Friend jealous of me having a partner

[Minimei]

I have been dating a man for 7 months. Very casually at first but things have started to get more serious.

I have a fellow single friend who I spend a lot of time with (between 3 and 5 times a week - we live nearby and our kids are friends. Both working from home so we pop in for coffee most afternoons). She's like family to me.

She has openly voiced that she's very jealous that I've met someone and feels bitter. I admire her honesty but I'm not sure what to do with that information. She always says it with love and with acknowledgment that it isn't fair for her to put that on me, but she's made it very clear that it's hard for her.

She desperately wants to meet someone, which is driving her jealousy, from what she's explained to me.

I am always careful to make time for her (and all my friends) but I feel dreadful when she asks me to do something and I already have plans with him.

Last weekend he asked if I was free both Friday and Saturday (my kids were at their dads). I'm usually out with girlfriends one of those nights but I didn't have anything planned so I saw him twice. When she called last min to see what I was up to and if I was free, she went very quiet for a day or so and then admitted she felt jealous.

I really don't want to be one of those women who ditches their friends for a man. I did that when I met my ex husband and I massively regret it now.

That said, I also don't want to feel obligated to turn down plans with him in order to ensure she's happy.

As another weekend approaches I find myself feeling really stuck and stressed about it.

what's your AIBU?

She has openly voiced that she's very jealous that I've met someone and feels bitter. I admire her honesty but I'm not sure what to do with that information.

Sorry, there's nothing admirable about that. Jealousy and bitterness have no place in a real friendship.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

what's your AIBU?

AIBU to be so worried about it, I guess?

if it's always her asking you to make plans (is it?) then pre-empt her anxiety and reassure her by asking her.
maybe that's all she needs, that you make her a priority sometimes by organising something with her before discussing with your fella.

I think you are gonna be ok. just reassure her.

I don’t think it’s fair of her to keep saying it, or to say it in response to something you do. Fair enough to admit it as part of an honest conversation about how she’d like her own life to look. It’s a different thing altogether if she’s expecting you to act on it in any way or is saying it to make you feel bad about your availability. It’s entirely normal that you’d spend a weekend with your boyfriend when your kids are away. Not to mention it’s a bit off to only phone someone last minute and expect them to be free/go ‘quiet’ when they’re not. Meeting someone probably won’t happen by accident for her, she needs to invest in both the time it takes and also in being the sort of person who makes a good partner ie not difficult/needy.

@Aquamarine1029

I disagree. it's ok to voice concerns, her feelings are valid. would it be better if she'd said nothing but became manipulative, PA, nasty etc instead or just started ignore OP because she was feeling neglected?
how many millions of times are people being advised to talk to their friends, be open, then find a solution?
she did exactly what she would've been advised to do if it was her asking "I feel my friend is pulling away and it makes me feel insecure".

I'd rather have her honesty any given day. then I'd know there is a problem to sort and would set about fixing it (or not, but at least we'd both know why).

great relationships can survive way more than this. the question is if it's worth fixing it.

@Minimei

Hard to know what to suggest really, as this is really not going to go anywhere good anytime soon is it? She is bitterly jealous of you being happy with a man. This probably isn't going to end well.

It sounds like your friendship with her is incredibly intense. I would go batshit seeing ANY friend, (no matter how close,) 4 or 5 times a week socially. You both work (from home currently,) and yet you meet for coffee almost every afternoon. That is a LOT of meeting up with a friend.

Something has to give. Either she has to accept you are with this man now (and happy with him,) and may need to get used to seeing you less, (maybe twice a week!) OR you need to dump the potential love of your life.

All this 'sisters before misters' type attitude that some have (and I reckon she has,) is all well and good. But I am willing to bet that she wouldn't dump any man she met, because YOU were upset about it.

Be gentle with her, but be firm. Tell her you appreciate that she is a bit miffed, but that you won't be dumping this new man of yours. And reassure her that she won't lose you. (As long as she accepts you're with this man now.)

It's hard when the dynamics of a friendship change, but the fact is, that when 2 people are very good friends, and one of them meets someone else (romantically,) the friendship will change, and the friend who starts dating someone, will ultimately be seeing less of their single friend...

You can't help with the jealousy that she feels, she will have to deal with that herself, And equally , try not to feel sorry for her either. Just concentrate on your new relationship. And your friend may meet someone herself at some point in the future.

OK she’s been honest, but to keep on telling you sounds a bit manipulative. Hold your nerve and do what you want to do without justifying yourself to her. If she met someone, her life would presumably also change in ways she’d want you to understand.

I really think the best tactic is to get ahead of it and invite her. you are busier so tell her when you are free the rest of the week.

but only if you actually want to see her. if not then say "I'd like to pick a day to meet, but I'm only free x day next week.

Also it would be good to remind her that it's not really him v her, that you need time on your own too.
and to be with your kids & others so obv you need time without either of them as well!

I'd like to tell her to get a hobby though

Can you organise a night out together with his mates?

She may be trying to guilt trip you into spending less time with him or even dumping him.

Carry on as you are, maybe don’t tell her plans unless she asks. So just say ‘I have plans that day but how about ...’ and just don’t engage ehen she says she’s jealous or bitter, change the subject.

Don’t pander to her by apologising for dating/having a boyfriend.

I don't think she's unreasonable for feeling jealous. We also experience feelings we wish we didn't. She does need to acknowledge that it's not reasonable for her to act on those feelings though. You need to focus on being a good friend, which means setting aside time for her, but not keeping days free just in case she's upset about you having a boyfriend.

This is one i can relate to, because i felt that way, i was single for a long while, shitty date after another, and just wanted to meet someone. It's awful to feel that way, and she probably can't help the way she feels. But you're not doing anything wrong, and you can't give up your chance of happiness. Maybe once a month set a weekend aside and do something together. But don't neglect your relationship because you feel guilty. She will get over it if she's a friend

Is she 12?

She needs to pull herself together. I prefer single so it is easy for me to say but relationships are very overrated. That said I hope it works out if that is what you want.

I’m going to be honest here if your friend is making you feel so uncomfortable and saying she feels jelouse and bitter I would seriously question the friendship . If she can’t be happy for you and see other friends more or develop her own life a bit more then she’s not going to be a kind person to be around and this will only lead her to find faults in your boyfriend to split you up . Look at the dynamic of the friendship is she always used to getting the attention . Is she only happy if she’s happy . Does she celebrate your achievements. Some friends arnt really true friends and some people can’t be happy for someone unless they are happy I find it narcissistic they always have to be the centre of attention . How dare you find a man bfre her how dare you get a life bfre her .. mmm I would question this friendship and get a healthier balance sounds like she’s used to controlling you a bit .. is she really a positive person you want influencing your relationship . I see red flags in this friendship . 👍