Moving out when husband most vulnerable

[frazzledpregnantlady]

My husband and I are both a bit burnt out. We had both feeling quite overburdened prior to the pandemic. Ironically, I made a (now laughable) plan to even put out work-life balance for 2020. We both have front line jobs in critical care and so had a pretty stressful year (like the rest of the world). I’ve been increasingly worried about my husbands mental state for a while. I’ve been lobbying that we both need a proper break (the last time we went on holiday was 2018). He has been studying hard for a professional qualification and keeping up a crazy revision schedule on top of working. He also has recently found out that his mum’s cancer has spread and she is awaiting further investigations. I don’t think he has much reserve left and as a result has been quite emotionally labile. Sometimes he is lovely and normal but he has a short fuse, he can explode in temper with minimum provocation or break down sobbing uncontrollably.
I’ve been trying to support him as best as I can. He sat his exam last week so I’ve been hanging on to this point hoping that it might be the light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, the exam did not
go well and his mood has been worse. I hoped that we might be able to rebalance our lives finally but he is planning to restart revision after a weeks holiday. He is driving himself harder and harder & feels that he can’t focus on anything else until he has passed.
I’m 24 weeks pregnant. Pregnancy has been a bit rough and I’ve been juggling work and looking after a toddler. In the past week, my blood pressure has been starting to go up and I’ve had pre-eclampsia previously. I’ve also been having regular Brixton hicks. Starting to get freaked out that stress is driving me into preterm labour/making me well. I’m considering moving myself and my son in with my parents for a period whilst he rebalances his head to try to reduce my stress levels. I’m worried that this might precipitate a breakdown on his behalf and I’m not sure if I can cope from the fallout of that. I’m essentially his entire support network, the pressure of being which is too much for me to deal with right now. I love him and want to be there for him so I feel horribly conflicted: guilty for abandoning him when he needs me most but I also feel a duty to look after my unborn child.

I think you need to look after yourself. Can't pour from an empty jug and all that.
Maybe you and dc not being around will also give dh some headspace. Not that I'm suggesting you're responsible in any way for his stress.
Try to phrase it as "my parents have offered to have ds and I for a few days, I think we'll go". Don't make it sound like a big deal, separation or anything.

It sounds like you both need some mental health support.

How well do you communicate with each other? Have you outlined your worries to him and does he open up to you about his anxieties?

You describe your husband as being the vulnerable one but you are 24 weeks pregnant and have a toddler. Give yourself a break, the situation sounds volatile.

There are obviously lots of reasons for him and you to be stressed and tightly wound and emotional.

However he needs help and a break and if he won’t acknowledge that then you should go and get a break.

Having had BP problems in two pregnancies you absolutely need some calm.

I'd spin it too him as space for him to revise - order in a food shop with his favourite treats - and head off to your folks to get yourself feeling better. If there's no improvement on your return, then a hard chat needs to be had

He needs an alternative source of support, while you are able to de-stress and prioritise your own health for a bit.

Hopefully he's the type to get it, and he can access some proper counselling for work stress via work or study - you can see the fuse rapidly shortening- but a person in it can't sometimes see it for themselves.

Have you got supportive family or friends around you?

Thanks for the messages. We recently moved into the area so we don't have many friends but we do have my family.

We still don't know if he passed or not. The resit is in December so our new baby will be approx 2 months old if he resists. He spent approx 5 months studying (most evenings and weekends) for this sitting. He is now catching up on lots of on calls that he swapped for more time to study. He used up his entire annual leave allowance for the year to study (bar three days).

We do communicate. I have expressed how much I have been struggling to him and how much I need change after the exam. I think he blinkered me out a bit to focus on the exam.

I think part of the issue is his lack of insight. He just thinks the answer is to keep soldering on working harder and harder and can't seem to see how worn out he is. I'm quite a calm and level headed person, I rarely lose my rag or shout. Which might be part of the problem, If think there are less visible manifestations of my stress so I think he thinks I'm okay, despite me telling him that I'm not.

A couple of days after the exam, I told him that I needed change going forward. He basically said that he views the whole exam as the only non-negotiable commitment in his life (he can't progress in his career or focus on other things until he passes) whereas everything else can be "dropped".

If he’s a medic he urgently needs to see his GP. He could be a risk to others if he’s this stressed. One mistake can wreck your career as I’m sure you know.

Yes, consider a break but he needs to get well. Starting studying after one week is too much pressure.

Frazzled Tell him that if that is the case, you will consider yourself 'dropped' with ds and your unborn child, and will be leaving and living elsewhere until he gets his head out of his arse.

You and your children should be his non-negotiable priority. I have spent a lot of time in a marriage where I was, and still am, well down the list of priorities (I seem to rank about fourth or fifth, permanently), and it begins to grate eventually.

I'm feeling very down.

My husband and I have only spent one day together since he sat the exam last week and our next day off together is in thirteen days.

I expressed that I thought he was burnt out but did not feel like that I was in a strong enough position to support him in the way that he needs and worried that he was not in a position to support me either. I told him that I was feeling low and I'd been considering whether we both needed time space to mend and had been considering moving in with my parents for a bit. He basically, just said fine very matter of factly and said that he was going to be busy with work anyway so suggested that he moved out into hospital accommodation as soon as he is able to.

The thing is I don't want him to move out & I don't want to move out. I just want to spend some time with the man that I married. I want to do normal, incredibly boring things together. I feel excited about our future together but I just don't know how to help him when he won't help himself.

I told him that I didn't want him to move out. That I was feeling glum, emotional and sometimes that I just needed a hug and to hear how he was excited about our baby girl & our future too and that although we have been through a hard patch that there were good things just on the horizon. He just said "I can't tell you that, because I don't feel any of those things".

I feel very alone.

Your update is very sad, OP. He doesn't sound well but you also need to protect yourself and children.

Is there someone else he might accept a mini-intervention from? Right or wrong, you're too close for him to feel anything other than pressure from these conversations with him and that's counterproductive, but he does have a responsibility as a husband and father to take steps to be better in himself and as a support for you. You should not have to shoulder everything while he puts his entire life on hold for this qualification or his possible mental illness or both just because he refuses to do anything to alleviate the stress.

Look after yourself. It's a difficult situation but he's not looking after himself, he's leaning on you when it should be the other way round right now. Go let your parents look after you a bit. Just by being in a healthier environment (the moods) you'll be looking after yourself, reducing your stress levels etc too.

Tell his GP what's going on, maybe they'll call him up for a health check or something and this will get nipped in the bud before he has a breakdown. You leaving him might be the last straw that causes it, but he's making this a choice between your health and his. It's not the right attitude to have when he's got a toddler and a pregnant wife. You're supposed to be a team and he's acting solo, leaving you no choice but to do the same.

Is he sticking his head in the sand with revision so he can avoid feeling anything else or dealing with anything else? I think that's said to be the motivation behind people being workaholic, it's just another addiction. Understandable in his circumstances but you don't need to be on the receiving end of it. Pre-eclampsia can kill, you can't look after him or your children if you're dead.

I just don't know how to help him when he won't help himself.

The short answer to the above is that you can't.

Your update is sad OP. He's basically said he's not that bothered about your relationship and the new baby and he's only really interested in his work. . This seems to be less about his health than you think and more about what he wants from life.

You might want your marriage to work but you can't have a relationship by yourself, it takes two. So sorry you're in this situation

@frazzledpregnantlady I am an anaesthetic registrar and sounds like your husband is sitting the FRCA or FFICM. They are horrifically stressful exams, I have the FRCA, and sadly the pressure to pass is immense. On top of what will have been an awful year and a bit clinically with covid. I’m so sorry you are going through this too.

The Practitioner Health Programme is a service many doctors are using (I have) and can provided tailored support to him www.practitionerhealth.nhs.uk

I had a severe period of burn out and needed time off and a lot of support to get through it but I’m now in a much better place. If you want to DM for more information please feel free and happy to signpost resources.

Sorry to come at this more with some practical support for your husband but I can imagine how he is feeling with the exam pressure on top of everything else. What the system does to trainees intolerable and makes me so angry that others are going through what I did.

It seems the unintentional ultimatum has given you a pretty good indicator of where he actually is with your relationship- he's happy for you to go stay with your parents, and to move out. He isn't as happy in the relationship as you thought, and he doesn't seem to find anything to 'fight' for at the moment. It seems like there is maybe more to this than just the exams, but he needs to talk to you, or maybe you do need the space at your parents to work out what you can and want to do.

He sounds depressed. Is he?

Your possible pre-eclampsia takes precedence over his exam. If going to your parents' house for a few days will help you have a healthier pregnancy, then leave without any sense of guilt.

Both of you have had a stressful time and he sounds totally overwhelmed. I think the person who pointed out that he is a hairsbreadth from making a possibly career-ending mistake at work is right. This seems a bit early to start revising for the next exam re-sit : no one can run a marathon for six months, especially after being in front-line care for the last year. He needs to pace himself.

I don't think he's not bothered about your relationship, more that he is so burned out that he's emotionally numb. He's just slogging through the days to get to his goal of getting past this "high stakes" exam so that he can get back to normal. The question is whether this approach to life is unique to the exam or whether he does EVERYTHING this way. In other words, are things every going to go back to normal, or is normal going to be him being like a taut wire for the next 10 years.

I'm going to go against the grain and suggest that you don't move out. I don't think that taking such a radical step will necessarily make you feel better. And it might be the end of your marriage.

I'm married to a medic though I am not a medic myself. The exam years were very tough, and we didn't have kids then. But... he hasn't stopped working hard. He doesn't have the same pressure of exams but he very rarely takes time off.

I've made my peace with it and have learned to live with it.

However, your situation is different if your DH is so obviously close to burnout. You need to help him to take some time out. Does he have a hobby or interest that he could turn back to? I know this might sound laughable if someone is working like crazy, but my DH has recently started a hobby and it has absolutely changed him for the better. Great for stress relief and his overall happiness levels.

I wonder if you can persuade him to postpone the next sitting of the exams? You definitely both need a holiday. And your DH might well need some more radical intervention. If depressed, then medication is the obvious step.

Can your parents have your DS overnight so that you can have time to discuss everything calmly?

Good luck OP.

Please focus on yourself. He's shown and outright said that you and your baby isn't his priority so you need to make sure you can or get support that isn't him. Hopefully he'll come around while you're still amenable to that idea!

He basically said that he views the whole exam as the only non-negotiable commitment in his life (he can't progress in his career or focus on other things until he passes) whereas everything else can be "dropped".

Unfortunately, he is wrong. Your pregnancy and toddler can’t be “dropped” and if he “drops” your marriage, it won’t be in the same place to let him pick it back up again.

I’m not saying his exams aren’t important or stressful, but it’s a choice to further your career and it’s also a choice to have a family.
Only a complete knob then decides to drop a pregnant wife and toddler. Total strangers would give you more support than him.

It sounds similar to a situation I was in with my husband. He ended up having a breakdown and I dragged him to the GP. Thankfully the GP was very supportive, listened to us both and gave good help.

Ultimately though, until he wants/seeks help, there is little you can do. It is like he is blinkered and believes that if he can just get through this exam then things can return to normal whilst ignoring that is is destroying the life he currently has. I'm sorry to hear your update. Unless he accepts the damage he's doing, I'm not sure what there is left for you to do.

You need to focus more on you, baby and toddler. You need to seek help where you can and keep trying to speak to him about the impact it's having on the family.

Does he have PTSD? It sounds like he may well do. Regardless, he needs urgent care for his mental health.

The professional support unit can help, or occupational health at his trust.

I've also worked on the front line during the pandemic, and my mental health has really suffered, as a result of PTSD. I hope he is able to access support. It's something that really isn't talked about enough, but a significant proportion, perhaps even the majority, of those who truly worked on the front line will be experiencing mental health difficulties as a result.

When does he get his results? He might not have to revise yet. If he does pass is he likely to obsess about something else work related? I don't think I could cope with my children never being his priority. Is he suggesting he move into the hospital so that you don't have to leave the home? Is he just seeing that as temporary until he passes? Or is he seeing it as a separation? I know it is common for male medics in particular to prioritise work above all else, and often frankly, to be hopeless at everything else, but I couldn't deal with that. I hope things improve for your family, what ever that takes.