Advice needed from parents with kids in elite sport regarding other parents

[Homeontherangeuk]

My dd is nearly 9 & has been accepted onto an elite gymnastics programme & moved to the top junior squad in her club.. So basically since that happened I've had friends requests on fb & insta from parents of other gymnasts in her age group from around the uk.. I would only know these parents to smile & say hi at at comps... Now I'm getting private messages asking what comps dd is planning to attend etc & I'm like wtf... Another mom I wouldn't know also followed me on insta & messaged to say she was delighted for dd progressing so quickly, so well deserved etc but another child didn't deserve her placing as she's always over marked... Wtf... Please experienced sports or dance parents advice me on the best practice regarding protecting my child & me from gossip & also politely steering clear of thes mom's...

gymnastics and dance elite world is crazy brutal and toxic to be honest.

Most mother live through their kids- shocking

I don’t know about the gym world but my son plays tennis pretty competitively and most of the parents chat about what comps the kids are doing, good squads and coaches etc, there’s a lot of sharing of information. Some parents are full on but it sounds like yours are off the scale!
In your position I would politely discuss comps and general things and just ignore any bitching. If it gets too much you can say “I don’t feel comfortable talking about other children behind their backs”.

Get her out of it. Honestly my best advice. It's a world so toxic I would never ever ever put my child through it and it's not coming from a place of jealousy, I promise.
Most of these mum's are living their dreams through their kids and it's incredibly toxic and unsafe.
I would keep her in a lower squad or rec, but maybe thats my trauma talking.

I’d echo Ozgirl. It’s karate here, and apart from different clubs in our association, I don’t hear from/message any other parents.

I might recognise other people at competitions, but that’s it.

The only other contact I’ve had is where the competition organisers assisted in making up teams using kids from different clubs so the kids didn’t miss out competing in teams if the individual clubs couldn’t field teams in all age groups. My daughter was put in a team that our coach was happy to allow the Irish coach to take control of. He was great and we always speak to him if we see him, and I will comment if I see him posting. I thought it was great for my 8 year old to get a team opportunity, he was good with her, and also gave feedback on my other daughter when she fought one of his team.

Bonkers and weird. Are they checking out the competition? All sounds so false and insincere

Unfortunately it’s part and partial of elite sports, both my Ds are top academy footballers and their secondary schools have received reports as it’s unfair they are also in school sports teams....

Ignore, ignore ignore - when I get messages comments like yours I simply don’t reply or even acknowledge them.

*Received complaints that they are in school sport teams

You don't need to get drawn into the "well X didn't deserve her place" conversations.

My ds is a swimmer. 99% of parents are normal and pleased for their own and others children for succeeding.

A few seem to think that because their kid is good at 12 they'll be always top and destined for the olympics - and not only steer every conversation to how great their child is but worse - tell their children off for not winning or getting a PB.

I would give facts. She's attending X comp - will we see you there? If asked. I wouldn't volunteer information or get into discussions about what she's doing. Just say the coach likes to confirm nearer the time as she's still so young.

Don't respond to anything about other children. Just don't even act as if you've heard it or read it.

Just concentrate if supporting your dd and making sure she's nutritionalised well, has a good sleep/ training balance and a good sport/life balance.

It's amazing how many children will drop out at 11/14 or 16 from elite sport.

It's then I actually do feel sorry for the insufferable parents who've lived their past years through their children's sport.

I always think as long as you aren't that parent you can pretty much ignore those who are!

Lock fb down to close friends and family only

Were you the poster who wasn't going to let your daughter go to a birthday party, as she was a potential for the Olympics in a few years time?

Yes that's me! I didn't say I wasn't going to let her go to a bday, I was asking for advice as she missed the previous weekends training & I got very helpful feedback from many parents with dc in competitive sports like the ones who have replied now with valuable information to a rookie parent like me!

Also never mentioned the Olympics at all, all I said she was in an elite sport which she is! Stop trying to twist my post & words..

If recommend watching Athlete A and think hard about whether this sort of environment is one you want for your child. 9 is very young.

You said missing things for training was part and parcel of being chosen as a future GB Olympian. Maybe competitive parents on social media comes with the territory too.

Don't accept any friend requests from them.

They are not your friends.

Keep your SM restricted to friends and family.

And it is for all kids at elite level in sports that compete in the Olympics.. I said it as a sweeping generalisation about elite sports not that my child only was a potential olympian.. Have you anything constructive to add like all the other very helpful posters?

Most Olympic sports don’t start hard competitive training at 9. And maybe it is a helpful post to point out that you are putting your child in a very toxic environment where adults are botching about her behind her back and that many more 9 year olds who are put through this regime burn out and miss out on their childhood than reach the Olympics.

Unfortunately @ineedaholidaynow she absolutely loves it but already she's doing 28 hours a week, this on top of schoolwork which I always prioritise .. I'm not from a sporting background, none of my friends have dc in competitive sports & I simply don't know the other parents enough to ask these types of questions. I wish she had chosen a different sport but she loves it.. I'm trying to protect her best I can & I am very vigilient to ensure she comes home happy & enthusiastic after training which so far she does...

So, as a fellow elite parent who is many years down the line, my advice is to disengage.

After training simply ask of she had a good session. No what did you do, did you learn x skill. That stays in the gym. Also tell her that if she isn’t happy there are other clubs, other coaches- and also listen for tales of other kids being punished for whatever reason- this is a big red flag and likely she is being punished too, just doesn’t want to tell you.

As for other parents, “i don’t know, the coaches arrange squads/training/comps, I keep out of it!”

My dd is on the fringes of this. I choose that she has no social media, and I don’t put her on mine other than the odd holiday snap. I know some parents curate their dd’s social media as part of their career aspirations - I personally won’t engage with that. Would you find it easier just not to have anything about her gym on your social media?

I choose that she has no social media, and I don’t put her on mine other than the odd holiday snap. I know some parents curate their dd’s social media as part of their career aspirations - I personally won’t engage with that. Would you find it easier just not to have anything about her gym on your social media?

I agree. Mine has social media now as they are 16 and has aspirations of a US uni scholarship. Unfortunately in the UK it is extremely difficult to balance education and elite sport, and if they want to go to Uni and carry on training the US is the only way.

I don't have much about her on my page at all, they must have just searched me & added friend. The gym often have training videos of her & her teammates which I consented to on her membership form.. Kids in her age group have their own social media monitered by parents but we won't be doing this...
Her coaches are very nice but very busy with the gymnasts, I don't want to approach them with these a trivial matter about dealing with social media mums & asking what their intentions are 😁

They’re adding you as they want to be able to keep tabs on what your DD is doing, how much training and if you share pictures of her doing something really good. They’ll whip themselves up onto a frenzy because you’ve posted a pic or checked in at the gym and their DD isn’t practising that day. They’ll check if you’ve been to different competitions to their DD to see how she got on. Children’s elite sport is brutal and it’s not the children that make it so…

They don't want to be friends with you

They want to glean information about your dd from FB, Instagram, whatever else so they can compare their child's progress to yours

Every other child is in competition with your dd

Eek! Sounds a bit unhinged. I bet it'd be a much nicer experience for you both if you don't engage with the other mums. Just focus on DD - and best of luck to her

(I wonder if there's an easier way to find other 'normal' parents who aren't engaging in the nonsense, as you'll probably want someone to chat to sometimes about the whole thing but not just outsiders, as people who don't like or play sports can be just as annoying, cutting off everything you say with "ohh yuck, sport, I hate sport" or "is it really healthy you letting your child do things? I'm not a fan of children doing things." Before you know it you'll be longing for a chat with Gym Moms...)