Ex leaving the country, what happens to kids' contact?

[LilTeapot]

My ex has decided he wants to live in another country for half the year. (How he's going to support himself is a mystery as he's currently on UC ) He's generally been good with taking the kids EOW, half the holidays etc (work hasn't allowed him to do a day in the week) and they (Ds11, dd9) adore him.

Whilst I'm not happy about him just upping sticks and fucking off across the world (and nor are the kids, although he's placating them with promises that he'll only ever be gone for 3 months at a time) he's been saying he'll expect to see more of them when he is here. I'm a bit at the right that because he's decided to do this, I have to rearrange my life and go for long stints hardly seeing my kids while he's wanting to "make the most of them" when he's here. Obviously what they want is the most important thing but I feel it could be disruptive for them.

He's hinted that he'll get a court order "if he needs to" ( he did this with his ex to get access to his older daughter who's now 16) which made me bristle a bit. Any ideas whose side the court would take if I was adamant he sticks to the usual routine because if he wants to miss half of those contact times, that's his lookout?

The practicalities are he certainly won't get a hearing anytime this year. The courts are backlogged. The advantage is that it will probably be online which is far less stressful (just my opinion, having been through family court).

The judge will put the interests of the children first and given their age I would imagine their views might be heard. During term time, he won't get the chance to 'make the most of them'. They are not possessions he can pick up and play with at whim. You may find (from friends experience with overseas ex), that he MIGHT get more holiday time in the big summer holiday. Easter and Christmas (if these are important holidays to you culturally) will generally be fairly split unless you both agree to do things differently. As he moved he has to bear the cost of them flying over and potentially you as well as an escort. As you say this sounds like he can financially do it.

Also, personal advice don't worry about stuff till it has happened. These blokes are all bluster and hot air and is obviously just trying to upset things unnecessarily. They don't think about the impact on the kids when they make these big statements they don't follow through on. Until you see his plane tickets and new address I wouldn't give it a second thought

Honestly not to burst his bubble or anything, but now UK have left the EU, he can't just upsticks and move to another country like may of been before. Do you know what country it is? Cos many will require visas etc

You can only be abroad for a month on universal credit and every time he comes back he won't be able to just sign back on, he will have to wait three months and be classes as a foreigner. If it was me and I suspected he was going to cause a lot of upheaval to the kids lives I would contact universal credit and make sure they know he plans to be abroad.

He gets the cheesypea award for arsehole of the week. As the other pp said smile and wave.

@Usernameisgone it's not an EU country, I believe he can go on a tourist visa for 3 months but I have no idea if he's allowed to work there. I'm sure he'd do cash in hand if he can find it.

@Welikebeingcosy that's interesting thank you. He's been away for longer than a month before but he must have wangled it somehow - online meetings maybe.

Sounds like the chances of him getting his act together and taking you to court over this are minimal.

Just a thought, kids can fly as unaccompanied minors on some airlines from 5 years old. He may well be expecting this rather than extra plane tickets bought. It was the norm when I was at boarding school from a young age, but so was staying in hospital without a parent.

So he doesn't have any money or income? How on earth will he afford to move? Give it no thought until he's actually gone and when he's back let him take you to court. They'll likely side with you if he has no suitable accommodation.

He might have told them he was sick or something and they wouldn't know of he had gone abroad. I'd report him so he knows he can't keep walking all over you and the kids. He's not contributing to you financially but he can afford to do these trips.

Yep. He always finds money when he needs it. Probably selling his grandmothers silver

Breathe!

Chances are this won’t happen

You don’t have to grab permission for them to leave the uk, and he’s unlikely to be able to fund courts on UA

God he’s a monumental prick.

You have my deepest sympathy

Even KNOWING him must be embarrassing let alone having him as an idiot ex!

Selfish prick. I would just say no, and see what he does. Don't talk to the kids about it too much, as he sounds like he's full of bullshit. My ex went to India for six months after I left him. Then came back and expected to be welcomed back with open arms by me and DS. Fat chance!!

He sounds completely useless.. just say when you return we can sort something out.

Just leave him.in lala land.

Well, if he can spend money on court fees he can pay for child maintenance. Ditto with emigration.

He's totally selfish, isn't he?

Yes he is incredibly selfish. Just charming enough for me to not notice until it was too late.

And he honestly had me believing IABU!

I can't see a family court granting him "make the most of them" access when he can't say when he'll be there, for how ling, and what accommodation arrangements will be. Your solicitor would have a field day with that. As PPs have said, let him get on with it because it's all very unlikely to pan out the way he thinks it will.

I think you are getting all worked up over something which is fairly unlikely to happen. It isn't worth having the argument now when he has no idea what his living situation will be like when he returns to the UK (if he even manages to go abroad in the first place). There's no way the two of you could begin to sort out access details now.

Why not just say, "See what you get sorted for accommodation and working hours when you're back. I'm sure we can arrange something suitable. We'll talk about it later."

Its impossible to judge your exs plans because they might be feasible or not. And he might very well be a complete waste of space. But if you shared custody with a parent who legitimately had to work out of the country for months each year, say in the armed forces, secondment etc, wouldn't you want the children to have extra time with them when they got back? Wouldn't the children like that as well, especially if they enjoy spending time with him?

I don't see why it would be disruptive. Children can cope with seeing a parent outside of usual guidelines. I got offered a half world cruise at three weeks notice. Was it disruptive? You bet. Did I bear the disruption, go and have a fabulous time? Hell yes. Your children might feel the same way.

@Welikebeingcosy

You can only be abroad for a month on universal credit and every time he comes back he won't be able to just sign back on, he will have to wait three months and be classes as a foreigner. If it was me and I suspected he was going to cause a lot of upheaval to the kids lives I would contact universal credit and make sure they know he plans to be abroad.

Excellent news. I’d definitely report this useless arsehole. Unless he can get his act together, he will likely only do this jolly once.

Maybe try not to think about tackling him wanting more time with your dcs right now tbh. He has little money and will have no place to live so realistically it’s not going to happen. And if he tried it, you can push back then.

What I would be though is talking through any grandiose ideas he shares with your dcs.

By the time this goes to court your children will be old enough to have a say.

‘Make the most of his time with them’ - surely a court would look at it if he wants to make the most of his time with his children he wouldn’t be fucking off to another country on a fucking whim! Selfish prick!

Let him embarrass himself in court!