To be so ashamed of my husband causing a scene?

[Vaterinadf]

It was so horrendous. We have 2 DC, 4 and 5 months. Yesterday we couldn't be arsed cooking and our 4 year old has never been to a restaraunt so I suggested we go to the local Pizza Express for dinner. 'D'H whinged about money. He is always complaining about money. Yes things are tight but we are able to stretch to the occasional treat as we have around £150 spare each month, but DH always gets in a tiff about it. I'm not regulary hounding him for treats, but the occasional "Ah shall we just get a takeaway for tonight?" will subject me to a half an hour long rant about how hard he works and about how I waste all his money. I work part-time but am on maternity leave. He reluctantly agreed to go.

As soon as we get in and are sat down, the whinging starts. "It's way too expensive, I want to go somewhere else, come on" (I was BFing 5mo at this point and didn't fancy traipsing around town for somewhere else to eat). I firmly said no, and that the DC will need to be in bed as soon as we get home and I'm not spending time wandering around.

Then he's rude and demanding to the waitress who was literally only a teenager. She asks if we're ready to take our order and we say yes. There's a technical issue with the order taking system she's using and she says "One second, sorry." and DH does a loud, extremely obvious tut that he clearly intended for the waitress to hear. The technical issue was sorted in literally seconds and was an absolute non-issue, the tut was just obnoxious and unnessecary. We then noticed her and another waitress kept glancing over our table so we'd clearly been marked as 'problem' customers. I've worked in hospitality previously and I've found myself risk-assessing tables before, so I felt awful. I did not want to be 'that' table.

I take baby to the bathroom to be changed and come back and the food is being served. DH again continues to just be rude and blunt. The waitress doesn't do anything wrong so he doesn't make complaints but I heard him say "No." (without a thank you) when the waitress asked if he'd like anything else. I thought that was rude. He whinges the whole time while we are eating about the food, the service, the decor etc. I didn't get to have a word in edgeways. The idea of a casual chat over a meal seemed to be lost on him. It was tense and I hated it. Even our 4YO could barely say a word over the monologue.

The waitress ends up dropping a fork on the floor when collecting our empty plates and is extremely apologetic and clearly nervous. DH again tuts and says that he's found the service disgraceful and it's horrendous we weren't offered a high chair for baby (Baby is 5 months ffs, the high chair at home is still boxed up so he was just looking for anything to complain about! It was quite obvious that baby was too young for a highchair so of course we weren't asked.). We ask for the bill and I tell him I think he's been absolutely disgusting and I'm ashamed of him and tell him to go and get the car. He then leaves but starts whinging and being sarcastic, saying crap like "Sorry for breathing." He's gone by the time we get the bill, it's a different waitress to the one who served us. I go up to the one who served us, apologise profusely and give her a £10 tip.

We argue about it when we get home and then he started the pity party about how he is depressed. I'm not saying he makes up his depression, but he only talks about it when I'm upset with him for something. "It's my depression that makes me like this!" and yet he never seeks help. I would never, ever say he just uses depression as an excuse but surely it is now his responsibility to seek help? He's a completely unpleasant human being and I dread him coming home from work every day. He is not the man I married, who I loved. He was kind and loving. I mean it, so kind. Everybody told me I'd got a goodun with him. I miss that man so much. He changed after first DC but has been absolutely insufferable since our recent baby. I don't know what to do. I enjoy being at home during the day with my 2 little ones, and then once DH comes through the door suddenly there is an unbearable tension.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but your 4 year old must have been terrified by your husband's behaviour.

As for the posters who are fixated by them going to Pizza Express (first time out in 4 years), OP is on maternity leave so may have some money coming in. They have £150 left at the end of the month and £3k in savings so they aren't on the bones of their arse so why is her husband acting like the bailiffs are due any day.

His "depression" is no reason to treat anyone doing theit job like that
Absolute bellend

Always baffles me that so many mumsnetters appear to believe that formerly decent, affable human beings suddenly decide to turn around and act like complete and utter arseholes, for no apparent reason whatsoever.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX
Do you honestly believe that women go ahead and marry men who are abusive from the beginning of their relationship?

You need to educate yourself on the topic of abuse. There is never 'no apparent reason whatsoever'. The reasons men abuse women, and how the process develops, are well outlined in many books, articles, and websites.

In particular, I recommend you take a look at a book by Lundy Bancroft - 'Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men'.

@iklboo

*Children with divorced parents are more likely to have behavioural issues. They are more likely to drop out of education. They are four times as likely to have social problems. They are 300% more likely to have mental health issues.*

Children whose parents stay in abusive relationships are very often much worse off - especially with social & mental health issues.

I know many people with divorced parents. None have behavioural issues, all went to university, none have social problems. A large percentage of the population have mental health issues so you can extrapolate that it's due to parents getting divorced.

There is absolutely NO need to 'stay together for the children' in the 21st century.

www.qredible.co.uk/b/divorce-affect-child-development/ here you go, from 2019.

I also know plenty of people with divorced parents who are fine, I also know plenty who aren't. That's why data is better than anecdotal conclusions.

[quote Robin233]@Couchbettato

He's abusive.

And the apologists who are saying you need to work through it and putting more responsibility on your shoulders because we know damn well he isn't going to change.

^^^

I could agree with this 'if' the dp had always been like this.

But according to op before the stress and pressure of children he was lovely and they went out loads.

Life is different now and needs adjustment by Both dp and op.

There isn't the spare money available there once was. [/quote]
Abusers aren't born abusive. They're not either always abusive or never abusive.

Most abusers do ramp up abuse during pregnancy or after childbirth and it's usually a poor attempt at trying to make it all about them because life suddenly doesn't revolve around them like it used to.

Please don't speak on the subject of abuse if you don't know what you're talking about.

@Serenissima123
From the article you linked to
Researchers found that children with two divorced parents who maintained an amicable relationship had better long-term outcomes relative to children with two parents who remained married but argued and fought routinely.

Personally I am wary of articles like this because it’s impossible to know how choosy the journalist has been.
It’s obvious that it’s much more complicated than just ‘children fare better if parents stay together’.. Plus it might well encourage women in abusive relationship to stay put. I’ll challenge anyone to show me research it’s better for children to be raised in an abusive homes!

That's not a study. It's an article by some divorce lawyers / lawyer brokers who quote two authors.

He’s a bully. Could you split the £150 and have half each? You could do what you want with yours.

Downwiththissortofthing I was with my ex for 10 years before his true bullying nature started to show itself. When I had our first child funny enough. It happens in small incremental steps, usually when they think you have you trapped. Think boiling frog analogy.

Oh god what a utter twat!

No it's not his depression that makes him an absolute c u next Tuesday it's his personality.

I'd not be arsed with it. Life is way to short if he's like this on a regular basis.

He sounds a right arse. However, I find Pizza Express expensive, but they always have discount coded available, just Google Pizza Express voucher codes, they are usually on the PE website, and if you have to sign up for their newsletter, do it, get the code then unsubscribe till next time (with your new partner)

The study I quoted is an actual piece of research, not someone's puff piece. And it shows clearly that the matter of post divorce outcomes is very complex and relates strongly to the predictors of divorce in the marriage. It is however based on a US population, so possibly not directly to be extrapolated.

My ex used to ruin every single holiday we went on. As soon as we were trapped in the airport with him he would rant on and on and create a scene in front of people we would be sharing a plane with. It could be the most amazing destination/hotel and he was never happy. I used to say that he could win the lottery and he’d still be a miserable, ranty fucker.
I think he just got a kick out of ruining things. Your husband, may be down because he doesn’t have much left at the end of the month but, not many people do and actually it’s likely that whatever your situation, he’d be the same. Men like him won’t change.

Also, don’t underestimate the ranting. It’s absolutely draining.

The craziest thing about these responses are the people making it about Pizza bloody Express. She has stated she hasn't been out in 4 years and wanted a treat for her kid.

I highly doubt she held a gun to DH's head over going to Pizza Express. She has stated he also ruined a free day out to the beach. He is worried about money, fair enough. But he could have sensed that OP was feeling stir crazy and wanted to go out and could have suggested a cheaper alternative to Pizza Express but something that would still be a treat and family time. He could have said that he doesn't think they can afford Pizza Express but instead suggested sitting in a nice park with fish and chips. That would be the compromise that people on this thread seemed to be going on about.

This isn't about Pizza Express. This is about a man who actively takes steps to prevent his wife and children's happiness. Rather than being honest with OP that he doesn't think they can afford it and suggesting a cheaper way to have family time outside of the house, he agreed to go and made it a misery for OP and their child, and bullied a member of staff on top. He clearly doesn't care.

YY to that - how do the 'eating out is actually expensive' brigade explain the controlling approach to the trips to the beach?

I literally cannot think of any days out we’ve had with him except the beach once or twice, and even then DH was just rushing us to go home.

Because it's easier for some posters to fixate on pizza express and over egg the purported money worries than it is to say he's a git who's making you and your children's lives miserable.

@Couchbettato

Please don't speak on the subject of abuse if you don't know what you're talking about.
^^^
Just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean I don't know about abuse.

You really can't tell anyone what ti do in a public forum - please !!!!

It is very obvious from some posts that the reality of relationship abuse is a topic on which the posters are ignorant.

@mathanxiety

It is very obvious from some posts that the reality of relationship abuse is a topic on which the posters are ignorant.

^^

And you're an expert because?

@mathanxiety

You're wrong there. OP dragged her poor DH kicking and screaming to Pizza Express against his will and also has the nerve to still be on maternity 5 months after having a baby

It's a standard pattern of behaviour for certain types.
It means every event is fraught as you wonder whether they'll spoil it.
As an added bonus to them, you find yourself ridiculously grateful if they don't.

In short, soon everything revolves around placating them like a petulant child.

And you're an expert because?

Because I have taken the time and trouble to educate myself through massive amounts of reading, and have direct experience of a man nice enough to marry turning into a complete stranger in front of my eyes.

@mathanxiety
So no type of educational qualifications in psychology?
Just life experience - same as everyone else ?

Robin233 your life experience clearly has not equipped you to speak with any understanding of the subject of abuse in intimate relationships.

Obviously children are better off if their parents have a healthy, functioning marriage but that's not usually the choice. It's between a disfunctional marriage and a divorce. If I was in a boring marriage where we respected each other but the spark was gone I'd carry on with it for the kids. If I had a marriage like the OP's I'd walk away.