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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have snapped at him about his ex twice

27 replies

XChocolate1cheesecake · 13/06/2021 14:19

Just got out of the most bizarre romantic connection. Really liked the guy but he was stuck in the past when we first met. I kinda shrugged it off. He had been single for two years and he had tried to commit suicide and text this ex after his overdose. So I could see things got rough for him.

When we first started dating he told me about "Amy". Amy was still his friend. She popped in for coffee or food sometimes. He asked me if that made me jealous as it would proove I liked him! I was really put off by that comment but I let it go and hoped he was just abit clueless.

As time went on. Amy came up for various reasons. It seemed alot of the things he wanted to do with me were repeats of their relationship. Then he bought me nail varnish and it was the colour she had in alot of their holiday photos. I noticed he had her pictures up in his new house. I questioned him on how over her he was. He batted it off. He would never go back there. She was a good friend now. I requested he took the pictures of them gazing at eachother down.

We had a temp seperation in January. The pictures were back up when we sorted things.i rolled my eyes. He would tell me things they did together in the past. Then one particular night he was telling me he realised he never really liked her and he never ever fancied her. He then went on to tell me how she would go away with friends without him.sex toys were bought. She was acting weird when she returned etc. I said to him well maybe it's time she moved on now and met someone else and left you alone. With that he got defensive. She was like his "little sister".he nearly called me her surname on the phone once not long ago too. She sends him her Tik tok videos with her niece. (She's 38 and he's 47 for reference)

We split up and I was contacted by a woman who had also dated him just as him and Amy came to an end. She told me how he was still trying to stay with any. He messed her around big time and he had actually cheated on amy with this woman. This was the final straw for Amy and they split at this point. After he moved out in 2019 they have continued this "friendship"

When I confronted him about this other lady he went mad down the phone. Denied he had ever cheated. Amy told this woman she was always catching him out. His manly urges had wrecked them. he Said to me he was calling his ex as there was no way she had spoken to this woman. Within ten minutes he told me his ex had told him everything and me and the other lady were made out to be liars. Everything the ex told us was ignored.he refused to believe it. I told him to get some therapy because his running to his ex every five minutes was not normal and it was unhealthy and destroying any new relationship opportunities.

We didn't speak for two months. He got in touch to ask how I was. We did not start up again but stayed chatty for a few weeks. But on the second week be brought the ex up. To tell me she had done research into coronavirus vaccines. The next day he brought her up again for a funny memory. The third day he was telling me about her bracelet he filled with charms for her and wanted to get my an ankle version?? Then he accidently called her his misses and quickly said ex misses to me after. He then asked for a catch up. We never had one because I found out he was having sex with someone he had met online recently and it had fizzled out. But he lied and said he hadn't met anyone. So I got cross with him and told him to get out of my life. I then told him I was sick of him banging on about his ex and she was clearly the only woman he wanted. I told him it was unattractive and a massive turn off. He started yelling in defence. I blocked him on every platform and I'm now moving on with my life.

But now I'm thinking am i cruel to have said things when he tried to kill himself last year. Id hate to push him towards that again. But he treats women appallingly because he's stuck in the past.

OP posts:
Sorehandsandfeet · 13/06/2021 14:24

Stay far out of this situation. You don't need this hassle. He is not worth the headspace.

Namechangedlady · 13/06/2021 14:27

Is he American by any chance?

Whyhello · 13/06/2021 14:28

Just block him and move on, he sounds unhinged.

blubberyboo · 13/06/2021 14:30

I am exhausted just reading this,
It is not a healthy relationship for you and he will not change

FeatheredHope · 13/06/2021 14:30

Have you posted about this before? It’s sounding very familiar.

MournfulTromboneNoise · 13/06/2021 14:30

He's gonna try and wear your skin and pretend to be the ex.

DoNotEat · 13/06/2021 14:30

That was exhausting to read so who knows how you've blundered on with this weird relationship.

I'd have managed about 5mins of that shit.
His mental health is not your concern.

Forget him. Look for adult men.

TwoAndAnOnion · 13/06/2021 14:30

He asked me if that made me jealous as it would proove I liked him!

I really thought he was 12 until you typed 47

XChocolate1cheesecake · 13/06/2021 14:31

I posted about it possibly back in January yes! With the pictures.

I'm moving on but fearing I've damaged his mental health. It's just too much now and I've had enough of his issues.

OP posts:
username0489 · 13/06/2021 14:31

OP the problem here isn't him, it's you. Why the fuck are you thinking of going back to this waste of space? Why is your bar so very low? Where is your self respect?

Merryoldgoat · 13/06/2021 14:32

That’s a lot of text for ‘I was involved with a wanker but I’m not anymore’

XChocolate1cheesecake · 13/06/2021 14:34

@TwoAndAnOnion

I've honestly never met anyone like it. He is definitely a mess! It took me a while to realise he wasn't going to move on. I hoped he would finding a new relationship. But I've learned he actually has always had long term relationships but needed other women to want him too. So I think he never wanted to loose amy. She was special but she still wasn't enough to change that side of him.

I think he hates himself but can't change.

OP posts:
sbhydrogen · 13/06/2021 14:34

What have I just read? Oh boy, you've given way too much of your time to this man. I would have walked long ago. Keep him blocked, that sounds like the best plan!

XChocolate1cheesecake · 13/06/2021 14:35

@username0489
I'm not going back to him! I'm feeling guilty for being horrible and shouting at him because he tried to kill himself over the state of his life a year ago. Pretty sure it was about loosing Amy! But I couldn't stop myself.

OP posts:
Chikapu · 13/06/2021 14:41

Stop beating yourself up, he's responsible for his own issues and has probably moved on to some other poor woman he's hoping to turn into a clone of 'Amy'.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/06/2021 14:41

I would have ditched him as soon as he made the ‘I hope you’re jealous; that means you love me’ comment. When the loon alarm sounds, listen and run for safety.

premium77 · 13/06/2021 14:45

Oh, you again.

Biffbaff · 13/06/2021 14:48

He's a nutjob. His suicide attempt sounds like a manipulation tactic. It's not that hard to kill yourself if you really want to is it.

Sn0tnose · 13/06/2021 14:50

I'm feeling guilty for being horrible and shouting at him because he tried to kill himself over the state of his life a year ago. Pretty sure it was about loosing Amy! But I couldn't stop myself.

So you’re supposed to provide a friendly ear for his old rubbish forever more, just in case he tops himself? Keep him blocked and forget about him. He’s a headfuck and you, Amy and the other ex are all best off out of it.

username0489 · 13/06/2021 14:58

[quote XChocolate1cheesecake]@username0489
I'm not going back to him! I'm feeling guilty for being horrible and shouting at him because he tried to kill himself over the state of his life a year ago. Pretty sure it was about loosing Amy! But I couldn't stop myself.[/quote]
OP it sounded like you were worried about his state of mental health and wanted to get in contact with him. I apologise as you are obviously upset and I didn't mean to upset you further.

OP in the kindest possible way, you need to move on. You need to work out why you have given this man all your time, energy and headspace. Why you don't think you deserve any better than this and why you're not angry at him for the way he's been treating you.

If he has mental health problems then it's on him to contact his GP and ask for help. Do what you can to put him behind you and move on. Keep him blocked and spend some time reflecting on why you accepted such bad treatment for so long. I wish you all the best OP.

1forAll74 · 13/06/2021 15:06

He seems to be causing his own mental health problems. as he has a very weird mindset about relationships,and needs to sort his head out,and stay away from women for a while. I would not feel sorry for him though, he should be able to deal with things in a better way in life.

FeatheredHope · 13/06/2021 15:54

I'm moving on but fearing I've damaged his mental health. It's just too much now and I've had enough of his issues.

OP, I mean this very kindly. You need some serious therapy. You are not moving on - your posts prove that. I cannot believe that months later you are still posting about this and we are still having to tell you to step far away and move on. It is clear that you need professional help with that. Please seek some.

Yokey · 14/06/2021 12:32

Feeling like a partner needs you is one of the reasons women stay with abusers who make them miserable. He may not be an abuser but he is bad news. He doesn't need you. You're not what he needs. You don't need to be nice to him, and you don't need to talk to or even acknowledge him.

I also agree with PP. Nobody who was over someone would write all that. I couldn't muster the fucks to write in detail about my exes no matter what shit happened. Leave him alone. No good will come of it. You can be happier than this so why waste any more life on it?

Anonymous48 · 14/06/2021 12:55

@Namechangedlady

Is he American by any chance?
WTF?
Catflapkitkat · 14/06/2021 14:57

I remember your other thread on this man and you were told then to walk away. Why are you in contact? You cannot be friends with this man - you cannot trust a single thing that comes out of his head. It's not up to you to fix him. He is a middle aged man that needs to seek his own help - WALK AWAY and DON'T LOOK BACK

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