Shared custody - children reluctant to spend time with their father

[whatsthetimemisterwolf]

My ex and I separated in March, and went to mediation to try and arrange custody. We agreed on a 10 week trial period, with 50/50 custody (he wouldn't consent to me having the children more, as he doesn't want to pay child support 🙄)

We are nearing the end of the trial period and our children, aged 4 and 6, are very vocal about wanting to be with me more. They are often upset when I drop them off and don't want to stay with him.

My ex won't consent to Voice Of Child prior to mediation and I feel really stuck about how to ensure the focus is on the children's wellbeing. I am nervous about going to court and ending up with an inflexible parenting plan, decreed by a judge.

The mediator has told me it is normal for children to be upset and I should arrange counseling for him (they are on a waitlist).

I would love any advice on how to deal with this - he is an angry, reactive man who was emotionally abusive during our relationship, and had PSO against him for pushing me. I know that, and he won't change.

So within the confines of co-parenting with someone like that, what can I do to support my children? When they ask me 'why can't we stay with you?' I just say 'because dad would miss you and it's important for you to spend time with him too' but they don't seem to be adjusting.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

You don’t want a judge to decide so you are 100% letting your ex decide.
If the trial period hasn’t worked and it obviously hasn’t, then court is your next option. Your children are not happy, you need to stand up for them.

How is he towards them?

I support children with emotional needs in schools and many come from divorced or separated homes and we discuss things like this in our sessions and how they feel about things in their lives. In my experience it's quite common for children to say this to one or even both parents when they are leaving, but it's not always because they don't actually want to be with or see the other parent but because they will miss the one they are leaving. The parent hearing this can then feel as you do and feel guilty and think it means the child really doesn't want to be with the other parent, which it really doesn't always mean. Some children have even told me in the past that they would say certain things to appease a parent or because they thought it would make that parent happy to hear.

Of course there are times when a child doesn't actually want to see the other parent because they treat the child badly but in all honesty amongst those I've worked with it's incredibly rare and even kids who have parents who are awful to them, are usually besotted by them and desperate to see them. They may not always feel able to tell their parents this though.

Unless you have fears for the safeguarding of the children while they are with him then I think you just need to be positive and encouraging each time and to remember that it's not necessarily about him and them not wanting to be with him, but more about them missing you.
Obviously if you know he is aggressive towards them when they are with him then that's different and I'd be telling the court that.

If the maintenance were not an issue, how much of the time do you think he would want to have them?

Tell him you will forgo maintenance and want to try them staying with you more

You should never stop listening to your child

@Theunamedcat

Tell him you will forgo maintenance and want to try them staying with you more

You should never stop listening to your child

I wouldn’t do this, way too early and this might be what he is waiting for you.

He may get tired of having the kids 50% of the time, OP should wait and see.

Someone will have better adbice shortly. But my 2p...

Start a diary and recordings.

Do not back down and use whatever leverage you have he won't play fair and you need to remember that and fight for your children.

In mediation quote your children back and don't be flexible. Decide what's best for the kids and stick with it.

When they ask me 'why can't we stay with you?' I just say 'because dad would miss you and it's important for you to spend time with him too' but they don't seem to be adjusting
Nicely, Stop doing this. If he isnt a good dad you are creating cognitive dissonance and basically gaslighting them.
Tell them it's the rules made by the judge and you are trying to change it or similar.

Thank you for all your replies - I appreciate it and it is interesting to hear different perspectives. There is clearly not one right answer, because there are such differences in responses, which I feel within my own mind as well.

Gah.

I am putting most focus on the advice to not back down - he thinks I am a push over and traditionally I have let him bully and control me. Time to dig deep.

Thanks again.

I am putting most focus on the advice to not back down - he thinks I am a push over and traditionally I have let him bully and control me. Time to dig deep.

100% right. The hardest part was leaving an abusive man, you can do this.

My point is if you tell him no maintenance and you don't need the kids 50/50 you will never get a legally binding agreement for zero maintenance what you will get is a genuine answer is he doing it because he lives his kids or because he loves his money

My DD didn't want to see my (estranged) DH (her father) ever. She still doesn't want to be left alone with him now we are forced to share a house (Pandemic) she doesn't like him. He does no cooking, no care.

I truly believe my DD hated going to see DH and I believe your DC's.

I'd be going to court if you don't believe 50:50 is in the dc's best interests (I bet you are right about this).

There's some value in an inflexible plan - you won't get less than 50:50 so it can't make things worse and your ex won't be able to control you.

@stackemhigh

I am putting most focus on the advice to not back down - he thinks I am a push over and traditionally I have let him bully and control me. Time to dig deep.

100% right. The hardest part was leaving an abusive man, you can do this.

Yes, with my husband I felt I was being so hypocritical. I couldn't bear his abusive presence. Why would my DD? Why send her to him? (Even though I was at some points, exhausted)

When they say they don't want to be with him, do they say why? Their response is really what makes the difference.

If it is that he leaves them alone, on the living room all day, in front of the TV, whilst he is on his phone all the time. Never takes them out, shouts at them, won't do bedtime routine, then that's fair enough.

If the reasons though is that they want you, before you've been their main care giver until now so it's a change to them that requires longer to adjust too, then it is fair to give it longer and for them to adjust to different routines.