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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To accompany ds on playdate

13 replies

Furiousfive · 12/06/2021 18:08

Ds aged 8 has been invited to play at a new friend's house. He has ADHD and is being investigated for autism, and can get very ott and silly when interacting with his friends. I would worry that he was misbehaving if i wasn't there to keep an eye on him. We only moved recently so he has a new friendship group and we've only had 1 new friend to play (which went badly!).

Wibu to ask to accompany him? Would you find that weird if you had this request? We've not really had to navigate this before in our old area as he had 1 friend who also had sen and we met up with the parents too.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 12/06/2021 18:10

Send a text to the mum saying your son has adhd and would she like you to come with him for this first play date

Roomonb · 12/06/2021 18:15

Explain the situation, I would find it considerate of another parent to let me know and to accompany their child so I get a good idea of what to expect. I think you are more likely to have a second playdate and I wouldn’t find it weird at all, I’d think you were a good parent and a considerate person.

SE13Mummy · 12/06/2021 18:23

When DD2 was 7, she was desperate to have one of her friends from school to play. He has autism and ADHD which I was aware of but when his mum accepted the invitation, she offered to accompany him. I replied and said she'd be very welcome to come too, that I was happy for her to give me any advice she felt I needed and for him to come without her or to do whatever the two of them felt most comfortable with. He ended up coming without her and was thrilled as he didn't often get invited to other children's homes. He and DD2 had a lovely time and yes, he was lively but he was also polite and responded to being given clear boundaries.

I wouldn't find it at all weird if you texted me and offered to come along!

MinnieMountain · 12/06/2021 18:24

It sounds very sensible.

TwoLeftElbows · 12/06/2021 18:36

YANBU. As the host parent it's really helpful to have the offer. I've also had a parent offer to meet up separately for a coffee beforehand to explain what I needed to know about DC's friend.

Personally I think it's better to mention the diagnosis than to hide behind saying he's lively, nervous or whatever.

Original poster

Furiousfive · 12/06/2021 19:01

Thank you everyone! That's reassuring to hear that you would all find this a normal request given the circumstances.
Part of me is slightly concerned that they might regret inviting him when I tell them what he can be like, but at least I'd know then that it wasn't going to work out. He was only diagnosed recently so this is all quite new territory for us.

OP posts:

AlmostSummer21 · 12/06/2021 19:10

I can understand you being apprehensive, but I personally think it's much better to be upfront. A lot of people these days know what it involves, but some don't. If someone gets weird about it, it's probably better DS doesn't go to their house

Do whichever you feel comfortable with.

Merryoldgoat · 12/06/2021 19:17

My DS is 8 and has autism and has play dates without me. I always tell the other parent I’m happy to accompany him, collect him early etc and give advice how best to deal with him.

HushingDusk · 12/06/2021 19:43

I’d text the mum saying is it ok if you stay while he’s settling in? No need to mention his diagnosis at this point unless you want to

TrainspottingWelsh · 12/06/2021 19:50

Agree with explaining. I have adhd, so had the situation ever arisen I would have been unconcerned and simply asked you for any specifics, unless you felt more comfortable coming too. However when dc's friend with autism first came it was a definite advantage to have a parent there to guide me so I knew what to do on future occasions.

HappyDays40 · 12/06/2021 19:58

Know how you feel OP. My son needs supervision too.I totally wpuld welcome you

Mumdiva99 · 12/06/2021 20:04

As a parent I would like you to prepare me and give me a choice. I would probably say I am happy for him to come alone, but could I text you if I think it good you come early and have a cup of tea with me. That way if there were any issues I know you would respond.

80sballetgirl · 12/06/2021 20:35

My son had a friend on the autistic spectrum which we didn’t know at the time, as like you we had moved into the area, new school etc. We invited him to play. His mum explained & said he wouldn’t stay without her etc. So she came with, we had coffee & 22 years later we are still great friends! So I’m sure the mum would understand if you explained, maybe build up to him going alone - this worked for my sons friend.

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