybe also a bit of worry over the same thing happening to other people she cares about which is maybe why she keeps saying it - check your breasts so I won't lose you too.

It's insensitive also I agree but maybe try to cut her some slack.

fourquenelles · 19/06/2021 19:54

Offensive, ignorant and totally lacking in emotional intelligence. It is possible to have cancer without a lump for one. The comment also smacks of "I won't get cancer because I check" yeh I hope that works out for her.

Stupid woman.

M0rT · 19/06/2021 19:55

I'm really sorry for your loss. Flowers
I have stage 4 breast cancer and my lump was so close to the chest wall that the very experienced oncologist couldn't find it when he examined me.
I think pp are right though, this is a superstitious blame the victim thing. They are trying to avert the "evil eye" by separating themselves from the person who died.
I understand it but to be honest I no longer really spend time with people like that anymore. Mainly cause they're scared of catching the cancer Grin

Original poster
flowersss · 19/06/2021 19:58

@FricasseeTurnips

It's self-preservation, isn't it. "I do this, so I'm safe" "she can't have done that, that's why it happened to her - I'll be safe if I do the opposite." If they had to accept that she had checked her breasts and still died - well, that's scary for them.
I agree it's also about self-preservation. We all do that to an extent, but I suppose what annoyed me is that they said it so openly and proudly and to me, it sounded very much like they were blaming her for her own death.
OP posts:
tornadosequins · 19/06/2021 19:58

Some breast cancers are incredibly aggressive.

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, how careful you are, how much treatment you have, how positive your mindset is... terrible things happen to you and you die. Life isn't about fairness.

At best, this person was trying to make herself feel safer about the possibility of this happening to her, but regardless it was inexcusable behaviour.

Blaming someone for dying from a horrible illness make her a dickhead. I'm not sure I could forgive such behaviour tbh.

GappyValley · 19/06/2021 19:59

My friend found a lump in her left breast, so went to the doctor who sent her to hospital to get it checked

The mammogram came back all clear for the lump she found, but found an advanced tumour in her right breast.
Despite diligent and regular checking, she hasn’t found it and probably never would have.

Self checking isn’t a perfect system.

But I agree with others that your friend was probably trying to rationalise something and convince herself it wouldn’t happen to her

Letsgetreadytocrumble · 19/06/2021 20:00

I agree it's a survival mode thing - I do things differently to what she did, so what happened to her won't happen to me

Really offensive to say it out loud though, I can see why you are upset. Checking your boobs is really important and charities like CoppaFeel have done great things to raise awareness around this issue. But if you don't even know how she came to be diagnosed (or even if you do tbh) then it's pretty horrible of her to voice those thoughts.

FuzzyWuzzyWas · 19/06/2021 20:00

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your friend. And I agree, your other friend’s comments were hugely insensitive. Even if it is their way of dealing with their own grief.
Something else to consider is that if she left behind a young family it’s quite possible her cancer was very responsive to hormones and it’s also possible that any breast changes if they were noticed could have been attributed to normal breast changes due to pregnancies rather than cancer. Such a bastard disease. 💐

Original poster
flowersss · 19/06/2021 20:01

@M0rT

I'm really sorry for your loss. Flowers I have stage 4 breast cancer and my lump was so close to the chest wall that the very experienced oncologist couldn't find it when he examined me. I think pp are right though, this is a superstitious blame the victim thing. They are trying to avert the "evil eye" by separating themselves from the person who died. I understand it but to be honest I no longer really spend time with people like that anymore. Mainly cause they're scared of catching the cancer Grin
I'm so sorry for your diagnosis and wish you all the strength in the world. I hope I didn't upset you with my post. Flowers
OP posts:
RandomCatGenerator · 19/06/2021 20:01

Her comments were super shitty. I’m sorry :(

A person I considered a very close friend behaved like this when a friend of ours died, as a result of an epileptic fit that happened when she was in the bath. Their response was ‘it was so stupid of her to take a bath’. I haven’t spoken to them since.

Letsgetreadytocrumble · 19/06/2021 20:02

And yes, some breast cancers are really aggressive and even with a very early initial Stage 1 diagnosis can end up ripping through the body at a terrifying rate.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

NiceGerbil · 19/06/2021 20:02

YANBU

However I think it was this thing people do a lot where they are frightened, had a shock etc and so think of reasons it won't happen to them.

I'm so sorry about your friend that is devastating.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 19/06/2021 20:02

I would have said "So, let me get this straight, are you blaming (friend) for getting cancer?" and made her squirm with shame.

baldafrique · 19/06/2021 20:05

I would feel the same OP. Its inappropriate for them to say that. Who even thinks such a thing?! Weirdos.

baldafrique · 19/06/2021 20:06

My MIL has lung cancer and my friends first comment was "does she smoke?" - ermmmm go fuck yourself

Babymeanswashing · 19/06/2021 20:08

Was this recently?

Original poster
flowersss · 19/06/2021 20:09

I forgot to mention in the initial thread that his girlfriend wasn't friends with our friend, I think she hasn't even met her once.

So I'm buying the argument that this is how he deals with his grief, but not for her.

I don't think she had particular grief ( which I don't expect her to as she didn't know her), but at least she shouldn't talk about things that she doesn't know about.

OP posts: