So annoyed with my parents

[TerracottaTerrapin]

I just had a baby and my parents are staying "to help" for two weeks now DH is back at work. It's only little things but they're driving me barmy and I need to moan.

Anyway, yesterday I did my first outing with the baby - just coffee and lunch but it was so stressful. Partly because I'm trying to breastfeed so I'm leaking everywhere and still getting the hang of it. There was lots of screaming from ds and a few tears from me.

Crap night's sleep (obviously). Then when I see my dad on the stairs he immediately asks "so what's the plan for today then". I was a bit taken aback by that so just said "err nothing, I'm tired" and he stomped off! I think this is probably the straw that broke the camels back but seriously, I've got a new baby and two lazy house guests. I'm not planning outings on top of that!

Whilst it’s lovely for them to help now DH back at work, are they actually helping you in anyway?
Your recovering, getting used to your new baby, there’s going to be plenty of days you just need to chill, you can’t be out and about on the go all the time.
Do they need to stay over? Do they love far away?
My mum used to come daily first couple of weeks but I would of found it too much to stay over for 2 weeks.

I love my parents but them staying for 2 weeks whilst dealing with a newborn sounds like hell. You either need to tell them practically what help you need or tell them you’ve got it from here and pack them off home.

My mum planned to stay with me for 2 weeks after my DS was born. I sent her home after the first night. Sometimes it’s just easier to get on with things yourself and just arrange the odd day or lunch with people who want to “help”

Good luck, OP. I’m sure you and your son will settle into a lovely routine soon enough :)

@Moonshine11

Whilst it’s lovely for them to help now DH back at work, are they actually helping you in anyway? Your recovering, getting used to your new baby, there’s going to be plenty of days you just need to chill, you can’t be out and about on the go all the time. Do they need to stay over? Do they love far away? My mum used to come daily first couple of weeks but I would of found it too much to stay over for 2 weeks.

They live too far away to do this 😩 the idea of my mum coming round every day but not staying the whole day would be perfect. They're worse when they're together tbh. Like when we're sat eating they'll talk soooo quietly to each other I have to keep asking them to repeat what they're saying. I just want to be included in the conversation!

I woulda so then to go home (in a nice way). Just say you would like time to yourself now to bond with the baby etc.

It's difficult to say, was he maybe asking what your plans were so they knew what you had in mind? If you'd been wanting to go out again or stay at home or if there is anything in particular you wanted them to do?

Everyone has different ideas of what helping is. My parents were great, but did need specific instructions, "Mum, can you please organise dinner?" "Dad, can you hold the baby for a bit while I go have a shower."

It drove my sister crazy when she had her DC because she wanted them to think for themselves (but they didn't do that especially with her because she's the type who will then be annoyed that whatever they've suggested/done isn't exactly what she would have done/needed).

But me and Dh found it quite soothing to be able to look around, realise we needed X and just ask for it.

Also, my Dad after my c section was brilliant as if I did want to get out for a bit, he'd be rushing around getting me drinks, suggesting we stop at a cafe, insisting on pushing the pram (I'd had a c section) etc. Which made trips out quite easy.

Finally, I don't think it's worth leaving the house (with the possible exception of going to a friend/family member's house) until you've got BF under control or are using bottles. It just adds so much pressure on you and the baby in a public place.

Triffid1 I think you might have hit the nail on the head, do they need specific instructions of how to help?

I stayed for five days after my SiL went back to work. I made tea throughout the day, did the washing and ironing, sandwiches and light meals, did some housework and watched the baby for a bit whilst my daughter slept. I took her to a couple of appointments and got some shopping in.

It didn’t seem as though I did much, but I hope it helped. I’m not a cook, so there were some prick and ping evening meals I’m afraid.

Just encourage them to go for days out by themselves.

@Foxyloxy1plus1

I stayed for five days after my SiL went back to work. I made tea throughout the day, did the washing and ironing, sandwiches and light meals, did some housework and watched the baby for a bit whilst my daughter slept. I took her to a couple of appointments and got some shopping in.

It didn’t seem as though I did much, but I hope it helped. I’m not a cook, so there were some prick and ping evening meals I’m afraid.

It might not feel like you did much but I live 300 miles away from my mum and had my baby in lockdown so she couldn't come up and I would have given my right arm to have someone do for me what you did. You sound like a godsend.

Foxyloxy1plus1 that sounds lovely. I feel so bad for people who had babies in the first wave and didn't get any help.

I agree with the above, obviously you know him better than we do but perhaps he was asking for 'directions' as opposed to a trip to the botanical gardens.

Don't worry about meeting up yet, get them to come to you until you get the breast feeding under control.

Give you parents specific duties - shopping, preparing dinner, getting rid of any recycling, taking stuff to the dump. Putting a wash on, light gardening etc. Maybe taking the baby out for a walk whilst you have a shower and a nap.

Yes I think they need specific instructions. I just feel a bit awkward asking them.

I agree give them jobs. Explain you need to get bf well established which means a relaxing (tongue in cheek) few weeks at home. You really appreciate help with practical jobs a, b, c, d, but they are not to feel they need to stay in with you all day, when there are lovely local trips to a, b, c, that they would just love. Create shopping lists etc.

Oh goodness, I remember trying to breastfeed in public in the early days.

I was told I would be able to subtly whip it out and no one would bat an eyelid or even notice. Instead, DC was terrible at latching and used to scream his little head off so I'd have the whole restaurant looking at me . It gets easier.

My parents were very helpful in the early days but they're both fairly self-sufficient (my father just watches TV or disappears out to cafes if he's bored) and my DM likes managing things so no one expected me to do anything. Can you send them out for lunch and ask them to pick up stuff for dinner on their way back?

Oh god this is very familiar!

We live overseas and my mum came to 'help out' when DS1 was born. In reality, it just meant dealing with a new baby and a house guest at the same time.

All I wanted to do was lie on the sofa with my leaky boobs hanging out and I ended up having to plan 'proper' dinners, wonder where the clean towels where, is the fridge stocked with her favourite drink, how am I going to keep her entertained tomorrow etc.. She didn't seem to realise that something as simple as taking charge of dinner would be REALLY helpful.

I managed to put her off coming when DC2 was born until he was around 7 or 8 weeks old, and by then I felt much better equipped to deal with her.

Am hoping to push it to 12 weeks with DC3!

Why do you feel awkward OP? Are you not particularly close?

Ah, is that the type of “helping” my family offered, which meant Mum sitting blissfully holding the baby while I ran around doing everything and waiting on them too?

When I suggested things they could do that would actually help, the reply was a snort - they never intended to help at all.

If your parents just need to be asked specifically to do things, fair enough. If they don’t really want to help and see themselves as visitors to be entertained by you, they need to go. Parents seem to forget just how exhausted and frazzled you are when you have a new baby.

Definitely ask them - Dad - I would normally get the grass cut now - would you be able to?
Dad I'm shattered and need a nap - any chance you could hold the baby for half an hour. If he cries please wake me up?
Mum - I really need a shower - can you pop baby in pram and walk around the block.
Baby needs feeding but I was going to start dinner - would one of you mind peeling the potatoes and washing the veg..... etc etc

If you really have had enough - mum and dad - I'm so grateful for your help. I love having you here. I think little one is going to sleep for a couple of hours now - would you like to pop and do XYZ before helping me with ABC?

@Mumdiva99 I think offers useful and practical advice. Of course, if your parents really are just there to have fun cuddles with baby and a bit of a holiday, that's different. But if they genuinely want to help, a bit of direction is great.

We benefited from having other family nearby as well so I didn't have mum (from birth) and Dad (from a bit later) around constantly, so that is also a good suggestion - feel free to send them out for some sightseeing, or to see other people or, if necessary, to do some chores so you get a bit of quiet time at home call your best friend to rant