Unsupportive Husband

[FeelingLikeCrap]

I don't want to say too much but...
I met my now husband when I was very young. I had a small baby but was still a teenager. He was considerable older. I then had a rocky relationship with him for a few years and now 6 years on am about to have a child with him (heavily pregnant right now). I know it was my fault for not staying in this situation because these 6 years have not been good and I haven't been a great decision maker but I can now look back at what happened and know that it wasn't OK in the beginning and I was vulnerable and lonely and immature and an easy target so to speak. I just feel so unsure now of what to do. My husband is not nice to me. He is always angry with me, can't spend time with me, lies to me and is generally seriously uncaring. He also doesn't help me with almost anything at all and says I'm nagging him when I ask him to help with very basic things that are dangerous for me to do now I'm pregnant. This pregnancy has been hell on earth and he's definitely made it a lot worse. I feel incredibly sad that I've ended up with such a selfish, childish and unempathetic person but also I feel very angry with myself for making so many stupid decisions and ending up here and being so easy with men. I wish I'd waited until I found someone where the love and care was mutual and we made each other better people instead of worse people. I'm definitely a difficult person to be around and I struggle with mental health too so some of his actions are definitely justified I can be a nasty b*tch but some are definitely not. The thing is I can't seem to bring myself to leave. I don't think it's the thinking I won't be able to cope without him...I know I will...it's just something in me is drawn to him. He's a good dad and he does do some practical things like helping with childcare sometimes. Now I'm typing it all out I think one of the main things is I'm scared to be alone, not living alone but without someone to love me and hug me do nice things with me sometimes. Maybe I just need more people in my life. But sometimes he's so nice to me and he tells me how much he loves me more than anyone else in his life ever and how he only wants to be with me and in those moments I don't want to leave and I feel like things could be better but they never seem to be. Also, I want to make it work for the kids and I want them to have a functional and fulfilling family life where their parents love each other. Reading this now I feel so stupid because I can't think of more reasons why I want to stay together and I can think of so many not to (many more than listed here) and that probably what people reading this will think but I just know I can't give up and something in me won't let go as much as it wants to. Something inside me says it will get better and it is the better choice despite the 6 years of disaster. A big part of me just thinks I should just make the best of it until the kids are grown up because things will be easier even if they aren't perfect and small moments of happiness are better than none at all for the next 20 or so years. I really want to have a functional family that's full of love. I feel so sad at the thought of not having that for all of us. But I know I also feel horrible a lot of the time like no matter what I do it's always wrong and everything is always my fault according to him and another part of me also thinks I really don't want to like like this for another minute. My feelings are so contradictory and to be honest I feel pretty pathetic. What should I do? Would I be better off even if I was completely alone with an unloving coparenting relationship for the next long fee years? Sorry I suppose this is less or an 'albu' and more of a 'which part of me is more unreasonable'.

Anyway sorry for the vagueness and I've probably not written it in the balanced way I wanted to before I started writing but hopefully you get the general gist.
Please don't be nasty, I'm already struggling at the moment and I don't need people to be nasty about my husband either. I just thought maybe some people on here with more life experience than me who don't actually know me personally could possibly offer me some valuable advise.
Thanks for reading and replying in advance.

What do you want to do Op

Your story is very similar to mine. I wasted the best part of my life with him. He died when I was in my late 30's and I hadn't built a life with friends etc at all. It was tough. Now in my 50's I realise that he took the life from me that I could have had. You don't get time back. Don't waste anymore on him.

small moments of happiness are better than none at all for the next 20 or so years

Why on earth do you think there will be no moments of happiness if you leave? If anything, there will be much more of these moments!

I don't know if you have/are having a DS or DD but ask yourself this: What if DD ended up in a similar relationship because she's been conditioned to think this is just how things are meant to be? Alternatively, what if DS grew up to be just like your DH?

BTW, they're all a 'good dad'. Good dads support the family unit though (and I am not talking about money here). They lead by example and model mutually respectful relationships. They support their wives when they are pregnant and they don't tell lies.

He's a good dad and he does do some practical things like helping with childcare sometimes.

Nope. He's not. Because the very first job of a good father is to be kind and considerate to the most important person in his child's life, their mother. You're pregnant with a child he's supposed to be a 'good father' to and he's made it stressful and more difficult. How on earth is that a good father. You're growing his child.

You need to leave. But maybe you need counselling to do that.

And don't tell me, you had an unhappy childhood with poor relationships.

OP you say that staying for the next twenty years with just a few moments of happiness may be better than being alone. I found this, amongst other sad things you say, to be perhaps the saddest. Twenty or so years is a huge chunk of your life and that will include your children's lives too as children are never blind to the unhappiness of their parents.
If your unhappy times far outweigh the happy ones then I think you know what you have to do and hope you can break from him without too much trauma. It is not easy but nor is it impossible.

Hey OP. Sounds horrendous. I have to tell you that "helps with childcare sometimes" sets the bar so low, you'd have to dig to find it. You should expect so much more from a partner ! Being alone is so much better than being with an unsupportive and nasty spouse (I am single with two little ones myself so I know what I'm talking about). Obviously it's your decision whether to stay or go. But it's important that you know that leaving IS an option, and it may not be the worst one ! Have you any family or friends who could help you find another place ?

My situation is a bit different from yours but I have to tell you that being single is such a blessing. I have the house to myself (and the kids of course). When they're in bed I enjoy the absolute peace and silence. I'm actually so happy single that I'm not sure I ever want to have a live-in partner.

Could you have a trial run ? Leave for a week or so, visit a friend /family, see how it'd be without him in your life ?

Staying with an awful partner is NOT better for the kids than splitting up btw !

Ah, you sound terribly confused, you also seem to be taking on far too much blame and really being hard on yourself. I'm not sure I can give you specific advice but as someone who chose to take on parenthood alone, I can tell you that there are plenty of moments of happiness. I've been totally single for over a decade with one 12yo son, it's absolutely fine and such a relief to not be constantly disappointed by someone that is supposed to love and support you.

Thanks for all the advice. I'll have a proper look at all the replies later. I think everyone is right though and I think you're right @MrsTerryPratchett I think I do need a therapist to help me get out and stay strong and resolute. Anyway just doing the school run and will probably have a nap after that because I'm super exhausted at the moment!
Thanks again, I appreciate people taking the time to offer their 2 cents xx

Sounds like you were very young and emotionally immature when you got together, that’s not a criticism aimed at you but it is at him. Men like that prey on vulnerable women. You haven’t said how much older but as you were a teenager your brain at that point is still developing. What is really good is you have recognised his treatment of you is not acceptable.

Your mental health will improve away from this man. There will be some stresses but they will be normal stresses. Have a look at women’s aid online and also find out what benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent.

When I look back at my friends and sisters relationships the only regretful ones now we are all older and our dc are teenagers or early twenties are the women that stayed with men they shouldn’t have.

Well to put it this way @Auntienumber8 I was barely legal and very naive and he was double my age. I think I was so lonely and flattered by it I missed every red flag going. I had no one at the time and I thought I was making friends. I think you're right.

I’m sorry this isn’t aimed at the original post but I’m looking for advice . I’m 11 weeks pregnant today and I’ve been off contraception for 9 years having struggled with PCOS and anorexia. I had a fling with an ex who got arrested for domestic violence towards me in 2019 and I stupidly went back to him for a night and now I’m pregnant, can I keep this baby and make sure him and his family have nothing to do with me and said baby? I had injunctions placed on him, his mother and sister but they only last for so long , would they be able to take me to court , he already has a 10 year old and I don’t want to talk badly about people’s parenting skills but he’s not a great father in all honesty, his mother bullied me and they’re not a nice family . I’d rather do this alone but can I get in trouble (I’ve been told he could take me to court) and I don’t want my baby growing up not knowing who the second half of his/her family are because that could be damaging and unfair , even though technically they would be better off. Please I just need some advice :(