Advice needed from parents with kids in elite sport regarding other parents

[Homeontherangeuk]

My dd is nearly 9 & has been accepted onto an elite gymnastics programme & moved to the top junior squad in her club.. So basically since that happened I've had friends requests on fb & insta from parents of other gymnasts in her age group from around the uk.. I would only know these parents to smile & say hi at at comps... Now I'm getting private messages asking what comps dd is planning to attend etc & I'm like wtf... Another mom I wouldn't know also followed me on insta & messaged to say she was delighted for dd progressing so quickly, so well deserved etc but another child didn't deserve her placing as she's always over marked... Wtf... Please experienced sports or dance parents advice me on the best practice regarding protecting my child & me from gossip & also politely steering clear of thes mom's...

So basically since that happened I've had friends requests on fb & insta from parents of other gymnasts in her age group from around the uk

How on earth do parents from all around the UK suddenly know your name just because your DD has been accepted in to the top junior squad in her club ? Sounds bonkers

You know that kids get dropped from these elite tracks because they can't manage x skill in y weeks? Or that they don't overcome their fear of the beam as quickly as the coach thinks they should?

DD3 did rec gym and they used to train at the same time as the elite girls. I got talking to one Mum and her daughter had been dropped because she had a bad accident on the beam then didn't overcome her fear quick enough. She was literally elite one week and rec the next. She was still wearing her little shorts with her name in crystals. So sad.

I also knew an ex. elite gymnast - she was in a group of 4 girls who trained into their teens together. 3 of them had either been managed out or injured out by the time i knew her. The last girl did reasonably well internationally, but what a cost.

I actually don’t think it’s trivial to be asking about social media. They might have a policy or guidance and I certainly wouldn’t want to be engaging with random parents you don’t know. I’d also say if in 28 hours of training you feel you can’t speak to the coach about legitimate worry, I’d be thinking about re-evaluating your relationship with the club. Your daughter spends as many hours there as many adults do at work. You should feel able to ask a quick question of the coaches or someone in the office at the club.

Oh and btw, even by gymnastics standards 28 hours is very high for a 9 year old.

I am willing to put money on the chance she will have overuse injuries within two years.

What is the injury rate for this gym? How many that are on an elite squad are still there at 12?

28 hours seems so high, assume this will only get worse when older and how does that then fit in with school?

OP wasn’t asking about whether her DD should continue with the sport or whether her training program was reasonable etc. This is what it is for gymnastics and they’ve obviously decided that’s what they are doing.

As for the parents, my experience with my child training for a different sport but one regularly compared to gymnastics is to keep away from them all. Pleasantries only but don’t get into what your DD is or isn’t doing and even more so don’t talk about what other kids are doing. Just ignore and stay out if it.

@WhoDidAndWhy

OP wasn’t asking about whether her DD should continue with the sport or whether her training program was reasonable etc. This is what it is for gymnastics and they’ve obviously decided that’s what they are doing.

As for the parents, my experience with my child training for a different sport but one regularly compared to gymnastics is to keep away from them all. Pleasantries only but don’t get into what your DD is or isn’t doing and even more so don’t talk about what other kids are doing. Just ignore and stay out if it.

Thanks so much for the reply, this exactly the sort of advice I need. I'll do exactly that, I find the fakeness & over friendliness very strange, it makes me feel uncomfortable & guarded, I'm afraid of saying something wrong... Thanks for also keeping this thread to the topic I asked about specifically... We know the ends & outs of what it entails, the injury rates, safeguarding etc & I am aware that my main role is to protect & support my daughter. She's good & she loves it, she wants to be on the elite team & also the UK elite programme she was chosen for... I just want advice on the social etiquettes & dealing with other parents as this is something we can't research & I'm sure it all spills over in into most high performing athletes & dancers...

We have a ds performing music at a high level so not quite the same. We're a bit bemused by the whole thing because we're not particularly musical or anything, but he's really dedicated.

I tend to just be superficially polite. I don't talk about what ds is doing, what he's playing, where he's playing, what scholarship he might be aiming for, what he's decided not to go for. I try to talk about other aspects of their kids lives but often there's not much else.
It's weirdly lonely because I'd love to find another parent like me, sometimes I genuinely want so advice from someone, but they'd be on any sign of weakness like piranhas.
When he first joined the music school all the choristers were on the verge of being weeded out as their voices broke so the parents were all pushing their kids to get good enough at an instrument to be kept in the school and the gossip was crazy. I'd never seen anything like it. Someone should make it into a TV show.

I agree with someone further up who said to keep it light and whatever you do don't get sucked into discussing other kids. Sometimes it's hard to avoid but really try.

To be honest I have found sporting parents to be a mixed bag, a bit like playground parents. The competitive ones, the ones looking for advice/help, the laid back ones.
In my son's sport you get some lovely people that ask how he's doing, congratulate him when he is playing well and you can have a great chat with them and just a general chat of where is your kid at levels/comps entering etc and be good friends with and pass the day with. And then you get the others that gossip about kids/coaches/parents only ask for info about mine to benefit theirs being too damn nosy and also watch him play a match to gain tips to give their kids on how to beat him. And this started at 10. Now 15 so the bad ones just get more and more competitive and are the ones not happy with their kid unless they are winning, making the kid even more miserable. I know some moaned as mine has got a sponsorship for his equipment etc but those moaning are not really liked by those that run events etc as they think their kids are superior, when they are not. With mine its been a train hard, play to win (or improve) but the rest of it is fun. He has made some great friends that he has missed over lock down, not competed since last March and I have some that I am looking forward to seeing. And others not so much. Those I get on with are on my fb. The rest I ignore. My fb is for fun not solely about his sport. Good luck

Ignore, I have 2 elite sports children and some of the parents live through their children, I had one who could tell one of my children’s scores for the past year. One competes for their country, the other for their region. it’s hard but I completely disengage from anything but civilities with other parents. Their sport is gymnastics too but different disciplines

Appreciate everyone who took the time to post.. The social side is hard to navigate, due to covid parents restrictions in place in our gym parents aren't allowed stay in the viewing area so I don't get any interaction with the parents in our club as such...
It's more the parents from other clubs that have tried starting up social media conversations.
OP I guess they found me if they saw a video of dd on the clubs social media, viewed my comment & knew we were related due to matching surnames! Not too difficult to put & 2 together... The messages gave been like "well done to X, she was amazing at the weekend! Where is she competing next week? Not decided where we're going yet"... All along those lines....

Your 9 in year DD trains 28 hours per week?...and you have no background in elite gym.
Drop her hours, she'll burn out by the time she's 11 at that rate!

And lockdown your SM, it's pure nosiness, nothing else 🤷‍♀️ welcome to the world of gym mom's!

No, I've no background, to be fair I doubt many parents would? I pay her fees & drive her to gym but that's all. Yes 28 hours unless there's a on the weekend, she's the youngest on the elite A squad her hours had to increase if she wanted a spot.

And also due to her spot on the UKs national development programme.. This is when all the random social media messages & friends requests started...

I think you sre worrying about nothing. SM friends are not 'friends' for many people are they? They are just acquaintances. I tbink you might find it useful in the future.

It sounds horrible - the stalking etc.

Are you sure you want your DC to participate at such an elite level rather than keeping it as a competitive sport hobby?

Dd competes at 3 sports - two of which are male dominated endurance sports.

Personally I really like meeting other parents from other clubs. It’s nice to meet people who have kids just like dd - particularly mums of girls - there are not that many of us around!

There are some parents who are really scary but with endurance sports you can spot them easily (they are screaming at their kids to put more effort in rather than “keep going Lizzie - you are doing brilliantly”) and I just avoid them. (They are mainly dads anyway!)

After a while you start to see the same people over and over at competition and it is really nice.

@randomess she's good & has been given the opportunity to do the sport at the highest level.
She loves it, always looks forward to training & gets on very well with her teammates. If she wants to discontinue for any reason, we won't stand in her way. I'd want it to be her choice. I wouldn't want her looking back in years to come & think her parents made her step back from a sport she loved & was progressing in... I'm not worried about that right now... Its the bloody mums, I've had another message wondering if dd was invited to a training camp...

Develop the hide of a rhino and lock down your SM.

If DD ever wants to step away from gymnastics Cheer is great fun, team sport and someone naturally talented as she clearly is could easily represent England when she's older. Many athletes do both sports but obviously gym is far too many hours for anything else at elite.

I wish you luck in dealing with what sound like crazy over invested parents!

Stay off SM is the answer
DD began competing at 7, and there are always some odd parents, but you soon learn who to avoid.

Thanks, I will, I got an unpleasant vibe from a couple of the new "friends" about other little ones & feel forewarned is forearmed...! This isn't from parents within the club dd is the youngest on the clubs elite group so wouldnt be direct competition present...

@Knitwit101

We have a ds performing music at a high level so not quite the same. We're a bit bemused by the whole thing because we're not particularly musical or anything, but he's really dedicated.

I tend to just be superficially polite. I don't talk about what ds is doing, what he's playing, where he's playing, what scholarship he might be aiming for, what he's decided not to go for. I try to talk about other aspects of their kids lives but often there's not much else.
It's weirdly lonely because I'd love to find another parent like me, sometimes I genuinely want so advice from someone, but they'd be on any sign of weakness like piranhas.
When he first joined the music school all the choristers were on the verge of being weeded out as their voices broke so the parents were all pushing their kids to get good enough at an instrument to be kept in the school and the gossip was crazy. I'd never seen anything like it. Someone should make it into a TV show.

I agree with someone further up who said to keep it light and whatever you do don't get sucked into discussing other kids. Sometimes it's hard to avoid but really try.

This is very interesting, thanks for replying. I think if there's any activity which needs alot of parental support both practically (lifts, comp entries etc) & financially the claws come out & parents only care for their own at the end of the day... I think social media has added new dynamic though..

Every other child is in competition with your dd
This hits the nail on the head. Disengage, and just be polite, friendly - and vague.

@mustardrose, I love that word vague that's what I'll aspire to be thank you! I am trying to be guarded but I think vague is the word I need!

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend

Unfortunately it’s part and partial of elite sports, both my Ds are top academy footballers and their secondary schools have received reports as it’s unfair they are also in school sports teams....

Ignore, ignore ignore - when I get messages comments like yours I simply don’t reply or even acknowledge them.

I can imagine football is cut throat, especially when there's big clubs, money & national teams at the end of it. Yes I'll just ignore from now on. It makes me feel quite rattled to get these messages off strangers but they all have the same opening as some even call me hon🙄 Hey Hon, saw x on your clubs insta today, she's in great form, did it take her long to get that new skill? Will she be brave enough to do at the weekend? She's brilliant!.... Along those lines....