To only be angry a friend now she has apologised?

[Pishybreeks]

So my friend went off the rails about 12 years ago with serious substance misuse problems. At the start I was very involved with her and her children's lives helping with child care, helping clean house when factor came to inspect, supporting her at docs etc, but I began to distance slightly when she started spending time with some really dodgy characters. Never went NC and still helped out with money now and again driving her places, helped her apply for access to foodbanks but did not actually spend the time together that we used to. During the later years she done some things like lie about needing money for an event with her dc ( then not going), borrowing clothes (that she then sold), stealing painkillers from my mum, and a few nasty comments to me. I was upset at these times but never enough to cut her off completely.

Anyway a few months ago she found god and is now sober and doing well. Part of her recovery involves apologising for her past wrongdoings. Since she apologised I find myself getting more and more angry about everything she done replaying them in my head but also the fact that she thinks literally saying a single sentence absolves her from everything. And blaming the drugs. She is doing well and is trying to be a bigger part of my life, but I actually struggle to be civil now. AIBU for only getting really angry now after she has apologised?
I am happy for her and her family that she is now in recovery and thriving, so its not a weird power dynamic thing.

Its understandable.

Back then she had serious problems so it wasn't 'her' doing these things, it was a result of the drug use.

Now she is 'better' its easier to be angry at her for everything you went through.

YANBU you can’t help how you feel. It probably feels like she has only apologised because she HAS to as part of her programme. It likely would have meant a lot more of it was just an off the cuff, “Thank you for everything you have done over the years, I’ll never be able to repay you for your kindness.” It probably irks you that she has been told to say sorry rather than just saying it herself. You are a good friend though, don’t doubt that.

Thanks, it's good to see a rational explanation for feeling like this. And despite the anger I am proud of her and feel guilty for being angry when she has come so far.

YANBU.
one "I'm sorry" doesn't cancel all of her previous behaviour and taking advantage of you.

but it's tricky, she's probably genuinely sorry but the only way she can prove it is to keep progressing and getting better, not with words.

so I suggest you take some time to feel your anger & hurt, have a pity party, cry, whatever. it's ok to allow yourself to get mad a bit.
it's a new situation for you so you need time to process your emotions (probably best if you keep seeing her much less while you are fuming. best for both of you)

eventually all the negative feelings will mellow out and maybe you can have a way to discuss your feelings with her?

whatever happens you were such a good friend to her and she's unlikely to be where she's now without all that you did for her. hopefully that will be something you can focus on to soothe your pain.

sending you big hugs x

She's probably part of a steps program where she has to apologise to people she has wronged. It will have taken a lot of courage and been quite awkward for her, so it may have seemed rushed and not as heartfelt as it should have.
Unfortunately for you it has brought a lot of memories back of the past. Her new spring in her step is built on all those favours and help you gave her and it is hard to swallow.
Now you know she is on the right track, maybe distance yourself until you can re-assess the relationship.

Now your friend is doing so well and has the support of people in her group you could distance yourself somewhat. Im not saying cut her off but just step back somewhat from the relationship and be a bit more "busy" when she contacts you. This will give you the opportunity to process your feelings.

@memberofthewedding

Now your friend is doing so well and has the support of people in her group you could distance yourself somewhat. Im not saying cut her off but just step back somewhat from the relationship and be a bit more "busy" when she contacts you. This will give you the opportunity to process your feelings.

I agree with this. I wouldn't be able to forget so quickly and I think for your own sanity you should create a bit of distance. It's great she's getting the help she needs and she now has more support so you can back away. You've been a rock to her. In her apology did she acknowledge and thank you for all you did for her and her kids? I hope so.

Her addiction might explain some of her behaviour but doesn’t completely excuse it. Her apology is just the start, for a proper apology she needs to understand the true consequences and implications of her behaviour towards you. I would suggest having a long conversation with her, detail all the times she hurt you and how that affected you/your family. It won’t be easy but long term it will help with her recovery. If you choose to stay friends state in certain terms that you won’t accept that behaviour from her again, but you will support her in her recovery the best you can.

YANBU. I think now that you know she's doing OK you can step away from this friendship altogether.

You've been a great friend, and gone above and beyond. Perhaps, in the fullness of time, you'll be able to have a full and frank discussion about both your feelings and experiences? That is probably the best way to move on, and to reestablish an equal friendship.

If its a 12 step, then its not just an apology, somehow, she has to make amends too www.verywellmind.com/a-study-of-step-9-69407

I would say part of her apologising should also allow you to fully explain your side and her to accept that and include this to her apology. It should feel more than lip service, she is saying sorry, but unless it is laid out for her to full acknowledge what is she sorry for. She probably does know it was bad, but she was off her face, she probably did have a shit time, but it is often that people who are addicted don't appreciate exactly what they put their loved ones through.

I think it's to be expected, you were probably angry before but suppressed this as you needed to keep a level head to provide appropriate help.

I think best to work through your anger with someone other than your friend, it's important to do this for you but too much for her to take on board right now. It sounds as if she is working through a steps programme but is still vulnerable.

You sound a great friend to her and in time she may be able to return that to you. It sounds as if you've done well so far but take care that neither you or her step into the victim / rescuer / perpetrator triangle (look up transactional analysis).

It’s incredibly hard to genuinely forgive an addict for the hell they put you through I think. I have a family member who actually has never apologised for all the lying, stealing and chaos, and expects everyone to act like it’s all fine. Even if he did apologise, it wouldn’t make it all better for me tbh - For me personally a few words cannot wipe out years of pain having been inflicted. I do not speak to him now.

I think you (and she) need to understand that it’s your choice if she gets to be in your life or not, and if so on what basis. You can accept the apology and still say “no thanks” to having her around, and that doesn’t make you a bad person.

She’s very, very lucky that you stuck be her like you did, but now she’s back on her feet maybe she doesn’t need you so much anymore? If you do want to continue, the relationship will need resetting and restablishing, which isn’t easy, and as PP said it should involve you having the opportunity to explain the impact of her actions.

Thanks everyone, your insights are really helpful.

Doorhandleghost it has been so much worse on her family than on me. So I can only imagine what you have gone through .

I think will take a step back for the moment and allow myself to be angry rather than stay very connected and grow resentful.

“ saying a single sentence absolves her from everything”

Is this the crux of the matter? It’s like she’s declared herself bankrupt and wiped the slate clean, (which is good in one sense), but you were there for all the rough times, and still have those memories. Also, has she fully thanked you for all your help?