To tell my mum's best friend that mum is in hospital?

[tedapata]

My mum has a best friend who has always been by her side. She is my god mother, and we see her almost weekly. My mum has taken very ill, and is in intensive care for the last few days.

My dad has forbade me from telling anyone apart from immediate family, as he doesn't want people fussing and contacting him. AIBU to ignore him and tell her anyway. I feel like she has a right to know. She is probably wondering why my mum isn't replying to her texts.

At the end of the day, it is my mum that is ill, and not just my dad's wife if you see what I mean. Surely as a grown woman I have as much right to make decisions as he does.

I think you should, and am sure your mum would feel the same X

I have been in a similar position to you and I respected the silence for a week, then told the other person, but asked them only to communicate with me about it, so that the ill person's carer wasn't hassled at all.

I told the carer what I was doing and why and they grudgingly accepted it. I fully understood their reluctance and their need to simplify everything in such stressful times, but I also had my own relationship with both the ill person and their friend and - so long as it didn't impact the carer- I decided I had the right to make some decisions alone as an adult.

I would tell her then ask her not to contact your dad, you will update her when you get more news. Hope your mum gets better soon,

Tell her.

Tell her. Your dad isn't your mum's keeper

I would also tell her

Yes, tell her, but explain your dad isn't up to receiving calls about it (however well-intentioned), and that she can keep in contact with you instead.

I would tell her she’s her best friend that makes her more family than some family for some people. Does your dad not get on with the friend? Either way make sure the friend has your number so if she does ask after your mother it’s you she talks to and not your dad.

Agree with others that your mum would want her told, and to ask she only contact you and why.

So sorry about your mum I hope she is OK soon xx

Sorry just re read the OP she won't be getting better im so sorry xx

Thanks. I will ring the friend and speak to her personally. Will tell her to only contact me. Thanks for the well wishes, fingers crossed for my mum, seeing the docs later for a progress report.

I really hope you get good news from the doctors

Tell her, but also tell her to keep in touch with you rather than your Dad.

It's really unfair not to tell her when they have been friends for such a long time. Some people (like your Dad) are really funny about not bothering or worrying other people about stuff. It's almost unexplainable.

If it was the other way round your mum would want to know about her friend. And if mum wasn't so ill she'd have her phone with her and tell her friend herself.

Hope your DMum gets better soon.

I'd also recommend that you all her not to tell others, as your Dad doesn't feel able to deal with people being in touch.

But I think you are doing the right thing.

Of course you should tell her.

Just tell her to communicate through you as your dad can’t handle it right now

Tell her, but explain your Dads feelings and make it clear you’re only able to tell her because you know she’ll co tact you and not him for updates.
I hope your DM rallies soon and that you’re coping OK.

Sorry to hear your mum is so unwell.

It is a common response when under stress, I remember when my mum was in ICU and dad's initial reaction was he didn't want to bother people, including my siblings who I had to convince him weren't just "people" and he agreed to let me go and call them while he waited bedside.

As he came to terms with what was happening over a couple of days he contacted mums sisters etc.

Even if I didn't agree I could see where he was coming from, there was nothing they could do, visiting to ICU was restricted (this was pre pandemic) and it made no difference practically if they knew or not and why give them the worry or him the pressure to keep them up to date when he wasn't up to it.

It is also a common response for some people to want to tell people. Share the burden/load by talking.

No one has a "right to know", for me it is the wishes of the patient or, if gravely ill and not able to communicate their wishes the person they would have liked to make decisions for them, which in this case is probably your dad.

Mum had been having chemo/had a massive infection and Drs told us to prepare as they didn't think she would make it and was likely to go in the next 24hrs, in the end after a painful 3 days she stabilsed and pulled through. She didn't give a jot who was or wasn't told outside the family.

Personally, I would not go against your dads wishes for now and would not contact her friend, but if her friend contacted you I would tell her.