Playdate mum micromanaging everyone

[LoveIsTheLight]

I have this friend, who came over with her daughter for a playdate. PS-we are in Canada and our rules allow indoor activities. Our kids are under 2. It seemed to me like she micromanaged the toys and was a total helicopter mum. I felt like my daughter was was getting overwhelmed coz she kept grabbing toys and giving it to her kid. I normally would not give this another thought, but she is keen to have playdates once a week but I feel a bit put out and feel like saying no. She’s been a good friend in general but her helicopter parenting and hovering gave me so much anxiety and it took all the strength i had not to react. AIBU in not wanting to go her place for a playdate? Or should I go anyway and try to overlook this? I barely have many mom friends so I am not sure if this sort of thing normally happens during playdates?

Why would this thing normally happen on playdates??

If I were you, I'd try to suggest days out at the park or something as people like that tend not to respond well to criticism and are unlikely to change.

Might be best to avoid an awkward situation.

I think it all depends on the context. Depending on whether the children are closer to 24mths or 36mths, they may be more inclined to play alongside each other rather with each other as is entirely normal for that age. They are unlikely to be inclined to share naturally or take turns.
Maybe the other mum thought that your DD had played with something her DD wanted for too long and had had enough of you not intervening. Maybe the other mum knew her daughter was about to kick off and that yours seemed calmer and wanted to keep the peace so intervened.
At that age - especially at the closer to 24 mths end - I recall play dates seemed to involve me and the other mum sitting right next to or hovering very nearby the children ready to intervene at a moment's notice when one of them decided to snatch a preferred toy, randomly thwack the other child or just to monitor what was going on and teach them how to share & take turns. Conversation was constantly interrupted by "let X have the teapot now" or "don't take that as it's X's turn" etc

On the other hand, I have also intervened where I have seen mums constantly taking the "good" toys away from my DC or where my DC was right in the midst of something and there were many other toys to keep the other child occupied in the few minutes until a better moment for my DC to hand a toy over.
There is a difference between good sharing and being a pushover!

Why would your daughter get overwhelmed because she was giving toys to her child? You might have different children and hers doesn't play well independently. Whereas your's can be left more. Try to look at what's happening objectively and have a couple of more meet-ups, spaced out a bit more.

@Ponoka7

Why would your daughter get overwhelmed because she was giving toys to her child? You might have different children and hers doesn't play well independently. Whereas your's can be left more. Try to look at what's happening objectively and have a couple of more meet-ups, spaced out a bit more.

Op said 'grabbing and giving' which sounds like abs was taking it from OP's own child? Yeah

I stopped doing play dates this soon for this very reason. Too many mums being understandably precious. And the kids are a nightmare, generally. I used to be much more cynical about it but I was a young mum once who must have annoyed other mums with my antics from time to time. With DCs 2 and 3, we’d go to the playground with other kids instead of hosting play dates. We had a few at home but it was the guinea pig stuffed into a Hello Kitty suitcase because it was going on holiday that made me declare ‘Fuck play dates’… until they’re older and you can talk sense to the kids… and parents.
It’s all pain at this stage. Who needs it? Meet at a playground instead.

I would have brought it up as a why are you taking toys off a baby??? And I would have made sure she knew I thought she was batshit for stealing off a baby.

I wouldn't be seeing her again and I would tell her why

I have a mum friend who is obsessed on making our children (who are not at a developmentally appropriate level yet) to “share” everything. It makes for a really stressful time and my daughter behaves worse for it. My view is that as long as the children aren’t physically being dangerous towards one another then just let them crack on and explore the room / garden in the way they want to. Intervene only when necessary or facilitate a game / conversation but just back off otherwise. As soon as we get there, whatever one child shows interest in it’s like “next you can have a turn, say thankyou, SAY THANKYOU!! “now it’s your turn. SAY YOU’RE WELCOME” and it’s just too much. I find it really stressful and as if I have to apologise for the developmentally normal behaviour of my child.

I'd suggest meeting up for a walk or at a park or soft play instead. She'd have less opportunity to micro manage in those environments.

I remember only having over the DM's I actually liked having a chat with so we'd just keep a cursory eye on the DC and let them get on with it whilst we had our coffee or wine depending on the time of day.

Time OP to be a bit braver and invite DC over who's DM you don't yet know. You are allowed to do that you know. Be bold.

Yanbu.

Change the venue and try one more time, setting up play date at soft play or a park or going for a walk might change the dynamic.

If not, just quietly let the friendship fizzle out, not wirth the hassle.

Go with your gut OP.

Perhaps suggest meeting on mutual territory next time, like at the park, that way she may be a bit more disarmed - and you can leave whenever you want!

This would annoy me and my kids too.
She needs a friend who has a similar parenting outlook.