He changes around others

[Zig27]

I have a friend who have known for 13 years and we get on well. When I go to his flat we chat, confide and have a laugh. I have noticed when we go for a meal in a group he can be quite arrogant at times.

Tonight when we split the bill he was trying to work out the totals and I said I can help and he snapped saying our other friend was helping. The waitress was telling us they were closing so I wanted to help.

I went quiet for the last 10 minutes as I bit my tongue as I would have confronted him but was not in the mood to spoil the evening. Then he texted me when he got home as he could sense something was off and thanked me for the lift saying we should catch up at his flat.

It’s like he is afraid to show his nice side in the group. He was always nice at work and his flat but at these meals he’s just arrogant. He doesn’t let things go and will bring up when you answered the year of song wrong ages ago, I couldn’t care less about quizzes. He even told me he wrote in his diary the once he beat me and our other friend at board games, wtf.

I just don’t want to be around people who show disrespect and I am respectful to him. The others must have wondered why I went quiet and was distant at the end. This guy is 49 so you would think he would be more mature. I sense insecurity.

He even had the nerve to say at the end that I can work out the bill next time even though I had offered!

If it isn't an even split then working out the bill is a pain in the arse. I'd get snappy with someone 'helping' if I was halfway through sorting it.

Yeah same

Some people do change when they’re in a group, i find it is usually easier to be myself in one-to-one situations and to talk openly and candidly. In group situations the dynamics can be far more complex and I find this changes the way I’m able to interact, I know I can be quieter in a group but that I can also be more arrogant or more dismissive at time. I think subconsciously I can get caught up in power-struggles within the group as I often feel inferior so then try to compensate by ‘scoring points’ in the conversation but in turn that means I probably come across as less genuine. I much prefer interacting with people one-on-one or in very small groups for this reason.

In your shoes I would probably try and stick to seeing the friend on his own where possible and avoid group situations if you don’t like the way he navigates the group dynamics.

I’m not sure the bill example is a good one to be honest. If two people are already sorting it having some else trying to get involved is a bit irritating

Putting the bill aside he always has to correct people and has to be exactly precise. An example is someone will say we saw each other about 3 months ago and then he goes no it was about 84 days. It’s really pedantic.

A lot of people struggle in groups, OP and this can manifest itself in the form of arrogance, being more argumentative, or even being very reserved. Also, people in groups tend to drink more alcohol, so this affects behaviour.
It sort of is what it is. You know him and accept him and his faults. We all have our shortcomings. Unless you're finding his niggles (like his pedantic nature) intolerable, then I'd just try to avoid groups with him if and when you can.

See less of him. Care less about what he's like. When out in a group, if he starts, roll your eyes and talk to someone nicer.

You describe him as a 'friend'.

With a friend, you can tolerate their faults and idiosyncrasies if you otherwise like them as it generally doesn't impact on your daily life. If you can't tolerate it, you can of course, choose to see less of them socially or not at all.

If by 'friend', you mean someone you are potentially in a relationship with and contemplating living with, then that of course is different.

He does sound...hard work and intractable. If he's getting on your nerves as a 'friend', I would consider long and hard before you embark on any relationship with him.

He sounds painful.

I couldn't be around someone so insecure that they have to put down others to feel good about themselves.

Life is too bloody short.

Fade him out.
Be way less available.

People have 'work mode' and 'non-work mode' and perhaps 'at home mode', which is understandable. This however seems different, and it is worth socialising with someone who acts immaturely at age 49?

I have asked the pub chain online can you get separate bills for groups and they have said you can do this when you do the orders. I will do that next time to nip this pedantic behaviour in the bud. I won’t allow him the opportunity to be vile. I always have the option to decline future group events. Thanks for all your input.

@Zig27

Putting the bill aside he always has to correct people and has to be exactly precise. An example is someone will say we saw each other about 3 months ago and then he goes no it was about 84 days. It’s really pedantic.

I can be like this. I don’t know why, accuracy is just really important to me. It’s personality quirk....

I’m still really annoyed so I’m going to cut contact for a while and hang out with more positive and respectful friends. I can’t keep disturbing own peace because of an insecure 49 year old man.

@Zig27

I have asked the pub chain online can you get separate bills for groups and they have said you can do this when you do the orders. I will do that next time to nip this pedantic behaviour in the bud. I won’t allow him the opportunity to be vile. I always have the option to decline future group events. Thanks for all your input.

This seems like really a disproportionate reaction.