AIBU about my reactiveness

[readyspaghetti]

When I get angry… I yell. There’s no stop break or pause, I just react.

My child doesn’t turn the tap off for the bath, I yell.

My child returns duplo to the box and deliberately bangs it around in the box, I yell.

Just a few minor examples.

I feel absolutely rotten but can’t seem to pause and take a step back.

Has anyone managed to create space in themselves so they pause before reacting.

Noise, disrespectful behaviour, mess, pressure, frustration…. I wish I could learn to master myself.

I don’t have a peaceful calm environment so need to find a way to be calm when busy and pressured.

It’s easy to say breathe, take a break, but in that moment my brain doesn’t take time to implement a thoughtful plan.

Do you think you'd benefit from talking to your GP about this? Constantly yelling at your child is not going to end well for them, you're creating an environment where they'll learn to walk on eggshells around you and to be afraid of your presence.
Having grown up with a brother with no fuse, just sudden explosive anger I can tell you it's something that stays with you.

You need to learn to pick your battles. Just from the 2 examples - yelling to turn the bath tap off, fair enough as it's wasteful of resources and potential over-flow but banging blocks around when putting them away - just let it go, what's the harm?
Why not try writing out a list of all the things that have set you off recently and then have a think about whether it was really worth yelling about. It can't be a nice environment for your DC to grow up in and they will eventually mimic/learn your behaviour. You describe your yelling as an uncontrollable behaviour but really it isn't, you do have a choice and you are self-aware.

I used to be like this. I would yell at anyone. One day I found myself in a situation that made me yell so much I thought I would have a heart attack. I had a word with myself and since then I have used the “ is it worth it rule” before I shout I think. Is this important. Is it worth getting angry about. Is it worth it. If the answer is no to any of these I just let it go. Takes some practice but it makes life much less stressful.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Think about how your child must feel.
Do you shout at other people?

You can self refer for talking therapies if you think that might be helpful, but the work in changing has to come from you. When you feel the urge to yell, you need to recognise that and also recognise that you can stop, breathe, think through what you want to say.

Also think of ways to minimise the things that set you off. When the bath is near ready, "It's time to turn the tap off now, if it stays on it could be dangerous". Putting toys away can be a joint effort, "Let's put them in carefully so they don't get damaged". Your yelling is a way of taking control, if you're already a part of the process you won't feel the need to jump in at the last minute, it's already within your control.

If you feel this is part of a bigger issue, if your mood is low or you're getting very anxious, then the GP can help with antidepressants. You might also want to look at parenting classes, which are non judgmental and supportive in helping you develop a more healthy relationship with your child.

I've had a bit of success with getting this under control myself. The trick is to be very, very aware of what is happening in your body. You need to get to a point where you notice the physical sihns of anger/ stress earlier. So you look out for rising heartbeat, clenching etc and either deal with the issue THEN, before you are crazy angry or walk away at this point, before anget builds any further.

Good luck!

Sounds like you need anger management for the sake of your child.

You need to decide to just stop.

Presumably you don't continually yell at other adults, so it is possible for you to control yourself.

Exerting your power over children by telling is something you can choose not to do.

Do some googling on the difference between reacting and responding.

Reacting is instinctive, unconscious and emotional and rarely positive.

Responding is thoughtful and takes into account the desired outcome - it's a good idea to think about your responses you want to use before you're triggered (noises, unacceptable behaviour, etc) so you have them in your mind, rather than lashing out.

This is one of many articles - kgdiversity.com/a-blueprint-for-transforming-reactions-vs-responses/

Also look at the STOPP technique;

I fully realise this might not be possible for everyone from both a time and money point of view but I often lose my patience and I’ve been having acupuncture for some thing else and one of the effects is that I also feel a lot calmer and more patient about things that I’d get frustrated about before

Do you manage to control it round adults? Or do you yell at others?

I've a child in my class whose parent must yell at him.

If he makes a 'mistake' he shakes. Yesterday he wrote carnivore and herbivore on the 'wrong' side of the venn diagram which made no difference at all. He was trembling and as I walked past he hid the two words under his pencil so I couldn't see. So at six he's learnt he has to try and cover himself. Nobody shouts at the children at school or raises their voices, it's a very positive place but he must be distrustful because of his home life.