To feel this way

[RachaelE]

Hi. This might be a bit of a long post but I can’t talk about this with anyone but my partner and I’d like people’s perspective. I’m 35 years old have two children and I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. Almost all of my life I’ve suffered with anxiety. It’s started in childhood due to my dp eg the upbringing i had, the fact they had a volatile relationship and my dm was a type A control freak. Anyway over the years I developed social anxiety and it’s got worse the last few years. I have a small circle of friends which I’m very content with but when I’m invited to things eg parties and nights out I stress about it for days/weeks leading up to it. I find small talk with people I love hard for prolonged periods so when it comes to bigger more formal thirds like weddings I struggle so much more.

I have a wedding a week on Saturday and if I could get out of going I would. I always feel super awkward at weddings, I struggle talking to people I don’t know, I get bored easily and i hate dancing. Someone always drags me onto the dance floor and I have zero coordination or rhythm and generally feel like awkward and that people are looking at me. I use alcohol as a crutch when I’m at big gatherings but in the end it doesn’t help that much. I feel the anxiety building and want to leave but can never find an excuse to. I really want to feel normal and want to want to talk to people and enjoy myself but I can never relax enough to just have fun. I feel like there is something wrong with me.

Sorry I just read my post back and I come across as I right miserable cow😭

Not much help for Saturday - but for the future a polite refusal is permissible. I hate events like this, too - I'd be bored to tears. You sound perfectly normal to me!
Too late to wriggle out of this one but make sure you're in control of your own getaway/transport and slip away early. Saying sober helps you to seize your chance. Don't make a big thing of it, just quietly disappear. Preferably before the dancing.

Bit late for this one but don't feel you have to go to these things. Or you could always go to the ceremony and meal then say you have plans in the evening. If someone drags you into dancing just say no. They can't force you.

I'm exactly like you but just don't see it as a problem.

If I would be so worried about an event or gathering, I simply say I'm not going. I only have 1 very close friend so all events are generally via my partner and he knows I'm not sociable so we have an agreement that I only need to go somewhere if it's mega important and means a lot to him (eg best friends wedding etc). If it's just a random birthday he tends to make up an excuse although I'd much prefer he was honest and simply said I didn't want to be there!

Yeah I know they can’t force me but I was kind of assumed I’d be going and if I had said no they’d want to know why. None of my family know about my anxiety as I don’t feel comfortable having the conversation with them.

Hi OP, I feel similar about big gatherings. Just not my thing. When I do go to weddings I stay at the venue if at all possible. That way I can go back to my room and have some downtime and a cup of tea to recharge when needed. I time my recharges carefully and I don't think anyone's ever noticed my short absences! Hope Saturday goes okay.

Thank you. Yeah I’m hoping I can slip away a few times throughout the day to recharge my batteries.

If you want support for your anxiety you could try phoning AnxietyUK

If you're in England Bojo has put paid to wedding dancing! Keep your mask on, socially distance and crinkle your eyes to make it look as though you're smiling at everyone. Decide before you get there what signal will mean 'get me out of here!' and blame it on a headache. Good luck.

Aw the hotel where the wedding is have a big marquee on the grounds which they’ve dedicated for outside dancing. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure I’ll get up and dance but it’ll only be so that people don’t think that I’m an insufferable bore.

I just laugh and say oh no I don't dance and that is enough for people.

Lol yeah that might work.

Unless its an extremely close friend or family member who would be offended if you didn't go, I would politely decline.

You clearly find situations like this very difficult so don't put yourself through it unless your presence is absolutely non-negotiable.

I think it might be worth giving some thought to whether you feel actively anxious and distressed at these events or whether you are just an introvert who doesn't particularly enjoy them. If you want to enjoy them but can't due to anxiety it might be worth getting some help in the form of counselling. It can't be much fun to be crippled with fear like this.

On the other hand plenty of people just don't really enjoy big events and prefer a small group of people they know and trust. Which is fine if you're comfortable with it.

Well it’s a close cousin of mine who is getting married. We get on well and see each other all the time so I can’t really not go. I’ve debated for a long time if I’m just introverted but I don’t think it’s just that. I am quiet by nature but I over think things all the time. I worry about how an event will my go for weeks before the day, worry about what I’ll talk to people about, have to remind myself to look interested and pay attention when people talk to me as I tend to get distracted and don’t give people eye consistent eye contact as I worry people will see through me etc.

I’m also feeling quite low. I’ve been like this the last few years. I tried to get help from my gp but it was pointless.

I've never been to a wedding where there weren't people who didn't dance. No-one's going to think you're boring or insufferable just because this time you don't stand around awkwardly on the edges jerking your limbs in vague time to the music.

You could always invent a minor injury to your foot or knee, or something.

I worry about how an event will go for weeks before the day, worry about what I’ll talk to people about,

Think back to previous events. How did they go? Did you hold conversations with people? It can be done.

I think part of the reason you're getting distracted when people talk to you is that you're so busy worrying about what you're going to say next that you're not actually listening properly to them - which can be a very annoying trait in someone who does it for the opposite reason to yours!

In extremis I have been known to yawn hugely and say something like "oh excuse me - I've been sleeping really badly recently, I think it's the change in the weather". Then everyone puts your lack of conversation down to lack of sleep