to expect my 12 year old DS to do more?

[ScatteredMama82]

I'm wondering if I'm expecting too much. I went out for a meeting last night, left DS1 a list of things to do (finish homework, pack up PE kit, do piano practice). I had a babysitter as DH works away. I got home (he was in bed, but awake and reading). The homework was half done, still lying on the kitchen table. The PE kit wasn't packed and the piano untouched. When the sitter went up to put DS2 to bed, DS1 decided he'd done enough of his homework and went to watch TV. The sitter came back down and assumed he'd finished all his jobs.

I made him get out of bed and pack his kit, tidy away his homework into his bag.

This morning, I asked him to get up and dressed and put away his laundry before coming down for breakfast. 20 minutes later he appears, dressed but laundry still in a heap in his room.

This is an ongoing theme, and I think by now he should be able to carry out simple tasks and be aware of time pressure like getting out to the school bus on time without me having to constantly hurry him up.

I've said he's on an Xbox and YouTube ban until he smartens up. Am I asking too much?

I don't think you're asking to much, but I do think its parr for the course for a 12 year old to try and get away with not doing as asked

I think they should be able to but often need prompting if it’s ‘boring’.
So I prob would have left a note with sitter so they could double check he had done those three things or see what he was even supposed to do

I don’t think you’re asking too much re his homework and getting kit organised but why is he doing piano lessons if he clearly isn’t interested in practicing or enjoying it? Seems pointless.

@Bagelsandbrie

I don’t think you’re asking too much re his homework and getting kit organised but why is he doing piano lessons if he clearly isn’t interested in practicing or enjoying it? Seems pointless.

Why do you assume he isn't interested in it or enjoying it?

Definitely not asking too much, my 13 year old does a lot more.

@ScatteredMama82 because the piano was untouched….

My oldest DC are 9, 10 and 11 and this is a regular battle with all of them. I still have to remind them to brush their teeth and hair every day else they just wouldn’t bother, it’s so frustrating. I think it’s normal.

Let him forget his kit, he'll get a telling off and whatever punishment the schools metes out, when he comes home complaining tell him it serves him right. Maybe he'll be bothered to remember next time.

I agree he clearly isn’t interested in piano if he isn’t practising off his own back.
My DD plays and we practically have to pull her away from it as she loves playing.

Oh god it's normal.

Getting DCs to be useful is great but it's so much harder at first than doing it yourself.

Worth it in the long run though!

It's much easier to get a younger child to do chores than a 12 year old. Some are good at this stuff, but many aren't.

My current 12 year old is autistic and well meaning, but he needs a lot of help but it drives me absolutely demented trying to keep him on task. We are very structured with him so we have lists for everything, and we tack jobs onto other events, like as soon as you finish tea, you pack your schoolbag then do piano practice. For DS I wouldn't remove privileges with a goal as diffuse as "smartening up". Maybe get a whiteboard, get him to write down 3 or 4 jobs each day and tick them off, and reward successful completion so there is a well defined goal. And/or write a timetable so remembering piano practice starts to become his job, with his reminders to help, rather than yours. But I know we are more structured than almost everyone else!

I don't think you are expecting too much but I don't understand why you need to leave him a list of things to do - it sounds very micromanaging.
For example -
homework - he manages when he does it; if it's not done by the required date he accepts the consequences at school
PE kit - if it's PE tomorrow then he has to pack up his kit or take the consequence of not having it
Piano - set a "rule" that you expect regular practice and if it's not done you will stop paying for lessons.

And if he leaves laundry on his bedroom floor then it doesn't get washed. No reminders from you.

While you are leaving lists of things for him to do he's avoiding having to think for himself and take any responsibility.

The piano practice is a red herring. Not sure why whether my son is interested/enjoying his music has become a topic of conversation in a post about getting him to become more organised. He does enjoy it, chooses pieces he wants to play and will continue to practice even when I ask him if he thinks he's done enough for the night.

Back to the intended topic....he seems to need lists. He has a little whiteboard in his room and he's written on there things he needs to do on a daily basis. Trust me, we have tried without lists and it gets him nowhere.

I'm relieved to hear that I'm not expecting too much, and that others also need goals/encouragement.

@TwoLeftElbows

It's much easier to get a younger child to do chores than a 12 year old. Some are good at this stuff, but many aren't.

My current 12 year old is autistic and well meaning, but he needs a lot of help but it drives me absolutely demented trying to keep him on task. We are very structured with him so we have lists for everything, and we tack jobs onto other events, like as soon as you finish tea, you pack your schoolbag then do piano practice. For DS I wouldn't remove privileges with a goal as diffuse as "smartening up". Maybe get a whiteboard, get him to write down 3 or 4 jobs each day and tick them off, and reward successful completion so there is a well defined goal. And/or write a timetable so remembering piano practice starts to become his job, with his reminders to help, rather than yours. But I know we are more structured than almost everyone else!

I like the idea of a set of tasks to complete, then he gets to do his own thing.

I have a almost 15 years old with additional needs but have s constant battle to get him to do a few basic jobs that are within his capacity. I fear he will face discrimination as an adult and so want to prepare him for adult life as best I can. I ask him to carry recycling bag out to recycle bin and ask he separates out paper and card from washed tins and bottles. I ask he brings cricket clothes and karate gee down for wash as soon as he has worn it to get clean for next game/lesson. He looses his belt for karate by not putting it in his sports drawers. He losses his swimming trunks do we have to play hunt the trunks before swimming. He refuses to tidy his room. I know he can do it as if I offer a reward for doing it he suddenly does it. I just put it down to lazy teen boys. You are not asking toouch.of your son.

Yes the jobs you asked him to do weren't unreasonable but he's a 12 year old, most of them will try and get away with doing as little as possible, he's not unusual in that sense

Key thing though if you take the list approach, it's his list. Ideally he writes for himself, it's not just something you hand him. He needs to do the thinking, the responsibility is his, with you and his list supporting. Still very much work in progress here though!

@UserAtRandom there is definitely a place for letting them "fail" and get the odd detention etc, but scaffolding, teaching them how to write lists and use calendars etc, is not a parenting fail.

You're not unreasonable but he's acting pretty normally for a pre teen/teen.

I miss the days when mine were little and loved to help do chores

@TwoLeftElbows

Key thing though if you take the list approach, it's his list. Ideally he writes for himself, it's not just something you hand him. He needs to do the thinking, the responsibility is his, with you and his list supporting. Still very much work in progress here though!

@UserAtRandom there is definitely a place for letting them "fail" and get the odd detention etc, but scaffolding, teaching them how to write lists and use calendars etc, is not a parenting fail.

I totally agree with your post that if DS can't manage an appropriate list on his own he needs some support - at first. That's the crucial point. He's had nearly a year in secondary school, he should by now have systems in place for making sure he gets up in time in the morning, his homework is done before the deadline and he takes his PE kit in on PE days. He shouldn't be relying on his parents for this (I'm assuming no SEN here). There was no indication in OP's post that she's attempting to get him to take more responsibility for himself. I'm not going to say this is a parenting fail, because clearly it isn't, but she does need to look at how she gets from where they are now to where he should be. I can guarantee that it will be less hard to do this at 12 than in a year or two!

Example - I don't tell my DC when to get up - I let them make their own decision. If there is no sign of life 5 minutes before they really ought to be leaving I might go and bang on their bedroom door.
I don't tell them to bring their washing down - I'll say "I'm putting a wash on later; please put any washing in the basket". And if they don't do it then they can do their own washing if they find they have no clean clothes. It's moving from a model where DS does something if his OP tells him to, to one where he realises that if he doesn't do something than their are consequences.