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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to never talk to this friend again?

37 replies

applesarethebest · 15/06/2021 21:16

I'm having a tough time recently with my nine week old DS (premature and unwell at first, he's OK now thank goodness, but still on hourly YES HOURLY night wakings and very little napping during the day Sad).

I try to stay positive and I enjoy chatting to and seeing this friend when I'm able to. But this eve I've had a complete breakdown and I told him I was really finding things hard at the moment, and he said "how hard did you think it was going to be going into this?" - what would you think of this response??

To me it reads like, what did you expect. Well, my DS is my whole world and I was ready for things to be tough, but I didn't expect a preemie + everything that that can entail, a natural birth (I was booked for an ELCS for mental health reasons at 39 weeks but didn't make it that far) or quite so little sleep...more fool me I guess.

Thank you for reading x

OP posts:
weltenbummler · 15/06/2021 21:18

I am sorry things are very stressful for you just now. But please, this is not the time to burn bridges. Now you need friends more than ever before

ButItRingsAndIRise · 15/06/2021 21:21

Hard to tell without knowing him or his tone of voice but it could be he was genuinely asking if early motherhood was as you expected, or is it harder?
Congratulations on the birth of your DS. I also had one that never slept, it’s tough but it will get better. Flowers

Chocolatebuttercream · 15/06/2021 21:22

Oh dear, that was a bit insensitive of him. Is he a parent? The thing is having a baby IS much harder than you think. It just is. Nothing can prepare you for it and it's normal to feel completely overwhelmed. Mine used to wake up every 2 hours and I cried a lot of tears of exhaustion. Poor you OP.

Bobbiepin · 15/06/2021 21:24

You're in a super tough situation but don't make big decision when you're this tired. Be open and say he upset you and you need some more support. If he isn't able to give that, cool off for a while and resume contact when things are easier.

Rightthen24 · 15/06/2021 21:26

Does your friend have children of their own? This makes a difference, child free friends have no idea how hard it is.
Your exhausted and it's hard with a preemie, maybe respond tomorrow with 'you have an idea it's hard but until you have a child you don't realise how hard and exhausting it is. As my friend I was hoping for some support'

Original poster
applesarethebest · 15/06/2021 21:33

Thank you all for reading and responding. They have a 6 year old! It's completely possible that I misunderstood the tone of that message - I really hope that's the case. It's also true I had no idea quite how hard this would be, despite everyone warning you!!

It feels like you've tried everything sometimes to settle them Sad (my latest experiment - a Close Caboo sling. I knew DS was able to breathe OK in there as I could hear him crying nonstop while he was in it, back to the drawing board Wine)

OP posts:
lljkk · 15/06/2021 21:42

You're exhausted; don't decide to totally bin a friendship when you're exhausted.

They should have just listened sympathetically, that wasn't a supportive comment, all true. Distance for now makes sense.

AwfulSomething · 15/06/2021 21:50

@Rightthen24

Does your friend have children of their own? This makes a difference, child free friends have no idea how hard it is. Your exhausted and it's hard with a preemie, maybe respond tomorrow with 'you have an idea it's hard but until you have a child you don't realise how hard and exhausting it is. As my friend I was hoping for some support'
Some child free friends do have an idea how hard it is, that's exactly why we don't have children!

Echoing others op, don't make decisions when you're tired. Your friend was insensitive sure but don't throw away a friendship.

Chocolatebuttercream · 15/06/2021 22:03

@applesarethebest I have a 15 week old who cries a lot. I'm so sorry you are finding this tough. Does he cry lots in the day? Is he inconsolable? Maybe take him to the doctor, he may have reflux or something.

Have you tired co.sleeping to get a bit more rest?

MidgeRidge · 15/06/2021 22:24

Insensitive, yes, but don’t bin him unless he’s generally horrible. My first was a terrible sleeper for the first 9 weeks, before she found her thumb! I was utterly exhausted, and one night, after barely any sleep, I said “I can’t do this anymore” and my husband, who really and truly is lovely, replied, “well you have to”. I could have murdered him! I knew I had to but it was so flippin’ hard!
It’s also quite possible that he truly doesn’t know how hard it is. If he wasn’t doing the majority of the work for his child in the early days he won’t have any idea of the absolute exhaustion. It is brutal, but does get better. Lots of love. X

CaptainBarbossa · 15/06/2021 22:29

Don't make any big decisions about a long term friendship whilst sleep deprived and with a new baby. Wait until you have found your footing as a parent and are getting a little bit more sleep, at least. You might regret losing a friend, and even if this friend ends up not being a keeper it's not a good idea to shrink your support network as a new parent (a lot of people fall away anyway) especially when this might have been taken the wrong way.

Try to find the best possible way to take it, instead of jumping to a negative conclusion about his motive

Hsurbbrb · 15/06/2021 22:33

It is a really shit thing to say really, but I wouldn’t throw away a friendship over one thoughtless comment. If it’s unusual for you to break down and he’s not particularly good during emotional conversations then it’s possible he just panicked and said something daft

Babygotblueyes · 15/06/2021 22:39

It is so hard to tell from a written message what the tone is, and when you are tired it is easy to misunderstand. Unless he has always been an arse, it is likely just a genuine question. Sorry you are having such a hard time, and hoping it gets easier soon. Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2021 22:40

You say he has a 6 yo, but was theirs prem? Presumably parents together? Sometimes people just don't understand what it's like and think it's all the same.
Unless he's known for minimising your feelings, I wouldn't cut him off. Tell him you, like most people, didn't expect to have a premature and ill baby and you're struggling especially hard ATM

donquixotedelamancha · 15/06/2021 22:59

I can't even see why the message is insensitive. To me it's just asking about how you feel as an opening for you to vent.

billy1966 · 15/06/2021 23:50

Don't waste valuable energy stressing about a twatty comment when you are under such unbelievable stress.

Of course you didn't expect it to be this hard and so full of worry.

You need to mind yourself and accept any offer of support and help.

You poor women.
Flowers

DoNotEat · 16/06/2021 00:24

He's probably not had to deal with a tiny screaming baby or he's forgotten. By 6 you've usually forgotten how hard it is.

If he says anything again maybe just point out you didn't think it was going to be so torturous or asking he can settle them.

PiuVinoPerFavore · 16/06/2021 03:15

I can understand why you are annoyed but don't throw away the friendship. You are knackered,and might not feel as strongly if you weren't sleep deprived. I hope things get easier for you soon.

FlyNow · 16/06/2021 06:28

Yep, don't bin the friendship over this. I'd ignore the message and just give it an eye roll, and start fresh next week. It was a bit twatty but don't we all put our foot in mouth sometimes.

rwalker · 16/06/2021 06:30

I don't think there anything wrong with message but at the moment you will be hyper sensitive let it go .

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 16/06/2021 06:30

It was insensitive but I wouldn’t throw away the friendship based on this; you’re having a particularly hard time but it will get better.

Clickbait · 16/06/2021 06:38

Please don't end a good friendship over one thoughtless comment. Hope things improve for you soon OP.

Landlubber2019 · 16/06/2021 06:38

Sorry but your friend sounds clueless! He may himself be a dad, but he hasn't been pregnant, he hasn't given birth, hasn't experienced caring for a premie. He has no clue how difficult your life is currently, however you don't need to create more stress. He clearly isn't your go-to person for support right now, do you have anyone to lean upon?

Congratulations btw on your new baby, it will get easier just take 1 day at a timeFlowers

Bluntness100 · 16/06/2021 06:47

Honestly it’s a bit insensitive depending on tone and that’s hard to decipher in the written word but not something you’d end a friendship over. I think you’re just tired and stressed. 💐

stairway · 16/06/2021 07:02

Don’t bin the friendship, it’s impossible to say the right thing all the time. Everything is so much harder than expected! I sympathise with the shock of having a vaginal birth when you are expecting a section and having a premie must have added to that.