How do you get over pangs of jealousy

[Peppermint1288]

I know if somebody wants to cheat they will, you can be the best partner possible and they will still cheat if they want to.
I've been cheated on a couple of times before and it's awful, but it was their problem not mine.

I've been with my partner for a year and live together, he's great and no reason not to trust him.
I wasn't having a great day for other reasons, and he's started a new job recently and has mentioned a girl who works there a few times. He says she's the only one he gets on with well and it sounds like they tease each other a bit and stuff.

I'm sure there's nothing in it but today I tried to hide it but pangs of jealousy just took over.

I've never really been like this before with him, there was an issue a few months back with him talking constantly about an ex but that was resolved.

I was trying my best to hide it but he was getting annoyed and saying my body language was negative, so I told him how I felt and then stuff about the past.

He seemed understanding but then later tonight was cold with me. I apologised for what had happened and he became quite annoyed at me for not telling him asap. Sometimes I admit I try to just forget things and don't want to say them right away.

He then asked if I would have felt that way were it a male colleague, then compared me to his 'jealous ex" which was hurtful.

Fwiw I have never been like that before. He seems to have a couple of female friends though they do seem a bit flaky and not that bothered about meeting him. I've always been invited along and never in a million years would I expect him to stop seeing anyone.

I just had a stupid moment over a new person but I'm only human I think. I told him I would not mention it again and I had a stern word with myself this afternoon.

Does anyone else ever get stupid feelings like that? How do you make them go away?

Jealousy is a very destructive emotion. The bottom line is, you're either a person who suffers with jealous emotions or you're not.
The thing that is really difficult is that no matter what advice or experiences people share, they're not you! They don't know you're partner, and they are only getting the details from your perspective.
You haven't been with your partner very long, and you're still finding out an awful lot about each other... Somethings you'll like, and something's you won't.
If you've raised your feelings with him, and he's given you a response, it's really down to you from that point.
He's going to have had a past, ex's, experiences and he's going to work with people.
It all boils down to you either trust him or you don't. Not all relationships last a lifetime, but it's you he's chosen to be with, and it's you he's with now.

Thanks for your reply. You're right, we haven't been together that long, i think I was surprised today as I haven't seen him like that before.
He was annoyed at me for not telling him asap yet he did the exact same thing.
Indeed, we all have exes, a past etc.
It happened with my ex, a female colleague at work that he grew closer with over a few months then he got with her, yet I know that doesn't mean my partner would ever do that.
Indeed I need to just remember I trust him, I cannot control anything he does or thinks and i just have to remember to keep myself in line.

Tell him about the guy up the road who really gets you.. and its nice to chat to someone who you can have a laugh with... 🤣

If you haven't been acting jealously in the past, I think he should be more understanding of some occasional, mild insecurity. You haven't been badgering or stalking him, so I think he's over-reacting a bit by immediately comparing you to his jealous ex.

Obviously you wouldn't have felt insecure or jealous if he was mentioning a male colleague, because (I assume) he's not romantically interested in men, so a man wouldn't be a "threat" in the same way as a woman could be.

Now that he knows about your history, I'd hope he would be understanding and reassuring, and you can work on reminding yourself that he is not your ex (and apparently is particularly sensitive to jealousy because of his own ex).

Some feelings of jealousy are normal, though, imo. It's how/whether you act on them that matters.

Imagine he died? Would the aggravation and sadness wasting time in the days prior be worthwhile, extreme I know.
You'll shut him down, tbh it's easy to spot a guy whose under control. My OH has a great bond with a female friend in work, doesn't bother me in the slightest.
I use to be jealous in past relationships it was horrendous, 15 years with OH I'm secure.

You'll shut him down, tbh it's easy to spot a guy whose under control
Eh?
Just try reversing that.

He's clearly sensitive to jealousy over his ex and i felt that it was harsh to compare me to her. Apparently she told him he wasn't allowed to see female friends and asked him to send photos to prove he wasn't cheating on her. That's abusive behaviour and I've done nothing of the sort.

I agree that some jealousy is totally normal and we know we cannot control other people.

Bump

I have a male colleague at work and we tease one another and we also would shag if we got the chance.

I feel like a complete idiot, I have no idea what came over me and it was like it was a different person.

So he gets mentionitis about a girl at work and then manipulates you into apologising to him? 🚩

I dunno OP. He seems to be the root cause here. His previous ex was 'crazy and jealous' and now you're behaving in ways that aren't normal for you. It sounds more like he's deliberately winding you up with talking about these women then turning it on you when you react.

Talking about crazy exs is a red flag for a reason - it's often a tool used by manipulative guys to get a new woman to behave in a certain way so they're 'not like the ex'. Also a handy narrative to explain why he was the victim and it wasn't his fault they split (even when it really really was).

I'd just be a little wary if you're reacting in ways you don't normally and can't figure out why, it may well not actually be you at all. Some men are headwreckers and will tie you up in knots till you genuinely feel like it's your fault for being jealous when he's behaving like a dog.

I agree with curiouslypacific. All of that post.

I obviously don’t know either of you but he’s been talking nonstop about an ex, now he’s talking nonstop about a colleague. It sounds like his trying to make you jealous. Then he is getting angry when you get jealous. Sounds manipulative.

On the other hand if you were obviously giving him the silent treatment or being really stroppy then I think his opinion was valid.

He hasn't mentioned this girl constantly, a few times but I guess it just seemed like he tells her more personal stuff than he does to the others.
But there's nothing at all wrong with that.
I wasn't giving him the silent treatment, I was having a bad day and just feeling pretty down in general because of things with 1-2 friends lately.
And that morning I had talked to him about a friend who's constantly breaking up with her boyfriend and he said "Maybe we should do that, at least life would be a bit more exciting then "

I'm sure it was just a clumsy joke but it did make me wonder.

I said something like anybody who's more into somebody else (like my exes) should just get with them, unfortunately he took this to mean him and he was furious.

I hope we can sort it out.

He was going to meet up with another old female friend last week and I was encouraging him, but for some reason she was a bit flaky on him. I'm really not that sort of person usually.

I said something like anybody who's more into somebody else (like my exes) should just get with them, unfortunately he took this to mean him and he was furious. so you didn’t actually even mention his colleague, or his other friends? This is really, really not on op.

Its not you its him. Hes manipulating you and the situation. Trust your gut op. Hes waving red flags galore here.

From what you have written, he is manipulative. He doesn't seem that pleasant to you either. Manipulation is not a minor trait. It creates havoc in relationships. Please be a lot more wary of him and a lot more certain of yourself.

This new staff member has been friendly, I'd be happy someone is trying to help him feel comfortable in his new job, as his ex was jealous and insecure he now knows he is in a similar situation, probably counting red flags. Back down.

The way you have written about yourself is ringing alarm bells massively for me.
I honestly think he is manipulating you... look how you are dismissing your feelings as stupid and excusing how you felt due to a bad day etc etc, blaming anything but his behaviour.
He knows what he is doing. Trust yourself and your instincts more and stop allowing him to make you feel like this.
If you are feeling jealous there’s probably good reason.... women need to listen to themselves more and stop letting men tell us how we should be feeling about their crappy behaviour.
If it was totally innocent then you probably wouldn’t be getting these vibes.
Don’t let him start fucking your head up.

Yep agree OP, seems like you are trying to suppress your gut feelings about him ...

Was just going to say the same thing as above.
I don’t think you need your feelings to go away, that is your gut instinct trying to tell you something.