Alcoholic parent

[Nats1984]

Don’t be a knob if you recognise us. Just don’t please.
So DM has been probably an alcoholic for 30 years or more . Admits it , blames it on first marriage to DF. ‘Had a vodka and orange before dropping you off to school to cope ‘ back in the 80’s. Fuck knows how she’s still alive really , bit of Keith Richards syndrome , only the good stuff, some sort of unusually proficient liver . It affected us all really , oldest child is a massive drunk and druggy and general dick head ( I’m not unsympathetic but he really is a total cunt and I’ve gone to enormous lengths to try and sort him out in the past and he’s just not a good father ) , second child , me is actually in a really good place after several years of poor choices and low self esteem and I really couldn’t be happier with life and I’m proud of my professional achievements and my children, children after this were largely raised by their ( very good and lovely ) father and now are sound adults with decent futures . She always blames her unhappiness on the husbands though ( my stepdad was lovely I love him lots ) . Yet knowing all this I still work very hard to keep her in our lives and try to involve her . I feel like she has an illness and in her best times she does try to be a good parent and grandparent. She was an awful mother at times , it took a lot to heal and overcome that damage. She always offers to care for my little boy and I just can’t let her, trust her although she adores him. She’s a little unpredictable. Today we met up , she was shakey , dressed nicely and a pleasure to spend time with but she looked crap. Shakey, yellow in the eyes and weak . She’s dying I think. And I think I’m gonna struggle with this. I keep pretending she’s a normal Nan , pretending my son will go to her house and she’s so desperate to be part of our lives but I can see she’s broken , I so want her to just be present for a bit and enjoy us but I need to be In control. Should I just invite her over more? So I’m still in control but she’s there ? Ahhh it’s so hard .

I feel you. My dad was the ‘shaky grandpa’ until Covid got him last year (he was on his way out due to alcohol anyway). Ultimately, please always put yourself and your child first and then fit her around that.

If you don't trust her to look after your child then don't let her, but spend more time with her on your terms. You sound great x x

Have her at your place more often, I think, because she is unlikely to live to a grand old age.
You may find yourselves forging a closer relationship now that you can control what you are exposed to.

It’s hard . I also had an alcoholic parent - we went without decent clothing, house was always a mess, coats bed to keep warm in Winter.
You sound amazing.
Have you thought Al-anon -support group for people with alcoholics in family?

I don’t think I’m amazing really I’ve monumentally cocked up bits of my life too. I’ve held it together Better though. I was well tucked into a bottle of wine earlier and ready to go to bed but DS suddenly started hacking and wheezing and they’ve had a dose of croup at preschool so I’m wide awake now . He’s had a calpol melt and some water and is sleeping again but I can’t sleep . He’s a healthy kid and snoozing in my bed now . I just feel like I can’t imagine being anything other than borderline neurotic and so dedicated to my kids and she’s barely been there . But I don’t feel cross with her, I feel like I should have done more early on to help really. I don’t know. Anyway , nature has a funny way of changing the narrative . I’ve a sickly boy to worry about now . Bless him , looks like a Disney and ice lolly weekend and a bit less naval gazing now .

My best friend died from liver failure due to alcoholism, it was a brutal, awful passing. My father, a lovely man, was an alcoholic who I could never leave my children alone with, he was lucky and didn’t die until his eighties of a chest infection. I’d do anything to spend more time with either…even though a lot of my childhood was spent in fear that my father would burn the house down etc (he badly crashed the car drunk with me in it). His drinking had started with his reaction to fighting in WW2. I have so many unanswered questions but none of them actually matter - it’s been 20 years since he passed away and I miss him so much still. If you love your Mum in any way, you need to stop pretending it will change and start appreciating the time you have left together whilst also accepting you cannot leave your child in her care. It’s really difficult, I’m sorry this is happening.

Addiction rips families apart, often you don’t even realise how bad it is until you’re older because as a younger person it’s just the norm for your family.

It’s completely up to you how you want to manage it. There’s no wrong answer. Maybe you want to spend more time with her and make the most of the time you have, but equally it’s difficult to watch your parent drink themselves to death and it can be painful to see it up close.

I’m sorry youre dealing with it. But please don’t blame yourself for not doing more to help earlier, sounds like she’s been battling it for a long time, I’m not sure hie much you could’ve feasibly done.