AIBU to ask my DP to clean up his own house?

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Been together with my DP for 2.5 yrs, live an hour apart, see each other every other weekend and the odd night in the week. No plans to move in together as we have our own kids.

He has a beautiful old house, but it is stuffed with clutter. I used to love going there but I’ve become v. sensitive to stepping over piles of stuff in corridors and some of the rooms (which has been on its way to charity for a very long time). He also acquires new bits of furniture / pictures / antiques / other stuff now and again but rarely gets rid of anything. Loads of toys and general family bits and pieces everywhere. It’s not hoarding territory but enough to make me a bit twitchy.

I’m pretty tidy and appreciate clear spaces to relax in. I’m finding in increasingly oppressive to spend any length of time there. The kitchen and bedroom are clear and functional but everywhere else is pretty messy. It’s also pretty dusty as hard to keep anything clean when there are no clear surfaces.

I’ve offered to spend the day helping him bag stuff up to take to charity / dump, but he gets pretty defensive, refuses, and says that he’ll get round to it soon. He works FT, has 50/50 care of his 3 kids, and a big garden to take care of, so is pretty busy. Overall, he doesn’t see the clutter as a problem, it’s his house, and I only visit a couple of times a month (he comes to mine pretty regularly).

I couldn’t sleep last night for the thought of all this stuff everywhere (I have insomnia, so the mess isn’t the only trigger but I’m kind of fixating on it now). We’d like to spend more time together by me working from there a couple of days a week but I can’t face being surrounded by stuff.

Any suggestions from you wise souls as to how I might handle this effectively? Our relationship and communication is good otherwise.

AIBU to need a tidy space to chill in when I’m there or should I butt out of the way he runs his family house?

It's his house, so up to him how he wants it really. Can you just hang out mostly in the kitchen and bedroom if they are pretty clutter free?

I don’t think there is much more you can do that you haven’t already done, i.e. make the suggestion and offer to help.

Tell him you struggle to cope with the level of untidiness that is his normal and can he compromise so you feel more comfortable there?

I would be exactly the same as you, however it is his house so he can have it how he wants.

Just try to spend even more time at your house. He won't change, so if longer term you think you may want to move in with each other I would think carefully about it as he really won't change his ways. I couldn't live like it and I would be totally on edge.

He won’t do it. It’s just not how he lives. You have to just be straight and tell him you aren’t comfortable spending more time at his and certainly not working there.

Your dp sounds like my mil’s house, stuff everywhere and lots of good intentions or sorting it out. To be honest, I’don’t think there’s a lot you can do, apart from take/the bagged up charity stuff to the charity shops, if you happen to be passing that way.

If you plan to work there a couple of days a week, can you suggest that you need an area to work in, and clear that space.

Do you think it’s laziness, or he just likes stuff? My mil is definantly the latter - she just loves buying books and things.

Do you intend to live together in the future? If so, you are going to have to come to terms with how he lives. He will always be a hoarder, maybe not to such a big extent, but will always have stuff.

Couldn’t be with a man who allowed his three children to live in an environment like that.

If it’s that bad, then it’s shit for them too

If it’s not that bad, then… not your problem if you don’t live there

Obviously he knows you don't like it but this is how he prefers to live.

Did you see yourselves moving in together at some point? If you couldn't live like this then there's not much chance of that is there? I could happily have a relationship long term with someone I had no intention of living with (would prefer it) but is that what you had in mind?

Thanks for understanding, all. He loved old stuff and loves a bargain, so gets quite a kick from auction sites. Like came back with about 20 framed pictures once, they lay around for a few months, and then went back to auction. He loves old furniture so some of the rooms are pretty stuffed (think antique shop), which makes it hard to just chill and watch a film or whatever.

He's not lazy. He works his butt off for his kids, cooks meals from scratch etc., but keeping a clutter-free house is just not a priority. I'm far from a minimalist but get massive satisfaction from sending unwanted stuff to charity, passing it on, etc.

I also think it's basic manners to clear up before someone (i.e. me) comes over but this has pretty much never happened. I feel welcome otherwise, though.

When we go on holiday he's quite tidy, which tells me the problem is the amount of stuff in his house rather than any lazy habits.

I think it's probably down to me now to accept that his environment is arranged the way he likes it, which is quite at odds with my style.

No plans to live together - vague plans to get neighbouring houses a few years down the line.

DP was like this, the way it stopped was when he had to go to SE Asia for a year and let out his flat. All his stuff was packed up and stored at my house. When he came back, the flat was pristine and I let him have his boxes back two at a time (apart from essentials which were done the first weekend) - he sorted out what he wanted & what could be thrown then. I also said to him that if he didn't get a cleaner, I wasn't hanging around. He got a cleaner & we're still together 20 years later.

Is it hoarding?