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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Funeral second cousin

16 replies

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 15/06/2021 00:26

Would you go to the funeral of a distant in-law (met twice ) who fought against your community . I know I’m being vague, but husband does not understand why I don’t want to be in the main party. I’m fine to stand at the back, but it’s going to be a big funeral ( pomp and circumstance) but I’m very uncomfortable about the whole thing .

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2021 00:31

I'm not sure I'd go to the funeral of anyone I'd only met twice.

Why would you?

0None0 · 15/06/2021 00:33

If your partner wants your support, I’d go

Womencanlift · 15/06/2021 00:33

I couldn’t tell you who my second cousins are. Certainly wouldn’t be going to their funeral

Even if, like you, I did know but not well there is no way I would join the main party. Pretty disrespectful IMO. Why does your DH think you should?

lljkk · 15/06/2021 00:38

Why does your Husband want you to attend?

Original poster

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 15/06/2021 00:41

Also the two times I met him he was very derogatory about my community/country and I just laughed it off. I did mention to my husband , but I don’t think he understood how upsetting it was . Now I’m expected to do the whole what I great man he was … but he was not for me .

OP posts:

Snookie00 · 15/06/2021 00:44

Why does your dh care of you go to this man’s funeral. You barely know him and you didn’t like him. You shouldn’t have to go along with the charade of pretending he was a decent guy just to please your dh.

Original poster

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 15/06/2021 00:46

Only found out tonight Inwas to be in the main party . Not sure why . When we had my FiL funeral I was not part of the main party . So expected this to be the same.

OP posts:

Ozanj · 15/06/2021 00:48

Depends on the culture. A second cousin is considered a close relation by Romany or South Asian standards and so even if they didn’t talk your DH would need to be in the main party.

Original poster

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 15/06/2021 00:55

He won’t talk to me now. By chance we are in the area , originally we were staying in a hotel , but DH cancelled and now we staying with his family so will have to go to the funeral. He wants to go , which is fine. I’m happy to sit at the back, but he wants me to be part of the main bit, which I can’t be

OP posts:

DeathStare · 15/06/2021 06:50

Could you "feel unwell" on the day?

stackemhigh · 15/06/2021 07:10

You have DH issues. Does he often give you silent treatment?

And don’t go to the funeral, relax with a book or TV. Don’t reward his tantrum.

0None0 · 16/06/2021 09:54

@DeathStare

Could you "feel unwell" on the day?

Why would you do that? How mean and manipulative.

PurpleyBlue · 16/06/2021 09:56

Just say you aren't comfortable being in the main bit but are happy to go and sit at the back or stay at home. Those are his choices.

MatildaTheCat · 16/06/2021 09:58

To be honest if you are included in the main party as a second cousin whom he’d met twice, I’d take a guess and say he wasn’t a popular man.

I agree with you. Don’t go at all if you don’t want to or most definitely sit quietly at the back and reflect on whatever you like.

LittleOwl153 · 16/06/2021 09:59

I would take yourself off to the hotel and consider whether you want to return home with you racist "d"h!

elliejjtiny · 16/06/2021 10:12

Is it your 2nd cousin or your dh's? I'm surprised that you would be close enough as a 2nd cousin to be invited with the current restrictions on numbers. Both my grandmothers died this year and I wasn't allowed to attend either of their funerals because the numbers had to be limited.

If it's your 2nd cousin then it's completely up to you and you don't need to give a reason. If it's your dh's 2nd cousin it's still up to you but you might need to be a bit more diplomatic and say that you couldn't possibly take up a place at a funeral with limited numbers for someone you don't know that well.

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