Wedding woes

[Sunshinesusan60]

Due to get married on 20th August. Waiting to see what's said about freedom day and restrictions lifting. Confident that we should be able to go ahead by then. Our day ceremony is only 50 people but another 100 coming in the evening. However this has escalated a bit and I'm now getting concerned about the number of people who haven't RSVP but are still going to turn up! And I have a feeling some will bring partners even though it's not been specified on the invite, so we could go way over the numbers for the evening reception.

In other times I think venues would let this slide. It might just be a bit under catered. But I'm concerned with the covid issues that they will be super strict on numbers even at the evening, surely they wouldn't turn people away? Is anyone else experiencing similar worries? How are you policing it?

So you’ve basically invited more than 100 people?
But it’s ok cos you’ll only be 25% over the limits imposed?

I’m sorry OP but that’s ridiculous and very childish.

It's just very stressful not knowing. If people said sorry I can't come then I would be able to invite others in their place. As it stands I've gone over already so can't invite anyone else. But some of these people might not even turn up!

Exactly. I think it's perfectly fine to message everyone who was invited and just say that numbers are, for obvious reasons, tightly controlled by the venue, so unless you have had an RSVP by XXX date, from everyone who is planning to be there, they won't be able to come because you will have invited others on the list instead. Say you're sorry that this also means there can't be any uninvited plus ones. Personally, I would also put someone reliable on the door with a list and check people in. If you want, say it's for Covid reasons.

@TeenMinusTests

I would think people not RSVPing are those worried about the virus and just wanting to delay their decision.

I have to go to a wedding next month (assuming not completely cancelled if opening is delayed) and I'm worried enough about mixing with 30-60 people a number of whom won't be fully vaccinated.

Then say no. Don’t piss the bride and groom about.

Be careful op about even unlimited numbers. I'm in Scotland so appreciate it might be different but even with numbers of 100 or 200 it's only actually whatever the venue can allow at 2m social distancing so the capacity actually would be much much less than those numbers in most normal places.

If they drop social distancing then it'll be fine but if not you might have that to contend with too.

Still
If your comment was related to the wedding I am attending, as I said I have to go.

If related to the OP's guests, it depends on what their RSVP date is. Not unreasonable to delay answering until the last minute in the current situation.

@PacifyLulu what is childish about it? If restrictions are completely lifted as we've been led to believe they will, then there will no limit on numbers other than what the venue has advised.

Prior to covid evening receptions are not strictly policed. The numbers are more for a catering point of view. This is also a venue that will be open to the public and has an extensive outdoor area.

Frankly with so much else to plan and worry about I can't be arsed chasing people for RSVPs and reiterating that partners aren't included. You will always get people who won't bother to RSVP then just turn up if they fancy it. I just don't want any embarrassing situations where people aren't allowed in. Not sure what is childish about this at all

Having a basic grasp of your guestlist is pretty fundamental to wedding planning OP. How do you organise anything else if you don't know how many people are coming?

I say this as someone who's had to replan twice due to covid.

@bananaleaf2706 has it exactly.

There was no guarantee that restrictions would be lifted and planning includes considering the scenarios you don’t want as well as those you do.

If I were you I would order your guests in terms of priority so know who makes the 30 people cut, the 50, etc. Then you have to have some grown up conversations with people.

As for people not RSVPing and just turning up - I’m not sure who does that.

My daytime celebrations are planned and of course we know exactly who is coming to that part as I've had to submit meal choices and buy favours and so on. I'm confident that this part should go ahead without any trouble. There are only 50 people coming to the daytime.

It's the evening that concerns me and we should have an extra 100 arriving at 7pm. And believe me, I have asked people outright if they are coming and have had a lot of 'we will see nearer the time' or 'we will come if we're not on holiday' that sort of thing.

I guess there is no way to know right now what is going to happen with regards to numbers and restrictions being lifted. But I have been advised to plan as if the restrictions will be gone (as that's what we were originally advised would be the case) and reassess nearer the time if anything changes. Very stressful.

OP your guests are really rude! Can’t you tell them you need to know numbers and if they can’t commit to a yes then it has to be a no?

Honestly there are so many people to chase. I'm not even in direct contact with some of them as they are friends/family of DPs side who I don't even know!

I don't want to harangue people but I agree it's rude and stressful, my least favourite part of wedding planning for sure!

All in all we have gone over our numbers for the evening reception by about 20 which hopefully shouldn't be an issue as others maybe won't turn up. I would be mortified if there was a situation where people were refused entry, that's what's playing on my mind.

After the announcement I think I’d be speaking to the venue and getting their take on it.
Your soon to be DH needs to step up here too, or rope in his mum (you shouldn’t have to but just in case you do.....) to speak to his relatives. You really need to get a handle on the guest list so you’re not worrying about it on the day or having people turned away.

Yes good plan. I will wait and see what the announcement is tomorrow then speak to the venue again just to get their take on it.

Also sadly dp mum is no longer with us so dealing with a rather demanding FIL....

Op I hear you

We've had some rsvp and book a hotel immediately (not really needed as most are local) because they're excited / desperate for something to look forward to.

And others who've never responded/ are still deciding

We'll message everyone 2m if we're allowed people there with a deadline of Sunday to reply for our 16th july wedding.

If they've not replied by then I'll mesaage again to say numbers have gone in and that they won't be expected.

Not just COVID there are other regs too eg fire safety limitations.

You need to make clear to your guests they must rsvp if they are coming and not to bring extra uninvited people!

Also because it makes it more likely drunken revelry gets out of hand plus insurance clauses

I used to work in the industry - they WILL turn away people or even eject people if their venue/it's safety/insurance are at risk! This is their livelihood

A pub venue is likely to be strict as they won't want to risk losing their licence and they're being VERY closely monitored at the moment for COVID and other safety.violations

Prior to covid evening receptions are not strictly policed.

Where you getting that idea? That's not true

Not sure what is childish about this at all

Making assumptions about what will be allowed COVID wise - if anything we've learned the last year rules can often bring more restrictions last min, never the reverse

Not making the effort to check with the venue - risking their licence, possible large fine and ultimately their whole business/livelihood

Not caring that covid has NOT gone away large gatherings are still a risk

Inviting too many just because you want to...

Need I and others go on?

But I have been advised to plan as if the restrictions will be gone

By whom?! Irresponsible advice

Re dps side - then HE needs to get off his arse and chase them!

This is potentially a recipe for an evening reception getting out of hand!

I hated dealing with bridal couples who refused to acknowledge there were limits on numbers at venues and invited all and sundry, usually inc lairy friends who misbehaved and the venue then bore the brunt of their poor planning and then also poos behaviour up to and including criminal damage and assaults and police attendance. Yes I know that seems extreme but no bridal couple sets out to have the wedding from hell they just don't plan and think through invitees properly and then it all kicks off!

Evening guests in particular can often be drunk before arriving and be difficult to reason with.

Get this sorted BEFORE the day - much less stressful for you and less hassle for the venue

@Graphista I hear what you're saying. I've probably fallen into the trap of wanting to people please and therefore inviting more people than I should just so certain people don't feel left out.

FWIW the venue is a pub that will also be open to the public. I've been to a wedding there before and people do tend to wander, especially outside.

We were advised by the venue to plan as if it would go ahead until we hear any different from government. It's so stressful at this point and I really don't want people being turned away.

Venue are irresponsible advising that and I suspect did so as a way to get you to book a more expensive service.

People bemoan the cost of "proper" wedding venues but they tend to be much more experienced and know what they're doing.

People pleasing is tough with weddings, I was guilty of it myself with mine to a degree (I married before I worked in industry) but also I have a HUGE family which didn't help and I am very close to them. I couldn't have imagined not inviting my cousins who were basically like siblings for example - problem being parents are from big families, dad one of 5 mum one of 6! So LOTS of cousins

150 at the chapel, same again extra at the evening reception BUT We knew it was gonna be big and booked venue accordingly and of course as over 25 years ago no COVID.

What was weird is my ex is NOT from a big family so in order for it not to look weird we did away with "grooms side brides side" in the chapel. And had it that the immediate family only on "correct" sides and the rest shared out.

It's a tricky time for the wedding industry, it's been hit hard economically by COVID, Brexit etc so is wanting to make money, but it also needs to be responsible and not fall foul of COVID regs and get fined which would cancel our the making money part!

@Graphista I genuinely remember going to a golf club wedding one time where they went over the numbers by about 150 during the evening. People just kept turning up. The venue weren't impressed but they didn't stop anyone coming in. I suppose pre covid you wouldn't really have someone counting.

It's just an additional worry that would be removed by people responding properly. Really isn't very courteous of them.

The lack of basic manners these days is SHOCKING.

Manners are not useless, they allow things to run smoothly and people to know where they stand

Why are you letting people that haven't even got the common courtesy to rsvp, come?

Venues will always have a limit on numbers due to fire regulations.
They can also be fined for beaching these too.
Get you guests to make a commitment.

If the venue have told you a maximum of 150 it will be enforced. I've closed down a whole reception when (after myself and the caretaker left) they let in 50+ more. I returned 90 mins later from a meeting and realised, when they refused to reduce the numbers I turned off the electrical supply to cut the music. They were seriously annoyed but my licence as a venue is at stake (just because it's a hall, it's not a soft touch)