To totally ignore her?

[chippedchocolate]

I'm pregnant after a long time of trying and a MC Oct2020. DC12&10 from XH. Have got past the 12w scan and now told DC who are delighted - DC10 asked if they can tell their dad, I said up to them, both said they wanted to keep special news to themselves a while longer. Great idea I said.

DSis just called. Apparently IABVVVU in expecting DC to pass on this news. And that I shouldn't put them in the position of messengers to a potentially bad reaction.

Separated 4 yrs, divorced 2. AIBU to let the DC tell their father? Or should I?

Do you think he will react badly? If he might then probably better to tell him yourself

It really depends on the people involved. Are DC excited to tell their dad? Is he likely to react badly? Do you have a good relationship with him?

Honestly no idea. You probably know him quite well so you are the best one to gauge if you should tell him yourself or not....yiu don't want your kids being caught in the middle. Judging by your sister's comment, i am assuming he has form?

I think it depends on what their dad is like to be honest

YANBU, you've left it to your dc, which is great as it tells them you trust them.

She should not stick her oar in.

As above you are probably best placed to make that call - that's includes in relation to your sister .

Presumably your only relationship with your ex is through the kids, so quite appropriate for them to pass the news on. You owe him nothing.

Not sure why your sister gets a say. If you communicate with your ex then I would ĺet him know before your children tell him. Just a FYI situation really. Like if a partner was moving in.

If you never talk to him then don't bother.

But really the main thing is to let ex process it so he can react appropriately when the children tell him and not be like "This is a terrible thing maintenance will be reduced now". But only you know how he will react.

Depends on your exH. If he’s volatile and likely to be angry about the news then your sister is probably right. If he’s a reasonable person then it doesn’t really matter.

I think all you need to do is to say to your DC that if they would like you to be the one to tell their dad, then that's fine, and they should tell you when they're ready for you to do so.

How did DSis know anything about it? If not from you, that perhaps means one of your children has told her because they ARE worried about being the messenger.

I don't know. There have been plenty of thread about the opposite situation on here (Dad having new baby) and the advice is always that you shouldn't let it come from the children as a complete surprise in case they need opportunity to come to terms with it before they speak to the children about it.

I personally would tell him myself but you know him better and how he's likely to take it.

And when me and DH had our DC we told DSCs Mum ourselves as we didn't want her to just be bombarded with the news by the kids out of the blue. We felt that was the right thing to do.

I've no idea if she was upset or not, she has a new partner herself and seems to have moved on relatively well but you never know and I'd prefer her to have found out away from the kids if she needed time to process it.

DudeIsADude I agree the advice on her is usually to tell ex-wife just after you tell the kids so she isn't taken by surprise by the kids telling her.

Ianthanum's idea is a good one as you've already told the kids OP.

You are all stars for responding - thank you.

@Shoxfordian - I’m not sure how he will react. He point blank refuses to communicate with me, so unfortunately I’m in the dark as to whether he would even have a view on the situation!

@IMNOTSHOUTING - the DC are very excited although DC2 said “baby won’t have to come to dads every other weekend will they? He would only be mean to it.” Which preceded their decision to keep the news to themselves for a while longer.

@CareBear50 - he does have form, he’s not a very kind, or relatable, or communicative, or supportive person. One might say these were the main reasons for the divorce.

@MoreAloneTime - I think the first three paragraphs above might help you to understand his character a bit better!

@stackemhigh - and this is where I think it’s actually their news to tell. They’re his DC, he and I have nothing to do with each-other anymore apart from handing over the DC, and communication with him regarding child matters is zero. Even the court suggested he utilise his parental responsibility to gain any information regarding the DC (educational, medical) because they could sense the lack of interaction...

@cocoloco987, @tentosix, @InnaBun - thank you - no, he and I don’t talk, it makes life much easier that way! He won’t be able to reduce CMS, I got a watertight settlement thanks to a very smart Judge.

@Whyhello - I honestly can’t say how he will be upon hearing the news. Although we were married for just over a decade, I realised I really didn’t even know him when we divorced. Apologies if that sounds strange. His many levels of deceit pre-dates our marriage - I don’t think anybody knew / knows who he really is.

@Ianthanum - that’s a really good way of looking at it actually. Perhaps (I’ll give it a little more time) I’ll see if the DC would feel more comfortable if I were to be the one to email / tell him, or whether they would like to share their news with him. Perhaps it would be helpful if we have a chat about how certain news might affect other people. They might need to be prepared for their dad to not be excited about it in the least, which they may find somewhat upsetting. At least if we have that chat they will be ready for his response, no matter which way it goes. We only told DSis on Sunday, and neither of my DC would have spoken with her about being worried - they don’t have that sort of relationship with her. Apparently it’s been keeping her awake at night that I might be using them as messengers.

@DudeIsADude - I hadn’t seen other threads about the same scenario and probably should’ve checked! I was just quite taken aback by my own DSis. She apparently wrote to our uncle years ago and said “I’ll only come to your wedding if you promise to tell your ex-wife you are getting remarried, rather than using one of the children as a messenger” (he ignored her) so she’s obviously got a bee in her bonnet about this too.

Ho hum.

Thanks @Zing - I'm kinda hoping that was a typo 😂

Just read your update. Sounds like they are already concerned about how he will react. I would as PP suggested offer to email their dad for them so they are shielded from any initial reaction.

Tell your dsis thanks for her concern but managing your ex is your dept...
For the record I would email ex and tell him only incase his initial reaction isn't great. My ex told my dc the baby wouldn't be their real sibling and much worse stuff - when he found out ds had a medical issue he told the dc it was because I was evil. And it was God's punishment..

Thank you @InnaBun and @30degrees - have chatted with DP and we've agreed that talking to the DC about how different people respond / react to other peoples news would be a helpful conversation to have when they decide it's time to tell their dad, and at that time I can add in the offer to email before they speak to him about it.

@InnaBun - sadly you're right and they are fully aware that his behaviour isn't what one might class as reasonable. They've had a lot of therapy and a lot of emotional support over the years, teaching them confidence and assertiveness which helps them deal with their dads ineptitude (as a father) and his tendency to ridicule / bully to make those around him feel inferior.

From what you've said about your Ex I can see where she is coming from. You can equip your DC as best they can but they're still children who need to be protected by adults from abusive behaviour.