Or is he out of order?

[FMLx100]

Terrible day today, am pretty sure DH is being unreasonable - more posting for advice on how to handle it.
DD (age5) has a horrid cough - pretty confident it isn’t Covid as she’s already had it but I said we have to isolate and get her a PCR anyway. This is way more of an inconvenience to me as I can’t WFH but DH can. Last time I got kids tested on my own it was a nightmare- I needed five pairs of arms to stop them pushing the swab away so this time asked DH To come too. He was pissed at this as he thought it unnecessary.
So we Go to test site do the test (yes it did take two of us) and on drive back he prangs the car. Now we’re stranded on a roundabout waiting for AA who will take at least 2 hrs. Police man very friendly but won’t take me and kids home because of THE COUGH. Eventually my lovely mum picks me and kids up and DH stays with car. I text to say ‘we’re home hope you’re ok’ and he rings me ranting that this only happened cos he was tired and hungry (booked test during lunch at his suggestion so that he didn’t have to take too much time off) and that we shouldn’t engage with this COVID paranoia and shouldn’t have got a test for DD’ he was then saying he was going to abandon the car and come home. I managed to calmly persuade him to stay and commiserated with him how hard it must be for him to sit on a grassy roundabout on a warm day. My AIBU is should I let him get away with this??? It’s clearly his fault he had the prang and nothing to do with my decision to book a test - how do I approach this and word it so that I don’t start shouting. I am fuming with him but I know that doesn’t help.

A bit of both here. He's clearly angry, frustrated and annoyed - we all feel that way and he's allowed to have emotions.

1. DD is 5, not 1 - she knows to stay still when asked, the tests suck but she shouldn't require two people physically restraining her in order to get the test done. DH shouldn't have needed to go.
2. It's not more of an inconvenience for you. You've got time off work because you can't WFH. DH is still expected to work but he now has to deal with you and DD at home which makes it much harder to work - especially when you're demanding he jump in and parent at the same time.
3. I sure as shit wouldn't want to sat in a car doing nothing waiting for the AA on a day where I'm also working, after being dragged out on my lunch break because my partner demanded support on something they should have been able to do alone. Acting like he's out there having a picnic and sunbathing is ridiculous.

So, yeah, he's being a grumpy dick but I can understand why. And the whole "letting him get away with this" thing makes you sound like a vindictive bully - what are you going to do? Give him a beating? Stop his pocket money? I think he has equal right to be fuming with you as you do to be fuming with him. I'd call it quits and drop it - if you start demanding explanations for his unreasonable behaviour (and please don't think for a second that I think he's behaved acceptably - he's not behaved acceptably) then be prepared to be met a demand from him to explain your behaviour too - and I think you're just as bad. I don't think this is a battle worth fighting - what are you aiming to achieve? An insincere apology after hours of rowing? How would that help anyone? Just accept that parenting and life is hard sometimes and (too often) we take that stress out on the people closest to us - we all do it. Plan a nice evening for you both instead of a shit one.

Hes being grumpy because he's having a sorse day than you. I'd let it go.

*worse

Thank you @ProbablyProbing it’s really helpful to see the other side. I agree with most of what you’ve said except that DD1 really is tricky to swab! And I didn’t explain very well about the WFH - he can carry on as normal whereas I have had to cancel appts etc but still have had to do admin from home so didn’t take caters leave. Usually in this situation we share the childcare whilst juggling work but this morning cos he was in a bad mood about me booking the test he hid in the office and left me to deal with kids and work stuff… sorry didn’t mean to drip feed but post was already so long!

You are right though- I think we both deal with stress differently not sure what confronting him would achieve: I’d hope it’d prevent him being such an arse in future but that’s perhaps optimistic

*carers

Yes, he's being shitty. But the day has been shitty too. I'd tell grumps to have a big hug to make friends again when he gets in, then let it go.

A 5 year old doesn’t require 2 people

Yup, definitely just let it go. He's being moody and you're being a bit sensitive.

Of course you should engage with the pandemic though....that's an odd thing to say

This is probably down to just being a proper crap of a day. He's stressed and annoyed and obviously is unreasonable ranting at you. Hopefully he'll come home a bit calmer and apologise for being a prat on the phone. I would tell him you didn't like the way he spoke to you and not to do it again please, bit other than that, I'd leave it be.

@FMLx100

Thank you *@ProbablyProbing* it’s really helpful to see the other side. I agree with most of what you’ve said except that DD1 really is tricky to swab! And I didn’t explain very well about the WFH - he can carry on as normal whereas I have had to cancel appts etc but still have had to do admin from home so didn’t take caters leave. Usually in this situation we share the childcare whilst juggling work but this morning cos he was in a bad mood about me booking the test he hid in the office and left me to deal with kids and work stuff… sorry didn’t mean to drip feed but post was already so long!

You are right though- I think we both deal with stress differently not sure what confronting him would achieve: I’d hope it’d prevent him being such an arse in future but that’s perhaps optimistic

Honestly, in your situation, I'd plonk DD in front of Peppa Pig so I had a few minutes to clear the sides in the kitchen (and the hallway so it looks cleaner as soon as he's in the door), order a takeaway once the kids are in bed and just try to have an extra nice evening. That way, you've had a stressful couple of hours cleaning and organising and doing childcare, he's had a shitty couple of hours in a hot, stuffy car (feeling like an idiot) and you can both have a really lovely evening together. You have the power here to decide whether to turn it into an argument or not - and there's no reason to. He's not had ranted at you for a rational or logical reason - he's just lost control of his emotions, so trying to deter him doing it again using logic won't work.

@drawerofwater my 5 year old definitely does: it’s like a reflex she can’t stop herself from grabbing the swab - maybe I’m putting it too far up?? My two year old is actually easier as I can hold his hands with one hand and swab with the other but she’s too strong for this… he did agree when we did the swab that he could see I wouldn’t have managed alone…

@ProbablyProbing you are totally right: not worth it: write this off as a horrid day and maybe lasso my child next time she needs a swab 😬

Thank you kind mumsnetters for helping me calm down and rant at you instead of DH!!!

Yes I agree with others, a shitty day for all. Be calm when you speak to him, try to let the emotional outburst go this time. As long as it isn't a pattern from him I'd put it down to him having his plans changed at the last minute. He may be feeling annoyed at himself for the prang and the subsequent sorting the car out and is wrongly looking for somewhere to put the blame.

I am surprised at other posters thinking a 5 year old would sit perfectly still for a swab though. My 4 year old needs two adults to restrain her and she is a perfectly pleasant and rational child usually.

Hope you manage to have a calmer evening.

Get away with what? What has he done wrong? Vented? Isn't that what partners are for? He's sorting the problem. You're home getting on with your day.

Ok he’s home: I’m calm, he’s calm: we’ll be getting a takeaway and lots of wine tonight.

Thanks for letting me vent at you instead of him! In future I may try out all my DH related niggles here first!!!

Bad day for all op. Glad you are both calm now.
Enjoy your takeaway and wine!