To wait until anxiety is lowered before allowing my Mum to babysit

[ZZBAV]

I have 2 young children. My Mum lives 90 minutes away. She can be quite overbearing but that’s a whole other thread. She has always been quite anxious and I know on occasion this has rubbed off on me and my eldest daughter (for example when using a public loo) but I actively try to stop that as my daughter is quite anxious anyway. Since Covid though my Mums anxiety has gone through the roof and we have not seen her often. When we did see her she would either go nowhere near the kids (like 5m) and actively move away from them or exhibit irrational behaviours like not drinking so she didn’t need the loo or suggesting my 5 year old needs a mask. When we did a Christmas gift exchange she got so anxious about me even going to visit (from a distance in line with the rules) and then shouted when I touched the reusable carrier bag she had provided for me to put the presents in. On one occasion she hugged my daughter but would only do it when my daughter was facing away from her and for a week or so my DD thought that’s how she had to hug everyone. Her and my step dad have now been double vaxed but she is still Uber anxious and talks about covid a lot. She will hug the kids now at least but noone else, she won’t go in public loos, cleans her shopping, struggles if you go places where people are outside etc. We haven’t had a break in ages and are hoping the kids can go to ILs soon (they are not over anxious about things but still sensible) but my Mum is itching to have the kids stay at hers but I am reluctant until she calms down so it doesn’t rub off on the kids, especially my 5 year old: obviously we will still see them but am
I being unreasonable waiting for it to settle before they go alone?

Gosh no.

Your mum sounds like she has an actual, clinical anxiety disorder. I won't try and say which as it's impossible and unethical to do that via a second hand account on the internet. But her behaviour is very clearly abnormal and not healthy for your children to be around. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them in her care, who knows whether she'd suddenly get a panic on about whether one of your kids seemed a bit peaky and might have something and be unable to touch them?

I wouldn't want them around adults exhibiting that behaviour as they'll pick up on it, as you say your eldest already has re toilets.

I'd be reluctant to leave them with her until she has drastically improved and stabilised for a decent length of time or sought professional help and improved. Supervised visits until then only.

Thanks so much, I feel guilty as I love my Mum and it’s sad to see her so stressed but she thinks it’s reasonable as there’s a pandemic and it will be fine soon but it’s always I’ll feel better when so and so has had a vaccine and then both vaccines then three weeks for it to settle etc but all rational deadlines have gone now. I want to support her to seek help and wouldn’t just refuse contact as when they are playing together it’s nice and that wouldn’t be fair on the kids anyway who miss her but I just don’t want it rubbing off. My brother thinks I’m mean as it’s just mum but I don’t think it’s helpful to just fuel anxiety rather than challenging it. Thanks

You're not being mean at all, your primary job is to safeguard the wellbeing of your children and she doesn't sound like she's in a fit place at the moment to be caring for them unsupervised. She sounds unwell.

If you feel that she can keep seeing the kids and you're able to mitigate the impact of seeing her behaviour on them then that's the best solution I think, but don't ever feel bad about not leaving them in her sole care while she's like this.

You could gently suggest that she see her doctor to find out if there's anyone she can talk to to help her become a bit less worried about covid, but you won't be able to make her if she doesn't want to.

Once you have children your primary responsibility is towards then, no-one else. It sounds like you have good reason to be concerned that they'd be negatively affected so visits where you're there to mitigate things instead would be sensible. Maybe just don't bring up the fact that your in laws are having them unless directly asked to avoid upset?

Thank you for your helpful comments. We have spent more time with the in laws and my Dad as they have been more willing to do that. I will try and keep babysitting quiet though. And intend to try and do a camping trip or something when suitable so it’s fair and then I can mitigate any issues or challenge any irrational comments. Hopefully as things change it will improve.

I'd let her get on with it, we were all a bit bonkers to start with as we didn't know what we were dealing with. She'll be more relaxed as she's in her own home. She's their Granny, and grannies come with all sorts of different personalities and the sooner kids realise this the more rounded people they become not expecting everyone to be the same. I bet they'll have a lovely time