My self esteem is down the toilet, anyone else's?

[Onewayoranother88]

I am starting therapy sessions tomorrow so I hope this will help me.
I have a partner of a year who I live with and I don't want him to think I'm not worth the hassle, too much like hard work etc.

I don't know why it is, I have a rewarding job which I enjoy, 2 jobs in fact, I'm a kind person I think, attractive, great family, I haven't got tons of friends but a small number of nice ones, I'm intelligent I think and have various hobbies.

I can't work out why my self esteem is so low. I had some had incidents in the past as do many people, abusive relationships and bullying, but i just need to get over it really don't I?

I need to believe that I'm great and just as important or worthy as anybody else, and no lesser than anybody just because I'm quiet and shy.

Why can't I just feel and be confident? Why can't I stop thinking that people don't like me just because they don't reply to messages etc ?

Can anybody share whether therapy helped for them and if they overcame this? Thanks

It's hard to "just be confident".

I think you can accept yourself insecurities and all first. Before you want to me more confident, more resilient, less anxious et cetera, pause and allow yourself to feel some anxieties. Life is challenging imo
Be kind to yourself and accept yourself for where you are right now. That doesnt mean that you're not open to growth! Just means you're going to accept yourself shortcomings and all.

Im in therapy once a fortnight and it's been good for me. I hope yours goes well. Xx

I had some had incidents in the past as do many people, abusive relationships and bullying, but i just need to get over it really don't I?

Does being so harsh on yourself make you feel better? Does it build you up? Make you feel like you deserve compassion and care?

People don't "just get over" things like abuse. It takes time, compassion, patience and work to adjust the way you think, talk to yourself and treat yourself. It takes practise to in order to get used to treating yourself differently and thinking differently.

Therapy absolutely can help you to change things. It won't happen overnight and will take commitment from you, but it absolutely can change for the better.

There are resources if you Google "cci self esteem" based on CBT that the NHS often uses, they might help you as you start preparing to tackle this. Understanding why you feel the way you do and how your brain works is the first step to changing things - knowledge is power.

Do you mentally talk to yourself?

I have worked at creating an inner voice that’s positive, I keep giving myself positive feedback (how I handled something at work, challenges, how I am with friends, how I look) and it has now become a habit and it really can boost me

I get down days too, but I accept that and tell myself I am allowed a down day like everyone else

It was a friend who once told me to cultivate an inner voice that looks at you like a very good friend would . One that thinks you are great company but also is sympathetic when you’re not feeling great

I had abusive relationships too op and always held myself to a high bar. Eg, i need to get over this, i need to be resilient, i need to get this done, i need to control my emotions. Any deviation from what i saw as a basic minimum level of "life" and I was so hard on myself, berating myself.

But in the last year my psychotherapist has made me understand that what i needed was to be kinder to myself.

At first i felt so deeply uncomfortable when she said that. Like it was giving myself permission to fail at everything. But i get it now and i hope you can channel a bit of this too. Be kinder to yourself. Accept your insecurities. I think self acceptance for who you are, strengths and weaknesses, is the solid base you need beneath you before you can start becoming more resilient or confident or whatever you feel you ought to be.

I think why abuse is different from bad behaviour is that it conditions you to step outside of your own needs and feelings to preemptively worry about another's, and it does this so eddectivdly that you are left not even knowing how to tune into your own needs. It also means when you feel discomfort or anxiety etc, you jump into trying to manage how you think the other is thinking and feeling to cause this in you, rather than identifying what has made you uncomfortable and how you might address or end this situation. So again, you are out of your own sense of yourself. All of which means:
(1) you constantly treat yourself like you come second to everyone else, and that leaves you with a sense of low self esteem
(2) you can just stop theses defense mechanisms coming into play, just by getting out of the abusive situation

Thanks for the advice. I have no idea why I constantly see myself as inferior to others, I wish I didn't.
I like the idea of accepting my insecurities. We all have them, I seem to have told myself that most people have zero insecurities whatsoever but I'm sure that is wrong.

Everyone is insecure about something

Because we all have flaws