Autism and understanding from others

[SherlockandJohn]

My DC (10) has ASD. Our home is the 'safe space' and we try to keep change to a minimum /talk them through potential visits.
They have a 4 and 3 year old cousin who often appear in the garden with a parent or grandparent without warning. If the children behave in a way on the garden equipment that I know is stressful to my DC, I ask them politely not to do it. Both the parent and grandparent think I am unreasonable for this and should be more inclined to let the younger ones do as they please. Equipment in our garden has been funded for meeting my DC sensory needs.
I don't think they understand the level of distress that these behaviours can cause my DC (self harm in the past).

YABU - stop asking them.

YANBU - Look out for your DC

100% keep trying to explain how it affects your DS. But if they keep doing it I'd just not have them around because as you say home is your DS's safe space and it is not fair to him to compromise that. How do they get in your garden uninvited?? Put a stop to that straight away. My DS has Autism too and I have certain rules when people are over and if they don't stick to them they won't be invited back as it would be unfair to my DS.

YANBU to want to make thinks as pleasant for your child as possible.

Only you know what your child can cope with.

I have two autistic nieces.
One could not accept this in any way, and would be distressed every time, there is nothing her parents could say or do.
The other, could cope if the visits were always planned (so she had a bit of time to psych herself up and remind herself / be reminded of the next bit) and her mum had had lots of conversations with her about “Alice always stands on the swing, doesn’t she? And that’s OK for her, and when she’s done we’ll wipe it and you will only sit on it.”

If your child is like my niece #1, YANBU.
If your child is like my niece #2, YABU and should help her cope.

I very much expect you wouldn’t have posted if your child was like my second niece though!

Can you block access to the equipment or put it away if they start misbehaving on it? People are being really unfair, even with out asd , these are your sons items and he is entitled to have his stuff respected.

YANBU
You wouldn’t accept small relatives being chucked through the front door unannounced and pissing about with a wheelchair
Can you a. secure the garden in such a way that guests have to be invited in?
b. Explain to the parents/grandparents that the sensory equipment are out of bounds, but they could bring some age appropriate garden toys for the visiting cousins? It might be easier to redirect them from your DC stuff with a ‘better’ (to a 3 year old) offering

Thank you! I've been seriously questioning my sanity for the last week. Appreciate all of this.

Is there any way at all you can stop them getting into the garden?

We never managed to get through to my in laws that just turning up when you have autistic kid is not acceptable. Mil I'm sure did it all the more to spite us.

YANBU but if they are just playing as small children do then it might be better not to have them round than be constantly telling them "no, don't do that"

Sounds like they are using the specially funded equipment as their own private playground forgetting why your Ds needs it.

Stop them getting into your garden without asking first or being invited.

So if you have a gate they use lock it or put a padlock on it. If the area is open then you are going to have to fence it in.

The adults are simply rude and teaching the toddler to be rude and inconsiderate.

There are a couple of gardens I can easily access which have play equipment in. I've made it very clear to my toddler she isn't to touch it or step foot near it without asking me so I can ask the owners.

Bloody hell OP of course YANBU, it's your garden and DS's equipment. I wouldn't want them showing up without invitation in the first place let alone acting like arseholes.

Appearing in your garden without warning is absolutely off.

But if the cousins are visiting and arrive in the normal way, I think it's pretty difficult for them to be completely micromanaged on the equipment, unless they're using it dangerously or at risk of breaking it.

I do get how difficult this is for your DS, as I've taught autistic children in a specialist setting for my whole career. But I also know from parents how difficult it can be to manage positive relationships within the family, while protecting the welfare of one's child. Is there any way they can have some time on the equipment while your DS is otherwise engaged, so he can't see them using it in a way that upsets him?

YANBU. My DD is the age of your DNs, she would fully understand "No, you're not allowed stand on the swing, you can do that in the one in the park but not the one here."

I think the point about not messing around with a wheelchair is a good one and I would put it to them like that. The equipment is a disability aid for your DS and needs to be respected as such.

YANBU. 3&4 is incredibly young to understand but the adults supervising them should understand that it causes your son distress. My son is 10 and autistic too and he would be the same way. I would stop the visits if it doesn't stop. Your sons home should his place he can relax!