To be angry at my Mum for discussing my relationship problems with my Nan?

[Bakingmad001]

I’m 28 and having relationship problems, (nothing to do with abuse or violence) and one day I was a little stressed and I confided in my Mum as she’s never been judgemental or controlling. I asked her to not tell anyone as I was so embarrassed and only trusted her. She promised to keep it to herself. Today I saw a text come through on her phone from my Nan regarding my specific relationship problem and how shocked she was etc.
I confronted my Mum and it’s all blown up. We had a row and she doesn’t understand why I’m so angry. It’s not just about the specific problem, it’s also the fact she’s gone against my wishes and her word. I could understand if they were concerned for my safety or health but the text’s came across as they’re gossiping. AIBU to be angry? should I apologise to my Mum for being angry?

I wouldn't apologise. You told her in confidence and it wasn't something that was putting you at risk. She was out of order telling her mother and should apologise to you.

Urgh my mum does this. Tells her sister too. I don't tell her anything as a result

YANBU

I’d be upset too. My DM has a big mouth so I tend not to tell her everything, but can understand if she’s usually quite trustworthy then this would have been much more of a blow.

Did she explain why she’d told your DGM?

You asked her not to tell anyone, she couldn't help herself, she told nana. She betrayed your trust. You have nothing to apologise for. She might turn it round and say you had no right looking at her phone messages. I would just say you are really upset, disappointed and dont confide in her anymore. She knows she fucked up which is why she is arguing, what was her excuse. I would msg mum and nana to say how hurt you are, tell them this was a private matter and you expected their support.

She promised to keep it to herself

So she specifically agreed to keep your personal info confidential yet she can't understand why you're upset that she broke her promise?

Is this honestly the first time she's done anything like this, OP?

It seems odd that this behaviour would come out of the blue - does she have a good relationship with her DM or do you think she might have used your issues to detract from her own with her DM or something?

Still not ok, of course - it just seems strange that she'd suddenly forget how to keep people's confidences if she does usually.

I had this happen just once and it really floored me because she never normally told anyone anything and it was something so personal. We had words and I think she was mortified, I never told her anything again which is a shame as I'd always trusted her discretion before. I didn't drag it out after the initial "words" and forgot about it but was quite sad really. I didn't apologise, it wasn't for me to, nor do I think, should you, op.

Don't apologise.

Your mother was VERY wrong.

But she will be the loser in this, because I doubt you will ever really trust her again.

I think discretion is a very import trait and once someone shows me that they are indiscreet I am instantly done.

I can definitely do a superficial relationship but I would never tell them anything that I wouldn't be happy shouting over a tannoy system.

Perhaps your mother is very close to her mother and is so use to telling your grandmother stuff it just came out, and she knows your GM is very discreet.

Unfortunately that doesn't change the fact that she broke your trust.

You must be so upset.
So lovely to have a mum you can confide in and trust.

Are you not close to your grandma ? I know some teenagers confide in DGP rather than parents . Not excusing your mum but maybe she wanted another perspective and as your grandma is very close family she discussed it with her rather than your dad maybe . Hopefully they both love you and would be concerned x

It’s made me question anything I’ve ever told her now. I only found out this time as I saw the text message. It really has floored me. It’s a shame as I feel I won’t be able to confide in her again.

@WhatTheFlap She told my Nan because my Nan had asked how me and my DP were.
I can’t stand gossip

@Bakingmad001

I’m 28 and having relationship problems, (nothing to do with abuse or violence) and one day I was a little stressed and I confided in my Mum as she’s never been judgemental or controlling. I asked her to not tell anyone as I was so embarrassed and only trusted her. She promised to keep it to herself. Today I saw a text come through on her phone from my Nan regarding my specific relationship problem and how shocked she was etc. I confronted my Mum and it’s all blown up. We had a row and she doesn’t understand why I’m so angry. It’s not just about the specific problem, it’s also the fact she’s gone against my wishes and her word. I could understand if they were concerned for my safety or health but the text’s came across as they’re gossiping. AIBU to be angry? should I apologise to my Mum for being angry?

If my DD confided in me about something, I wouldn't consider telling my Mom as telling anyone. You needed someone to talk to, and so confided in your mom. Surely, your mom needs the same. She's also human therefore she talked to her Mom. I doubt either of them will discuss it at their book clubs. Parents need support too. Be understanding. If I were Mom, I wouldn't apologise. Totally legit to talk about my dc troubles with my dear Mom.

@Running20 I’m with you on this one. It was just anyone. Sometimes when we are told something upsetting, it can be hard not to discuss it with someone you trust. I doubt you DGM would have spread the word.

Agree with @Running20

The mum was being asked to be the grown up, not run to her own mother like a little child. Who else’s is she allowed to confide in who also has a relationship with the OP and who the OP would therefore surely tell if she wanted them to know?

Perhaps your mum was upset and needed someone she could trust to talk to.it doesn't necessarily follow your nan will gossip.Your mum was trusting her own mum too.
Only you know your mum and whether she needed support herself as she has other things going on in her life.
I would go back to your mum and calmly explain why you are angry.She may not understand your point of view and you can agree to disagree,but with problems at home ,don't put yourself under additional stress by continuing to be angry.
It really is not worth it and you only get one mum.love is a much nicer emotion to hold within us than anger.🌈

My mother does this sort of thing. I absolutely hate it.

One too many times over the years, especially to family members, and now I say very little of a personal nature to her. Unfortunately she has no respect for my privacy, has proved herself to have a big mouth.

It's upsetting that it's come to this... and my mum now regards me as 'cold'. I'm not cold, I just don't want to share much with her anymore.

Great posts above.
Good to really reflect on OP.

Was your mum just gossiping about younand your little worries...

Or...

Was she discreetly confiding in her mother, your GM, that she was very concerned about you and her worries about you?

If it waa pure relating some "relationship issues" of the youth of today....then you know that it is your choice never to tell her anything again.

Either way, you clearly feel betrayed and I feel huge sympathy for you.

I would be furious. Such a gross lack of respect from your own mother is horrible. I wouldn't be telling her a fucking thing from now on.

I get both sides of this. My dd does tell me a lot of stuff that I’d like to run by my dm for perspective but my dm has passed,so I can’t. But if she were still alive I’d like her perspective on some things, however she would never discuss stuff with anyone else.

Sadly I know whatever I tell my mum ends up being told to my Nan and auntie, therefore I am very private and don’t say anything anymore.
We’re not talking about anything upsetting and them needing advice for, it’s just plain gossiping.

Mine does this. Repeats things to my sisters behind my back, whatever current boyfriend etc. All while judging me herself and saves things up to throw back at me when I'm least expecting it. Tell her nothing personal in future.