AIBU to have absolutely zero patience at bedtimes?

[itsmellslikepopcarn]

Im honestly at the end of my tether with DD (5) bedtimes. It’s been shit for 2 years now (well, after the crap baby years) with not sleeping for hours, getting out of bed, shouting for me until 10pm and then waking up 3-4 times a night.

Every evening is a struggle despite always trying to implement a routine. Tonight it was she didn’t want to get in the bath, then she sat on the edge of the bath for 10 minutes, didn’t want to wash her hair so 10 minute struggle for that, then she didn’t want to get out of the bath because she was cold. At the end of it it’s past 8pm and I’ve just put her in bed now.

I always do the “do you want bubbles or no bubbles? do you want to wash your hair now or in 5 minutes? do you need mummy’s help or can you do it alone?” so it isn’t a huge power struggle but even that doesn’t work.

She knows her rules at bedtime, no shouting me, no getting out of bed unless it’s for the toilet and I’ll come and check on her every 10 minutes, but I’m honestly losing patience with it and she never follows them anyway. My entire evening are spent going up and downstairs after she’s shouting for me and crying. Don’t think it helps that she spends 4 nights here and 3 nights at her dads so maybe that’s unsettling her. Anyone else in the same boat?

Bumping?

OP I feel exactly the same. My 5 year old takes about 1.5 hours to finally fall asleep. I was going in every 10mins to hold his hand for 2mins. BUT only if he stayed in bed inbetween my visits and didn't talk whilst I held his hand. This worked great but soon turned into me traipsing upstaurs 8 times an evening. We've now got the rule that he only gets 3 hand holds and surprisingly falls asleep after the 3rd. I think consistency is definitely the key and not giving them too many options and choices. It's bloody hard though!

Fucking hate bedtimes. No advice, just solidarity.

I think you are doing a great job setting up routines a few tweaks might make it better.
8pm is too late so she’s getting overtired. Go up at 6.30 if it takes her a while to settle. Star charts with rewards are fab at that age. Cut down all of the negotiations too. Plus checking in every 10 mins is unnecessary - she’s gonna keep shouting as it works for her. Once she’s in bed tucked up you don’t need to keep going in. It will be tough for a few days but be strong. Once you get your eves back you will be a new woman!!
Good luck x

I had difficulty with one of my DD not settling, shouting, being noisy to try to wake the others when not getting attention etc. DS is 4, almost 5 and this went on from about 12 months until a year ago every night. I started to pick my battles so if he wanted a bath we went up early and he had a long bath and played. If he didn't want a bath no problem unless dirty after nursery and we compromise on a quick shower. Give him constant reminders of what is to be expected and what's happening next. Strict consequences if he misbehaves. Loses a toy the next day, misses treat night with his siblings etc. Now I'd say he goes straight to bed with no fuss 85% of the time and the 'bad' times are nowhere near what they were. It sounds time consuming but honestly it's quicker than all the hours of fuss we used to have and I look forward to bed time. It doesn't take much longer than the routine with my other 2 DC, maybe ten minutes more. No idea if that will help you but it worked for us.

Just an idea, mines still a baby, could you try using a timer instead of giving her the choice. You can get one of ebay for a couple of quid. Set a 10 minute timer, bath time when this goes off, alarm goes off, right bath time. Set another 10 minutes, washing your hair when this goes off, alarm goes off, right time to wash your hair. Another 10 minutes, time to get out. It's a technique they advise for pathological demand avoidance I think. You're not making demands, the clock is, it misdirects their frustrations.

And a glow clock for bedtime? The clock tells you when you can leave your room. End of.

Good luck, hope it gets better.

Oh my goodness that sounds exhausting. Think of a task-reward system if you need to. Bath then she gets whatever it is that will work to get her through the routine, even if it is an episode of a cartoon or ten minutes on the ipad.
Star chart for staying in bed, when she gets to ten she gets X reward.

You could even have a silent timer if you're going up every ten minutes to check on her, so she can see the time going down and doesn't feel the need to call you because you'll be coming in 2.34 anyway?

I read on here to say "Close your eyes and pretend to be asleep" so I've been doing that every night, and my child said it to me tonight, then did it! I'm not promising instant results, mind.

8pm for a 5 year old is late. Tea, bath and then pud afterwards if they are out by a set time. Not out and ready...no pud. My 9 year old is in bed lights off at 8pm.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Tonight was a lot better actually as I told her under no circumstances is she allowed to shout me, she got out of bed once and ended up messing about in the spare room and hurting herself so after that she was put back to bed and went straight to sleep. She does respond well usually to timers and she has a google home in her bedroom so I will try that in future too.

Some ideas that might help. Coming from a place of sympathy and suggested to me by a sleep consultant. Copy and paste from a note on my phone... Without changing to fit this circumstance because I'm knackered sorry :/

Bedtime passes
Start with a family meeting, draw up some sleep rules, get your child to suggest and draw them to give them some ownership.

Agree a reward. We've used penny sweets and playmobil. We used playmobil, I bought a camping set and split it all up, put the names of all the bits in a pot and Dd got a new piece at random every morning she had tokens left.

Make loads of tokens together. I mean loads. If the child gets up at bedtime or calls you in the night then that's absolutely fine and allowed, but costs 1 token. Put them in a pot by their bed. If there are tokens left in the morning, the child gets a reward.

For the first few nights the child needs to succeed. So you need more tokens than they will use. My Dd used more than 30 the first night. When they're in the swing of it, start to gradually reduce the number of tokens. It took us a few weeks to get down to 6. Dd started to fail a few times and had to try. We got stuck at this level a while. Eventually we got down to 3 and at some point the system was gradually forgotten. 30+ night wakings down to 1 or 2 was a lot bloody better.

You can look this up, I believe it's called bedtime passes and there's a few articles out there.

I hope it works!

I would also move bath time to before tea or in the morning if she's mucking about.

@UmbilicusProfundus

Fucking hate bedtimes. No advice, just solidarity.

🙌🏻🙌🏻

Hmmmm in the nicest possible way perhaps don’t give her so many choices? You’re the parent. Mine get their hair washed and body done as soon as they get in the bath, THEN they can play in it while I get their rooms and pjs ready. Also if I have to come up more than once after lights out then I let them know v clearly I am not pleased, obv if there’s a reason like they’re run out of water ok then but otherwise grrrrrrr. My 3 yr old will try it on till the cows come home but I do the whole ‘don’t make me come up there’ thing and she knows that’s the end of mucking about.

No choices here, just bath, pjs, teeth, wee, story, lights off. I return once after 5 mins, then that's it. Bed escapees are immediately returned to bed in silence.

It has always been like this since they were toddlers. No negotiating ever. Both boys are good sleepers and my DS1 is, quite frankly, a handful during waking hours so it's not like I'm blessed with quiet, compliant little angels. If I gave him the choices you describe he'd have me wrapped round his little finger.

Personally I would try being firmer. It'll probably take quite a while of being consistent before she gets the message.