Where can a woman with a teen son go if refuges won’t take them?

[FluffyT]

Just that really. I’m shocked that refuges won’t take teen boys. What is a woman with a teen son supposed to do? Leave her son behind with an abuser? Abandon him? Throw him away to social services? How many women does this prevent from leaving an abusive situation?

Some refuges will take teen boys, but definitely not universal.

Options are dependant on situation. A child experiencing domestic abuse has to be safeguarded. Social services may step in and fund emergency accommodation if money a barrier - this can take a shit load of negotiation by an experienced worker. Civil orders to exclude the perp from family home, giving time to work out more perm arrangements. Social housing can, again with much 'prompting', remove perp from tenancy agreement and complete reciprocal agreement with another association to move survivor and child.

Ultimately, the most difficult position to be in experiencing DA is a home owning person on an average or higher than average salary.

That isn’t a universal policy. I have worked with teen boys in a refuge. We wouldn’t take over 16s and it was case by case for younger boys - most were 13/14. Women with older teen sons could be prioritised for stay at home measures (alarms, police flagging of their house). The other option is that teen son goes to live with granny/auntie whilst mum and siblings move to a refuge. That depends on the risk (Ie will abusive partner seek them out and how possible is contact with mum without putting her at risk). Often they aren’t the child of the absuive partner and may prefer not to go into a refuge (where often they would need to share a room with younger siblings and mum).

She's supposed to leave him. Which means many dont leave at all, if course.

Oh and the new domestic abuse bill will require local authorities to provide safe accommodation for survivors. As always, the devil will be in the detail.

It’s almost as if the boy doesn’t matter in this scenario. It makes things ten times harder for the woman.....Puts her in a terrible dilemma. Leave your son, be separated from him (which is really just the same as leaving him) or stay.

Why do you think that you are 'throwing them to social services' if you go to them? SS can fund places, find teen foster placements and provide other things. If a woman is going to be in n desperate circumstances being a 'child in need' can come with benefits, including funded education beyond 19.

"It’s almost as if the boy doesn’t matter in this scenario"

It becomes a case of who is your services directed at. In some cases it's entirely appropriate for that to be women only and only opposite sex children under a certain age.

@Ponoka7 yeah right. They'll be lucky to get a room in a dodgy hostel. The ideal place for a teen whose witnessed (usually undergone) years of abuse in the family.

In the past, some DA services were able to provide "satellite" homes for families with male teenage children, where the family fleeing abuse would live independently of the main refuge while still accessing support. I sincerely hope the cuts to funding have not diminished these types of accommodation!

FluffyT can't you see both sides? I have a lovely, gentle, shy, 6 ft tall and still growing, 11 stone, broad shouldered, starting to shave, athletic, deep voiced nearly 14 year old. He's no threat and still a child in every way except physically, but I completely and utterly understand that a 5 ft tall, 7 stone woman who's been the victim of male domestic violence would find him intimidating and not want to live with him when seeking refuge!

The truth is real life is complicated and often it is quite literally impossible to be fair to everyone in the same setting. Some women need refuges without any pubescent or pist pubescent males. There also need to be refuges for mothers and their teens including sons. Both do exist, but of course not enough of them. Its shit but the answer isn't to insist all women's refuges accept 14,15 and 16 year old boys, some of whom are physically adult men and some of whom, sadly, are going the way of their father's because children learn by example and it is often a survival strategy.

The DV charity I used to work for will house mothers with teenage sons up to the age of 16.

It's rare that it's needed. As others have said, they'll often take every possible safety measure to keep them in their own home first. Or they'll be on the council's priority housing list.

In the case that happened during my time working in refuge the mother and her boys had been supported to stay at home safely but the perpetrator then tried to burn the house down. They came into refuge for a few weeks whilst other accommodation was found.

I do see the other side. I do understand the reasons and they’re completely reasonable and all that. But it does put the woman with a teen son in a really awful position and it’s just another reason to stay/barrier to leaving.

Some refuges take teenage boys, I think ones that are mainly self contained flats rather than single rooms. Unfortunately, a lot of teenage boys copy the behaviour of their abusive fathers (if it’s all they’ve ever known) which can be dangerous for the mother (who sometimes don’t recognise it, or minimise it) and for the other women/children in the refuge too.

It puts women in a terrible situation and I'm sure it has kept women in abusive situations. How would you possibly explain this scenario to a 13 year old boy without stereotyping them as a potential perpetrator themselves.

@Ponoka7

Why do you think that you are 'throwing them to social services' if you go to them? SS can fund places, find teen foster placements and provide other things. If a woman is going to be in n desperate circumstances being a 'child in need' can come with benefits, including funded education beyond 19.

Over my dead body would my child go in foster care.

The solution is surely the sort of accommodation that mightymalties describes. Not in the main residence but satellite to it.

Are there refuges that will accept transwomen and yet fail to offer an adequate solution to women with teenage sons I wonder.

Ultimately, the most difficult position to be in experiencing DA is a home owning person on an average or higher than average salary.

Especially if the victim is a man. I used to know a (gay) man who had been in a very abusive civil partnership. He was a fairly high earner.

As I understand it there were no real support services out there for him. There used to be a helpline (Broken Rainbow) but that charity collapsed a few years back, and that was about it.

He basically had to shift for himself. It's a miracle he got out actually.

I read that older boys were not allowed in some refuges because of the potential that they end up having some sort of relationship with the younger women also placed there. So along with other concerns there is that particular worry as well, which I can only guess is from it actually happening in the past.

I know one person who's granddaughter had to do just that. Totally shocking.

I just looked this up. I think it’s disgusting that refuges won’t let 13/14 year old boys into a refuge with their mother. They are children that grew up watching their mother be abused. I understand not allowing 17+ year old boys/men, but school boys should be allowed. There also needs to be more shelters for men.

Can't believe this policy is allowed.

@FluffyT

I do see the other side. I do understand the reasons and they’re completely reasonable and all that. But it does put the woman with a teen son in a really awful position and it’s just another reason to stay/barrier to leaving.

It does and refuges’ try to be flexible and risk assess each case individually being mindful of everyone’s needs. It’s a balancing act.

The other thing to remember is that if the teen boy has grown up with terrible abuse they may then be abusive to their mum or others in the refuge as they have been alienated from the mother by their dad/ step dad. I have seen some truly horrible cases where step dad or dad has groomed the teen boy as a weapon.

It’s really complex dynamics when horrific abuse has happened and sometimes the best care for that young man is actually really excellent foster care while they get therapy and rebuild their relationships with mum and siblings.

This is obviously not by any means always the case, but just highlighting some realistic scenarios where it wouldn’t be in the best interests of mum or her son to be in the refuge together.

@Ponoka7

"It’s almost as if the boy doesn’t matter in this scenario"

It becomes a case of who is your services directed at. In some cases it's entirely appropriate for that to be women only and only opposite sex children under a certain age.

Why the hell do you think it accepatable that a child be taken away from their mother at what must be a very traumatic time? I gues because it is a boy then it dosen't matter. would love to see the response if it was a 14 year old girl being taken from her Mother and placed in foster care.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. And your poor ds, he is just a child who is traumatized and needs to be with his mum. I agree with you op.