Father’s Day….

[WhyMeWhyNot21]

I’ve always found Father’s Day a bit of a struggle.

I don’t have a very good relationship with my dad and over the last 10 years have only seen him a handful of times even though he only lives 15 mins away. This is not through lack of trying on my part…I used to go over and see him with my DC frequently and ring/text him to check on how he was. He’s always been a bit of a user, if you’re ‘flavour of month’ he can’t do enough for you…if you’re not, you may as well be invisible. So, I send him a card on Father’s Day now but I don’t make an effort to see him and he seems quite happy with this.
My own DC will be with their dad on Father’s Day, as usual.
My step dad is wonderful and he’s treated me like his own since I was 6…but he always goes to visit his mum with his DC (my step brother and sisters) on Fathers Day and they visit his late fathers grave together. I understand that this is their tradition and I wouldn’t ever expect to be included in that.

Now for my AIBU…

My DP is being taken out to lunch on Father’s Day by his 2 children and I only found out yesterday that they’ve booked for me to join them. Now I appreciate how sweet this is, that they’ve thought to include me but I really don’t want to go. I’d feel I was intruding on their time with their dad and to be honest, I just don’t feel like I’d be very good company. Should I just suck it up and go? Or explain to my DP that I’d rather stay at home?

Thanks!

I don't think YABU for not wanting to go and I understand why you'd prefer not to but I think if you see a good future with your DP then accepting the invitation from his children would be one of those moments when it's better to just go along than to refuse.

It feels a little off saying that because we're so conditioned to be the ones who make all the effort against what we'd really like to do and I hate that, but your 'step children' which I suppose they are may be hurt that you declined their invitation and it could inadvertently damage the relationship going forward precisely because it is a special meal they've invited you to, not just an off the cuff one.

Well, you don’t have other plans, OP, and it would be very ungracious to refuse the invite.
You never know, this might be the start of a much happier Fathers’ day tradition for you.
And it is lovely that they want to include you.
Try to respond positively and you may feel lifted and heartened by it.

It might just be what you need. Also, how lovely they've invited you as they clearly see you as a part of their family.

I think you should go, it's lovely of them to include you and will hopefully turn father's Day into some more positive memories for you

Another vote for going with them and starting a new tradition of making Father’s Day a day for you to celebrate your partner being a great dad to his children. Your own father has forfeited his right to be treated as such by his actions. Go where the love is.

If you've got nowt else on then just go. It might help to see that these made up days aren't massive. But after the year we've had, why refuse any invitations to socialise?

Take this as a good opportunity to change all the negativity you feel around this day into a new tradition. How wonderful for his kids to include you? It will be a good distraction and a lovely day which changes how you feel about the day.

They want you there as someone who is important in their father's life.

I appreciate that it must stir up mixed and difficult emotions for you, but it would be good for you to break the cycle of this day being one where you are literally and symbolically abandoned each year. Don't force another year of that on yourself by rejecting this invite because it feels so uncomfortable compared to what you're used to.

You don't have to be the life and soul of the occasion just pleasant and polite.

It won't magically undo the hurt, but I do think it would probably be good for you to accept the invite and let yourself feel the positive emotions of being wanted and spending a few hours with nice people who do care about you. Break the pattern.

Normally I’d say you’d not be unreasonable not to jo. However, if you’re in the UK most restaurants are charging per person deposits right now so they may also lose out financially if you don’t go. It’s also not as easy a sell to say you’re not coming as you don’t feel well in these times. I say go and enjoy!

You're being recognised as an important part of your dp's life by his children and that's a really positive thing and, at the end of the day, it is just lunch for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon which you will probably end up enjoying. Don't mope about on your own indoors.

My DC are taking their DF out for meal on Father’s Day - they wouldn’t dream of not inviting his current wife!
Go and enjoy
My DF died 18 months ago - so I will be taking DM out instead - might not be tradition but she won’t care

I think it’s really sweet of them. I’d go and have a nice time.

@kitkatsky

I don’t know any restaurants (London) charging deposits per person (or at all really). It’s not the whole of the uk, maybe just your area?

Its lovely that they have invited you, please go.

I agree with everyone else.
How lovely that you are seen as very much part of their lives and that they want you to be part of this invitation.
It could be the start of a new tradition for you which you find makes Father's Day a lot nicer for you in the future.

@WhyMeWhyNot21

Looks like you're going to that meal so far.

I think it would also be hurtful for them if you don't go, which wouldn't be fair, for the sake of a couple of hours of (forced, if need be !) happiness.

You’ve all persuaded me!! I shall go along and like pp said, celebrate the wonderful father my DP is!
Thanks everyone. Sometimes you just need a nudge in the right direction!

I vote give it a go too!
Hope you enjoy it OP!

OP, that’s lovely! Best wishes for a great day out and may it be repeated for many years to come.
And well done for being open to the possibility of change. So many people cling to the wreckage of the past rather than climb into the lifeboat of the future. Be happy.

Have a lovely time!