Children how did they cope when you cut contact from grandparent?

[makesmestronger]

Hi

I have a narcissist mother, and my relationship has never been great but in the last few years things have been going down hill and in tonight I think we hit rock bottom.

I only have one son and he was very attached to my Dad but sadly he passed 4 years ago - he has got close to granny but does call her grumpy granny at times. He doesn't see his other grandparents (on my husband side) one not interested and the other does phone but lives quite a few hours away and doesn't drive - plus we've had Covid so my son's only active grandparent.

I am after tonight seriously going no contact with my Mum but worry about my son - what experiences have you had with children being cut from Grandparents?

Thank you

I wish my mum had cut contact with her toxic parents. The damage they did to her, my dad and to us was awful and could have been avoided if she wasn’t so scared of them after a lifetime of being stuck in the fog (fear, obligation, guilt).

Why does your son call her grumpy granny? It seems her behaviour is already impacting him negatively already.

Children can benefit from lovely grandparents who love them and support their parents. Children don’t benefit from grandparents who don’t support their parents, no matter how much they love their grandchildren.

They didn’t care as they barely saw her anyway (not very involved and didn’t babysit etc)

I never really saw my paternal nan as a child, I was closer to my maternal nan. My dad's mum was a pretty awful woman & my dad would only see her at family gatherings organised by his sisters. I wasn't fussed tbh..

How old is your son?

He calls her Grumpy Granny because - even he has picked up that she is grumpy, snappy, etc.

He has just turned 8, he unfortunately he witnessed and heard things tonight when I collected him from her that he shouldn't have heard and he was in pieces.

My mother’s mum was very narcissistic, stuck in her ways, couldn’t be told otherwise.. and I chose as a child (12/13 years old) to cut contact and it was one of the best things I’ve ever done.

Your most important job is to protect your child. It sounds like a really upsetting time for both of you and the right time to make a break from her.

He needs a happy healthy mum far more than a grandparent who makes you both unhappy. You’re doing the right thing.

You need to remove him from the toxic environment.

I went NC with my Narc DM when my dc were 1 and 5... Dc5 was close to my dm but she adapted really well actually and I explained as best I could that we couldn't see her anymore

Dm took me to court to try and gain half custody of my dc5 (not the 1 year old because she never liked him anyway) and luckily the court sided with me. She must have enjoyed bringing out her long list of everything she's done for me

I went nc with my dad 14 years ago when the kids were 6 and 9. It has made no difference to them at all. I explained that he bullied me and I had decided I didn't want to see him again. They asked a few questions and never mentioned it again.

I cut contact with my mother because she made it clear that she did not like my children. She could do that to me but not to them. I never regretted it and my children knew even from a very early age that 'Granny' was not a nice lady.
They know she was not a nice person, and I am ashamed that I ever let her in their lives at all. They just think she was odd and still talk about her now and again saying how horrible she was to them. No loss at all

Absolutely fine, my little one hated going to their house so is pleased he no longer has to bother.

They forget them very quickly. My DC were very close to my DM before she died, I know it is not the same circumstances but similar reactions they're 12 and 6.
As long as you are there that is what matters, do it save your DC from becoming a victim.

Thank you for all your replies. Unfortunately my little boy still cries for his Granddad who passed 4 years ago, and my heartbreaks that he can't have a relationship with a grandparent like I did.

I sent an email to mum this morning advising I wanted a break in our relationship and that may be we reach out for professional help if we want our relationship to move forward.

She has tried to call, message and even turned up at the house this morning.

FOG is about right - Fear, Obligated and Guilt - F**K I have had a crappy 5 years - and this is about the cherry on the top

@LoopTheLoops

They didn’t care as they barely saw her anyway (not very involved and didn’t babysit etc)

This too. Our two were practically ignored even at GPs' house. They haven't seen the DCs for over half their lives now and I doubt they'd recognise them on the street. DCs still remember how they never did anything with them unlike my parents who do loads (and live hours away).

My narcissistic mother tried to play dts off against one another the way she did my sister and me. They were just plain relieved when I put a stop to it.

I wish my mum had cut contact with her parents OP. I never really saw paternal side of the family(still don't) so probably wouldn't have thought too much of not seeing maternal either, but by 8 I would have understood if mum had just said she didn't want to see them again. They messed her up and I'm quite resentful and angry she didn't remove and protect me from the situation to be honest, I shouldn't have been exposed to all that toxicity.

My parents were NC with my paternal GPs when I was a child. They dipped in and out of our lives when it suited them and my parents decided NC was better for us as a family after a series of family arguments.

In my teens they re-established the relationship with boundaries. They were still selfish and flaky but I knew that it wasn’t because of anything we had done.

I did not miss GPs in the intervening years but I’m glad that I got to know them when I was older when I was better equipped to see their good and bad qualities. I actually had a good relationship with them both as an adult.