AIBU? It's a Sil and Mil with a massive backstory.

[WhatToDoAboutInLaws]

Is it reasonable for Sil to expect to either visit on a Saturday or Wednesday to see dc. Then complain we are being unreasonable/ difficult to other family members because we did not get back to them in time with a reply (i.e. within a day) so she can no longer do Saturday. Then because its a week day and DH works from home on a wednesday expect to come at lunch time (think lunch is pretty much expected).

There is a massive backstory and I am having real problems with Sil and Mil. Basically we are quite busy at the moment and going through a very bad time. Dc is 3 and a half with a massive language delay and has some difficult behaviour. He is going through a diagnoses for autism at the moment. The whole process is slow and it is keeping me up at night wondering if I am doing the right things and getting the right help. We are still waiting for blood test results with pediatrician, and we have been on the Hanen more than words course. No other help with speech therapy other than that is being offered. My husband is on anti depressants because of this and I am half in a period of denial and almost mourning. I worry about the future. Will he ever make friends? What will happen when DH and I are gone. He is also getting stronger and last night he hit my noise so hard there was blood everywhere and I almost thought he broke it. I always have bruises on me because he will hit you if you tell him not to do something and now has started trying to hit his head to either get attention or because you told him no. I am losing sleep and weight with the worry.

With Sil it’s issues with making demands on our time (i.e. travelling 60 miles when we both can't drive to a clean Mil's rental property over Christmas. She of course was not going to clean anything) or massive boundary issues that is a one way street. She asked to attend dc's first appointment with the pediatrician for his autism diagnoses. In the appointment my medical history was discussed, but my medical history and privacy is not at all respected. But it is like I said a one way street, for example if we asked what happened with her last boyfriend she would be annoyed we even asked because that is private (I would not want to know but it is the principle really) but mine and my dc’s private medical matters deserve no privacy as far as Sil is concerned.

With Mil she has in the past basically insinuated its my parenting before we started on the process of getting the diagnoses. And complained about his behaviour – his running off as he has no sense of danger and his tantrums. As well as pointing out what my dc can't do in front of him (like not responding to being asked what his age is). And when we bring this up it is always turned around to be our fault – well how I am supposed to know you just don't share enough. But as mentioned there is a real problem with respecting privacy and boundaries with my in laws (Mil has in the past told me DH's cousin was in therapy for abandonment issues with her father – I doubt she would want me to know this so I know for a fact your medical privacy is not respected and shared with every family member). Then Mil complains she never sees him. But she visited at Christmas after not seeing him for months and spent the whole time talking to DH and practically ignoring dc. In addition to the complaining about his behaviour and insinuating its my bad parenting (asking if we are talking to him) it's just infuriating. I wish my dc’s language delay and behaviour (that ends up with massive noise bleeds and bruises all over me) was just due to me being a bad parent and not autism.

It is hard enough coping at the moment but with the way some of my in-laws are behaving it is making a difficult situation even harder than it needs to be.

I am tempted to email this thread to MIL and Sil but no doubt somehow they would turn it around to be my fault and them be the victim again! Because it always ends up with it being my fault because we just don’t see them enough and share enough or give into their demands (I could write a long post on just this!).

When I bring up their behaviour about insinuating it's my bad parenting then they turn it around on me saying it's my fault for not sharing enough. When I complain about lack of privacy we are shutting them out and they just want to help . It's either my fault because I don't share enough, accommodate them enough and let them help (they don't acutally help) or its some emotional blackmail crap - whatever I say somehow its might fault.

Your mistake is in trying to get them to agree with you or see your point of view. Stop doing this. You do not need to explain yourself, you do not need to complain, and you do not need to reason with them. It does not matter whether they think you are unreasonable.

You need to TELL them that you do not wish to see them at the moment. Do NOT get dragged into explaining why. You don't have to explain. Just say you don't want to.

And tell your husband that you EXPECT him to have your back about this.

My ils never had my mobile number.. Make it your mission to forward any messages to dh to deal with. Stop replying to them. You actually owe it to your dc to look after you..

Someone is going to be very unhappy with whatever comes next. You have to choose if it will be you or them.

Personally I'd let DH know that they don't contribute anything positive to my life so I'm going to drift away. It's up to him if he wants to stay in touch/host/facilitate.

They sound incredibly difficult and uneducated people. I think as women, we often take on the role of social organiser and communicator and once in a relationship, take over with our partner’s family too without even realising.
However, remind yourself that these are your in laws. YOU don’t have to be the one to sort out this situation with them.
If I were you, I would step back from this role. Your DH can have conversations with them and organise any meet ups (make it clear you’d like to discuss any arrangements with him first). It sounds like contact would fall away naturally if you left it to him, anyway perhaps? He doesn’t seem that interested in regular contact, so this could solve your problem.
The reason that it upsets you that they believe your parenting is down to your DC’s behaviour, could be because deep down you’re blaming yourself. It’s not your fault. You need to keep telling yourself that. You’re no doubt feeling all sorts of things right now, as you wait for a diagnosis and try to find a way to cope in the meantime. Your anger and frustration with your in laws could be a way to channel your anger at something you feel that you’re allowed to be upset about. You’re allowed to be upset about the situation with your DC too. It’s having a massive impact on you all and you want to find a solution that ensures the welfare and happiness of your DC. The waiting must be excruciating and what your families should be offering to you all, is love and support.
Step back. Let DH take over with them. You have enough on your plate.

Fortunately for you, OP, these people are not your relatives and thus not your problem. You are right that whatever you do or say will be turned back round on you, so just go NC with them. They bring nothing good to your life, only more stress at a time when you really don't need that. So just disengage from them. I wouldn't bother to send a message explaining that you're taking some time out, that would be for your husband to do - which he may not want to, and that's his choice, but he cannot force YOU to subject yourself to them. (In fact, I would imagine that he will not at all be a fan of your removing yourself from the situation because it will mean he has to deal with them more, but there is an easy solution to that and he too can go NC if he wants to.)

"DH, I have tried extremely hard with your mother and sister but they are doing nothing except adding to my stress at a time when I am already barely coping. Therefore, for the protection of my mental health, I am going to block both of them and not engage with them any more. I have enough on my plate dealing with DS. Feel free to tell them I need some time and space." Then don't give them another moment's thought.

@WhatToDoAboutInLaws

30degreesandmeltinghere that reply would just get turned around to me being the unreasonable one again, and not being accommodating enough. It would just go over their heads. Seems whatever I say I am in the wrong and they are the victim because I am just that terrible.

So step away

"Ok-too bad" 🤷‍♀️
Stop caring about what they think

You do know you don't have to see or speak to them? Block their numbers and emails, make them go through DH for everything and tell him you don't want to hear about the conversations. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

And stop telling them anything about DS. Nothing will change while you continue to interact with them as if they are normal rational people.

@WhatToDoAboutInLaws

30degreesandmeltinghere that reply would just get turned around to me being the unreasonable one again, and not being accommodating enough. It would just go over their heads. Seems whatever I say I am in the wrong and they are the victim because I am just that terrible.

If whatever you say puts you in the wrong, then you might as well just say whatever you want.

The only consequence of telling them both to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when they get there to fuck off again, seems to be that they "complain we are being unreasonable/ difficult to other family members". Well - so what? If the other family members are as unreasonable as MIL and SIL, I really wouldn't give a damn for what they thought of me.

Seriously - if you tell them to fuck off, what is the absolute worst that can happen?

Your mistake is in trying to get them to agree with you or see your point of view. Stop doing this. You do not need to explain yourself, you do not need to complain, and you do not need to reason with them. It does not matter whether they think you are unreasonable.

100% agree with this from Haffiana.

You have clearly identified you’re in a lose-lose situation. Whatever you do is wrong.

So choose the ‘wrong’ that is helpful to you. Refuse the visits, the ‘helpful advice’, any of it. Grey rock a response “We’re too busy at the moment”.

From now on, your mantra should be Does This Help Me or My DS?

And if the answer is No, which it clearly is, then you are under no obligation to talk to or see your in-laws.

If your DH wishes to manage the situation, he needs to do so in a way that causes you no stress I.e. visiting them alone, not inviting them to your house, and not relaying back to you anything they say.

In short, stop giving a fuck.

Stop caring what they think.
They don't care what you think about them!!
You are not duty bound to care about them just because you are married to their relative...

Honestly I'd just detach from them both and ignore. What can they do?! Nothing. Also mil should pay professional cleaners to maintain her rental home. Its her business/income so she sorts out expenses. Step back and ignore.

I too have an annoying SIL who thinks the whole world revolves around here and that my DC are an extension of her as they share a surname. Funny thing is that they see her once or twice a year and have actually told me they don't even know her.

As far as I am concerned her brother, my DH is her family, but my DC are very little to do with her. What they get up to and what they do is none of her business and I tell her nothing important. She used to get in a huff if we went on holiday and had a nice time, as if we should have invited her and PIL. I have done in the past, but refuse to. I always tell her things, if I want to, after the event or when there is no changing it, a fait accompli.

Your business and your DC are non of her business. Does she not have a life or something

One thing I learned is that in my case, as the DIL and SIL, I am damned if I do and damned if I don't so it is up to me whether I put any effort in. I don't. It is a work in progress.

Every 3-6 months I get my calendar out and book stuff in which will coincide with them putting demands on our time - Easter, SIL's birthday, School holidays and so the answer is always head tilt, sorry we are busy.

You and your DH have been dealt a huge blow with your toddlers issues and diagnosis.

I suspect that you have already had a few years of struggle and worry as a couple with your child.

Your lives are being turned inside out right now and all your futures will be different from what you imagined. Harder.

This is all relentless and exhausting. You need to conserve all of your finite emotional energy for yourself and your DC and your marriage because it is needed here.

You need to look after yourselves to be able to sustain and pace yourself. Your DH is already suffering with his MH due to this. Your life needs to be adapted to ensure, peace, calm, routine so that you have enough emotional and physical capacity to cope.

There is no room in your lives for anyone who will drain or compromise the fine balance your are trying to maintain.

Every bit of your headspace, emotional energy and time drained and made negative by these two is time and energy that you then don’t have for your DC and marriage.

Everyone needs uplifting, positive, supportive people in their lives to boost their self esteem ..... you and your family need it more than anyone.

Keep these loons well away.

I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time going through the process of diagnosis. I really recommend a podcast called Autism And Us, which focuses on parents coming to terms with diagnosis and life after diagnosis- it’s really easy to listen to and it might help you feel less alone.
It’s awful they’re showing so little understanding and support.

I wish my dc’s language delay and behaviour (that ends up with massive noise bleeds and bruises all over me) was just due to me being a bad parent and not autism

This resonated with me so much. It’s such a hard time going through the diagnostic process when you have to push so hard to have something confirmed that you’re wishing with all your heart isn’t true. Big unmumsnetty hugs

I don’t want to stress you but from here on you have to learn to put yourself first for your ds sake. His best chance in life is having a mum who has the energy to help him. You cannot afford to waste energy on people who bring nothing to the table.

Just tell them that you can’t see them at the moment, and then put them out of your head. If you get pushback just repeat what you’ve said. You have more important matters to focus on now.

I don't engage with my MIL at all because she is extremely overbearing and believes very strongly that she should be in the midst of both my marriage and any and all parenting decisions. Seems like your SIL and MIL are the same. You will have to agree with DH how to deal with it. Ultimately he is the problem. They are his family.

Stop engaging with the ILs. Grey rock all the way.

Let your DH deal with them and organise stuff with them on the proviso whatever he organises, he also deals with (so no inviting them and you are the one to entertain)

Btw, your DH might need to consider being LC with them. I suspect he has no idea how draining they are if you are the one to deal with them.

I love Difficult BloodyWomans advice above to be offfended first. These are awful human beings, you owe them nothing.

By any chance have they always dominated your DH? He needs to have your back so that you present a united front when telling them to mind their own business.

Sorry you're going through all this

@KeepingTrack

Btw, your DH might need to consider being LC with them. I suspect he has no idea how draining they are if you are the one to deal with them.

I think this is important. Your DHs MH is vulnerable and may well decline further with what you as a family have to come to terms with and adapt to. He needs to emotionally protect himself so that he can cope. If they are demanding, unboundaried and draining - then he needs to withdraw and go LC with b firm boundaries so that he can recover his MH. You and your DC need him mentally and physically fit and present.

Start working on having a thick skin, because if your child does end up with an autism diagnosis there’s no end of people volunteering their shitty opinions on your parenting and your kids behaviour - personal experience.

Stop caring what they think. It’s liberating, and as a pp said, since you’re in a lose-lose situation, pick the one that’s helpful to you. Let them get on with thinking what they like, you won’t change their opinion so just stop giving them opportunity to foist it onto you.

You’re going through a long, exhausting process, dealing with your DC’s behaviour, appointments, and that grief for the life you thought you’d have with your child and all hopes/expectations you had. Last thing you need is their negativity adding to it.

My MIL wanted to come to the appointments for our DS. This was after she firmly told me he doesn’t have autism (he does), and he just needs “something to calm him down” She wanted to come because she didn’t think we’d ask the consultant for medication to stop him being hyper. We told her no, and of course we asked for nothing of the sort. We dealt with her firmly and stopped telling her stuff.