Child maintainance or keep the peace with ex DP?

[WonkyWardrobe]

A bit of background, as I'm not sure if the past is clouding what is reasonable and what is not. I split with DP early this year, we share a young DD together (he has another daughter, I'm not sure if that will be relevant). During our relationship exDP was financially and emotionally abusive, mainly because of his addiction issues and when we split i was left in debt from bailing him out.

Before splitting, exDP was ammicable and initially agreed that we would split costs for DD 50/50ish, each buy her clothes for each house but split the cost of things such as nursery, shoes. ExDP also, informally, agreed that he would pay me a small sum each month for 2 years approx as that would pay off the debt that he was responsible for, even though it is in my name only.

Except things arnt so amicable now (partly my fault, but the reasons I don't think are relevant) the money towards debts has not been forthcoming, exDP has bought very few clothes for his house, no summer clothes at all really so I'm always chasing for things to be returned. I've bought DD trainers and sandals for summer, aswell as a raincoat, hoodies etc all of which I'm fine for DD to wear at her dads, but I'm starting to feel slightly annoyed that I'm the one landed with the additional expense. Some of exDPs bills are in my name still and he's frequently transferring the money late, aswell as messing around with contact times which is making it difficult to pick up extra hours at work.

I'm considering asking exDP to pay child maintenance but I'm not sure if its going to be worth making an already strained relationship even worse for DDs sake?
ExDP has a full time job, and his time with DD is arranged to as to facilitate him being able to work full time plus overtime, some of which is paid cash in hand. I belive he has had a promotion since we split, but whether his delayed earning reflect this, I do not know.

Based on his earnings, and being generous and saying he has DD 3 nights a week (it works out 4 or 5 nights a fortnight depending on whether he thinks I have plans on my DD free nights and cancels), I think I would get around £110 a month. Not a life changing amount of money, but it would allow me to become debt free far sooner, without DD having to go with put days out, swimming etc.

So I guess am I being unreasonable to tell exDP he needs to start paying?

Oh wow that was long...

Claim via CMS.

Yes he had to pay maintenance. This is ridiculous. Get what bills of his you can put into his name.

I feel your pain re having to buy everything! My ex does at least pay maintenance (court ordered in the divorce, but he’s making noises again about wanting to reduce it). However he rarely buys stuff for his house and it’s infuriating! I’m always trying to get things back. He’ll do things like collect Ds from school and then bring him back at the wrong time so he’s not in uniform and doesn’t bring the uniform, so it all slowly makes it’s way over to his house! Then I have none and need to chase it or buy more. This is really common!

I made the mistake of being 'too nice', not wanting to rock the boat for a while. Generally give them and inch and they'll try and take a mile.

Claim maintenance through CMS.

Get contact agreed in a court order if you can afford to, no wiggle room to mess you about then.

Are the bills in your name for ongoing things eg phone contract? If they are things that he is still using like a phone get him to transfer to his name by a certain time and ring the supplier and cancel them if he hasn't done it by then.

IME the less reason you have to need to interact with him the better.

Just claim through child maintenance, when I first split with ex I felt weird asking him for money so I asked him to buy things for them instead but he would just get round that by not seeing them often so no payment, just put in a claim, you don’t need to ask him

I've just used the CMS and I must admit they have been excellent. I have them all the details and they contacted my exDH directly. Turns out the amount he has been giving me is £150 per month less.

Be prepared for the upset. He found out the amount yesterday and I have been bombarded with messages about how I'm plunging him into poverty and how he will loose his house...all because of me.

The CMS is the fairest way of doing things - plus, it is not a decision that you have made which I find helps.

How can it have been at all amicable when he was so abusive and you’re still paying his debts?!

If amicable means you doing whatever he wants while he takes the piss out of your good will or fear of him turning even nastier it’s not amicable at all.

He’s a prick. He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about your daughter. He’s a liar and he’s still being abusive.

Claim every single penny through official channels, chase it as much as you have to as they can be useless. He’s stealing from, stealing from his child. And give them proof of how many overnights he really does rather than what he likes to think he does. Stop sending clothes for her, he’ll have to sort it.

Honestly, what a snake. Get what your child is owed. He’s shown a private agreement doesn’t work because he doesn’t care.

Claim. They can't backdate it until you claim so do it sooner rather than later. If he kicks up a fuss just say "this is what the government say you should pay" or don't respond.

He legally has to pay CM so definitely claim.

You are depriving your child by not claiming.

Get those bills cancelled in your name.

Call the police is he is abusive.

Please claim! CMS

Make sure you put his bills back into his name first. Otherwise the late payments will become never paid.

This is part of my dilemma, looking back I don't think I put this in my OP.

I have some contracts that I am tied into for 6 to 12 months that are actually exDPs (phone bills l etc). If I claim child maintainance I'm not sure if he's just going to stop paying these in which case me and DD won't really be better off. I can't get them in his name, he gets refused after a credit check, I've already tried.

I mentioned the promised payments for debts earlier, he says as he has DD 50/50 he won't be paying anything. He has her 3 nights a week max, usually 2 nights every other week, but sometimes only once. I think I'm just going to have to apply direct to CMS and await him telling me its now my fault he is destitute

Yeah what everyone else said. Claim.

He's not paying them either though is he ?

Please claim via cms.

If he refuses to pay the phone bill that is in your name. Call the phone company and report the phone as stolen because he is stealing from you.

Claim via cms, and move all the bills that are his but in your name to him

Just seen the post, cancel the phones. You may take a bit of a hit for cancel,I guess early but it’s then over with

But he doesn’t have her 50:50, he doesn’t buy her clothes and he expects you to find his bills and be grateful when he eventually pays you. He’s having a laugh.

Fund

How much are his bills in your name?

What bills are there?

You absolutely need to get those bills out of your name. You tell us he is amicable but then you tell us all the awful things he's done. To be frank about it, it's not your responsibility to make sure he can manage his bills or that he can get a phone. He can buy one and get a sim only if he can't get a pay monthly.
Think of you and DD's future - you say he's paying late and that could really impact your ability to get credit should you need it in the future.
And definitely claim maintenance. Flexible, informal agreements only work if he's actually going to make the payments.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing an I ask what you mean by the cm is court ordered? My solicitor says she can't get involved in cm and I have to go through cms ?

Court ordered as part of the divorce settlement.

If you weren’t married this may be why the solicitor said this.