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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think in laws should help terminally ill Bil & family?

26 replies

Cobb121 · 14/06/2021 21:55

Unfortunately my brother in law got a stage 4 cancer diagnosis last week. Sister in law is worried sick about affording rent now bil can’t work and she will most likely have to give up her job to care for him and their 4 kids.

The in laws are really wealthy, live in a massive 5 bed house and have several properties that the rent out that they own out right.

Aibu to think that mil and fil should help them out during this horrible time? They are known for being tight with money but how could you let your daughter have financial worries alongside the worry about becoming a widow and being left the sole parent to 4 kids. I’m so livid 😤

OP posts:
lotstolose1 · 14/06/2021 21:56

Yes if they have the means to then I'd hope they would help. Have they said they won't?

Marty13 · 14/06/2021 21:57

I would help in this situation but it's their decision, nothing you can do about it. For all you know maybe they will.

Mellonsprite · 14/06/2021 21:57

If I had the means to help out family in these circumstances then I would.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 14/06/2021 21:58

It’s not what you want but it’s up to them. Focus on looking out for them and supporting her as this anger/resentment towards the in-laws is a waste of emotion.

Neolara · 14/06/2021 21:59

If the diagnosis was very recent, maybe they are just working out how they might be able to help.

Unescorted · 14/06/2021 22:00

Not a direct answer to your question, but UC claims can be fast tracked for people with terminal diagnoses.

Original poster
Cobb121 · 14/06/2021 22:04

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit

It’s not what you want but it’s up to them. Focus on looking out for them and supporting her as this anger/resentment towards the in-laws is a waste of emotion.
I want to cry but I can’t, I just feel numb. I can’t stop thinking about those poor kids 😢

Mil just keep reappearing they’re so worried about money I don’t know what to say to them. Hopefully they will be entitled to some benefits, does anyone know is it the Macmillan nurse that can advise them on what financial support they can get?

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 14/06/2021 22:05

He was only diagnosed last week. Their child is dying, they might need some time to process it.

Embracelife · 14/06/2021 22:07

Dies he has life insurance ?

rookiemere · 14/06/2021 22:08

If they are tight, then it might not occur to them that this would be the right thing to do. Is your DH their DS in which case perhaps he could speak to them and suggest it.

youOKhunn · 14/06/2021 22:09

@Freddiefox

He was only diagnosed last week. Their child is dying, they might need some time to process it.
No it's their daughters husband... I think
Brainwave89 · 14/06/2021 22:09

Hi, I have some experience with cancer unfortunately. I found Macmillan very very good and able to advise on benefits and other arrangements. These are unpleasant discussions, but is there any life insurance or pension arrangements? For people dying whilst in work the benefits are usually good, and on a terminal diagnosis may pay out now. If not, it would be certainly possible to borrow against them, at very modest rates.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2021 22:10

@Freddiefox

He was only diagnosed last week. Their child is dying, they might need some time to process it.
Their son in law is dying.

OP, this is a distraction, you’re very distressed and of course if they can help they should do, any decent person would, but you’re not helping yourself focussing on this. For your family Flowers

frazzledasarock · 14/06/2021 22:11

Yes Macmillan have a benefits helpline.

Call them ASAP, they’ll tell you what benefits to apply and help with applications in some cases and also.

He may also be able to get adult social care to help with his care, his wife needs to contact her local council for that.

tara66 · 14/06/2021 22:11

Sorry you had such bad news. You need to be sensitive to the PIL's feelings too and not barge in to judge them. It's unlikely they'll let their grandchildren starve.

Babyroobs · 14/06/2021 22:14

many local Oncology centres have a macmillan benefits team who can advise on benefits. If his prognosis is less than six months and he doesn't already get PIP then he should make an application for PIP now and ask his Nurse specialist/ macmillan Nurse whether he is eligible for a Ds1500 medical report - if he is then PIP can be fast tracked possibly at the highest rates. On the basis on PIP being awarded then his wife could claim carers allowance and/ or carers element of UC depending on her situation and earnings.
They may already get tax credits, if not then they may be eligible for Uc or they should have a benefit check to se what works out best for them.
They may be eligible for a macmillan grant if there is a specific need.
Call the Macmillan support line on 0908 808 00 00 and go for the option to the welfare rights team - they can do a full benefit check. They also have a financial guidance team if they need advise on debts, worries about mortgage repayments, loans etc.

CanIBeACurlyGirl · 14/06/2021 22:21

I'm so sorry Flowers

Depending on your BILs savings, they can apply to the council for carers to attend along side Macmillan nurses. They can choose the care package depending on need. Most client's have am, lunch, tea and bed calls with 1 or 2 carers visiting.

Worth checking if any critical illness policies are in place and life insurance as well as informing the bank and rental company.

saveforthat · 14/06/2021 22:24

If he has a personal pension it may be possible for the whole pot to be paid out tax free now if he has been diagnosed with less than 12 months to live. He can check with the provider

Movealongmovealong · 14/06/2021 22:32

32 years in DWP here.. I am so sad to hear this.. perhaps I can offer some practical help.

There are all kinds of benefit help for people with terminal diagnosis. The first one is PIP (personal independence payment) his consultant needs to sign. ds1500 form and the highest rate of PIP will be immediately payable regardless of savings or any other household income. He will also be entitled to Employment Support Allowance based on the stamp he has paid.. (also not means tested) then there are means tested top ups (not eligible if savings over 16k or other high household income) via universal credit that can cover or help towards rent costs and basic living allowances.
based on their particular circumstances.. (Disabled with PIP , rent and wife as his carer) Benefits are quite generous in these circumstances.
Your BIL wife (your sister ?) needs to get on the web and Google 'Turn2us' which is a highly efficient benefits calculator. It will hopefully put her mind at rest.. (or perhaps you can do this for her). .McMillan will help with form completion as will the DWP visiting officers if she requests one.

People never cease to amaze me - especially where money is concerned but I am quite shocked that this family live in a rented house whilst his parents OWN numerous properties. Surely, one grows a property portfolio in order to amass wealth.. wealth that you will then pass on to your children - barring callings out and the like . (Which doesn't sound like this situation) . What kind of weirdness is it to let your child spend money paying someone else's mortgage when you have the means to either give them a home or at the very least rent it to them at cost ! .. especially when young children is a time when most people struggle, even without devastating illnesses.

My guess is that if they were happy for this to be the case - the chances of them helping out now is minimal.

They sound like the sort of people who think they can take it with them.

Definitely not the way I would live my life. Money is for making your family comfortable and happy where possible.

Freddiefox · 14/06/2021 22:43

Sorry my mistake

stackemhigh · 14/06/2021 22:48

YANBU.

Any chance BIL has critical illness cover or help through work? I’m guessing not. Could DH have a word with PIL?

BunnyRuddington · 14/06/2021 22:49

Not really what you were asking but our local hospice do "hospice at home" which we found very useful. They sent someone to sit with my DF for a few hours at night so that we could get a bit of sleep.

They also have day patient services and will arrange transport.

HeddaGarbled · 14/06/2021 22:55

It’s not your place to be ‘livid’ with people to whom you are only tangentially related. You can support your brother and sister in law and their children without getting distracted by unhelpful hostility. You may not know the full story.

LakieLady · 14/06/2021 22:57

@Unescorted

Not a direct answer to your question, but UC claims can be fast tracked for people with terminal diagnoses.
And PIP claims can, too. Macmillan have people who will come and help with the forms.

If your SIL claims UC, she should make sure that she tells them she's caring for him, as that will get them a little extra.

But yes, if your PILs are that loaded they should help their daughter out.

So sorry OP, this must be and awful shock and so sad for you all.

Original poster
Cobb121 · 15/06/2021 17:05

Thanks so much for the replies, all the benefit advice has been really helpful I’ve passed all the information on to my sil.

If mil starts talking about their money worries again I’m going to ask her out right why they can’t offer any support.

OP posts: