Boundaries

[CakeQueen2021]

I need some honest opinions...
My husband and I have two children (currently on Matt leave with our second).

My history with my parents is a bit challenging, there was some emotional abuse at home years ago and both my parents suffered with MH challenges due to some unforeseen family tragedies.

Years have past since then and our relationship has improved a lot (especially since I had children).

The only issue that seems to keep cropping up is when they are in our company, they tend to over analysis our conversations and pick apart innocent things we say.

The most recent being a comment my husband made when he was on the phone to a restaurant making a reservation for a meal for when his parents came to visit.
A day or so earlier I had mentioned that I was now on SMP only and things were a little tight financially but that's to be expected on Matt leave ect (in general conversation with my mum).

Today, my mum calls me and unloads a tonne of frustration about how my husband is selfish for wanting to book a meal out when 'we apparently don't have any money) -
I didn't say to her we didn't have any money, I said things were a bit tight.
The meal was £50 so not massively expensive.

They have helped us out in recent years financially (when our oven, washing machine and microwave all broke within 3 days), and most recently when our youngest child had a skin condition that the NHS was struggling to get under control (they kindly offered us the money to see a private consultant which we reluctantly accepted as we were desperate to help him).

Today's phone call got heated and they were really going into detail about decisions we had made (based on conversations they had either heard or been a part of whilst with us, mostly in our home).
They've torn my husband apart and called home sefish for watching the football today with his friend (I had no problem with this as he has been shielding due to Covid for most of the last year), they told me I should be unhappy in my marriage as it's not equal (it is equal, my husband is a hands on father to our children, he's one of the most easy going people I know, he'll get involved in cooking, cleaning and house admin ect, takes our daughter to her dance classes).

Anyway, they done this a couple of times before and my husband has just ignored it and carried on to avoid a massive family row.
Well today, he's furious and has had enough.
He's said that he should be able to speak freely in his own home without having everything he says picked over and anylised and then to has his character assassinated.
He feels like my parents are trying to drive a wedge between me and him.

I've told my parents how strongly he feels about what's happened and they've started using the money they gave us against us.
Claiming that whatever they give or do for us isn't enough, and that we're always painting them in a bad light.
My Dad has now decided that he won't come into my house anymore and my mum has told me that if I stop her from seeing our children, 'then there won't be any money or help'. I never once said anything about them not seeing the children, I would never use them as a weapon like that and I don't agree that the issue should ever have been raised at all as it was completely irrelevant to the argument.

I guess I'm just trying to understand if this is a normal family dynamic and something that a lot of people deal with, or is it a bit out of line for my parents to have such strong opinions about my marriage and finances?

Am I wrong for expecting there to be some boundaries here.

From now on, I will just have to cut the conversation short when one of these things start, the whole process is emotionally exhausting!

Which is why eventually you'll realise that to take care of you, you need to go NC.

Your mum is financially abusive. She has no say in how you spent your money or to go through your paperwork for information.

Of course you have/had no boundaries, parents brought you up to have none because it suited/suits them that way. Can't control someone who has strong boundaries.

So what's that now? Financial abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse. So far, from what you've posted. There could be more types.

Suddenly launching into a huge dramatic conversation / argument about you threatening to withhold contact with their precious grandchildren despite that never once crossing your mind - check! My mum did this and I spent weeks devastated trying to work out what I had done wrong to make her feel that way.. answer.. nothing, narcs are obsessed with power and control and use children as bargaining chips.. they assume everyone is the same way!

Classic narc abuse.

If you can afford to pay them back, don't wait for them to "accept". Just send the money and have done with it.

Cut them off completely

Everyone here is telling you what’s going on here and slowly you’re realising what they say is true

You can’t have a narcissist in your life, they destroy all they come into contact with

They are nice to your kids NOW, that won’t last, they’re going to use them as weapons, like they use everything else against you

You WILL have to phase them out of your lives, eventually completely, they will poison your kids life, they will get under your skin, under your H and they won’t stop until they run your life.

I know how hard this is, but prepare yourself now for what must come.

@CakeQueen2021
In your experience, did you find there would be gaps of time where little or no conflict occurred and then it would come out of the blue?
With my parents, it's not constant but I can feel that things are being spoken about behind our backs.

Growing up I thought my mum could do no wrong. It would break my heart to upset her, not because I was scared of the consequences at the time, but because in my mind she was all giving, never receiving (that's what she always told us) and selfless... I wanted to defend her all the time. When I met my dh I finally experienced a healthy relationship and she hated him with a passion. But it gave me the courage to finally go against her control. I never expected to be cut out but I was and by the whole family too because they're also afraid of being cut off too.

So yeah, up until I realised what was going on I thought my mum was wonderful and that our relationship was wonderful but actually I was just towing her line and keeping the beast happy

@AmberIsACertainty

You should defend your husband not by words by shutting your parents down every time they dis him. And don't tell him anything they've said about him, he doesn't need to hear it. Sounds like you let them give you shit about your marriage then you look to him for support, offloading onto the person they're giving you shit about and telling him all the details. It's not on. Have DP's back like he'd have yours and tell parents to jog on. Otherwise you're being disrespectful towards DP too.

Your parents are dicks. They're being off with money so don't take any off them ever again, even if they pressed it into your hand say No, put it in an envelope and post it back if they won't take it back in person. Don't give them anything to hold over you. No favours, no help. Say No and struggle if you have to, anything except help from them. And yeh I would stop contact with your children and your parents. They're toxic and the DC shouldn't be around that.

^This is excellent advice.

In fact, as I was reading it, I thought about how that probably sums up how these dynamics work in families that aren’t as deeply dysfunctional.

It’s not unusual for dps to pick up on small things that their dil/sil says it does and it can come from a place of concern. Often the problem in toxic families is that it can be very hard to identify exactly what’s off - it’s usually in the intensity or tenacity rather than in the precise behaviour. It’s very hard, particularly when it’s happening, to know exactly where the over step is.

Focusing on your responses, boundaries and reactions is where you can make change.
What Amber has advised is excellent. And in a normal dynamic a parent would be satisfied by that response.

One of the problems with dysfunctional behaviours is that we tend to meet it with a dysfunctional response.

A really powerful tool that’s worth practising is silence. You don’t need to respond to everything, you don’t need to answer every question. The last word is not important. The less you say, the more power you have. It’s very hard to manipulate someone when you don’t know what they’re thinking.

People will often fill the silence if you don’t and instead of having to deal with the back and forth argument, they wear themselves out. I do this with a particular family member - I’ll even ask them if they have anything else to say when they run out of steam and then say “thank you for telling me” or “I’ll think about that”