To feel upset that he is pressuring me to return to full time work?

[NeedingAGoodNap]

I have a 10 month old dd and I returned to work part time (3 days a week) when she was 6 months old.

We have recently decided to purchase a new home and worked out the mortgage repayments. It will be slightly more than we are paying in rent currently but will won't be under financial stress to pay it off. Even though we will be ok my partner has decided that I should be returning to full time work now so I can contribute more. I am annoyed at this and think he is being selfish.

Our dd is so tired after her 3 days at childcare, I think more days will be too much for her. We are in Australia so it also wouldn't really help us financially as we would hit the threshold for child care subsidy and I would only be brining home about $50 more a day by the 5th working day.

Its not like I am not contributing financially, my part time salary is still very good and if it wasn't for me we wouldn't be buying a home as its my savings that are being used for a deposit. In fact if it wasn't for me we wouldn't have many things like our car either. He has only just started earning a good salary and contributing more himself.

AIBU to be annoyed by this?

Is he happy to take on half the nursery drops and collect, half the days off when she is ill etc?

Hard to say really without more info. Did you both agree to you only working p/t? For how long? I’ve no idea how childcare works in other countries but generally in the UK, it’s about looking at the long game….pensions etc., even though it seems as if you’re working for ‘nothing’.

@sparemonitor

Is he happy to take on half the nursery drops and collect, half the days off when she is ill etc?

He does his far share of drop offs and pick ups and we would be doing them all together if we moved.

He will very rarely cover any sick days because his job is oh so important.

@ChrissyPlummer

Hard to say really without more info. Did you both agree to you only working p/t? For how long? I’ve no idea how childcare works in other countries but generally in the UK, it’s about looking at the long game….pensions etc., even though it seems as if you’re working for ‘nothing’.

Yes, we both agreed to it. I was initially going to go back 4 days a week but we couldn't get a childcare placement for that many days. There is a shortage of placements in our city. I also suggested that we both work 4 days each but he says work wouldn't allow him (not that he as asked)

I think if you're only bringing home an extra 50 dollars and you can comfortably afford the childcare then he's being ridiculous. Does he do 50% of all the housework and baby care or would you just be expected to fit that round full time hours?

comfortably afford the childcare
sorry meant comfortably afford the mortgage

my partner has decided that I should be returning to full time work
Just tell him no. It doesn't make financial sense and it would negatively affect your daughter. Have you told him this? Sounds like he's just jealous he's working 5 days and you're not

I’d say no for now- you can’t get the childcare so it’s a moot point surely. And say you are willing to reassess in a year but that you expect him to make some adjustments too. For example taking sick days. Also I’m assuming you do a lot of housework. How will that be split if you are both working full time ?

@Rainbowqueeen yes I do most of the house work. The washing, cooking and meal planing etc all fall on me. Though he does do some things around the house it’s not 50/50.

@XiCi I thought that as well but our daughter is a bit challenging and he does avoid being alone with her by himself for too long. A few hours here and there but no way would he do a full day or two in a row.

Say no. And remind him that the money you’ve saved in the past is the only reason you’re in the fortunate position you are today. Cheeky sod.

Yeah, I wouldn't be buying a house with this man at all.

Would he be doing 50% of the housework etc if you returned full time?

Whilst dc are usually fine in full time childcare. I do agree that for $50 there is little benefit currently to going full time.

As she gets older childcare costs change and the question of hours working vs childcare can be revisited, however, distribution of household chores will also be revisited, as this should be fair and equitable.

Don’t use your savings for a deposit unless you can ring fence it legally.

In fact don’t tie yourself legally to this man until there’s a bit more fairness and equity in your relationship.

Don’t make the mistakes I made.

He will very rarely cover any sick days because his job is oh so important.
KLAXON ALERT KLAXON TOTAL DEALBREAKER RIGHT THERE
When I went back to work after mat leave, my husband did the majority of baby sick leave days for the first month so I didn’t look flaky. Your answer is you get to tell me to work more when you’ve saved the deposit and when you will take leave when baby is sick.

I suspect your marriage will encounter many more issues, so you may prefer full time work down the track for the independence. After all, he doesn’t pull his weight around the home, or with parenting, or financially, and doesn’t respect your career (it’s clearly lesser than his as he’s too important to take leave when his child is ill)

It sounds as if he doesn't want to make any compromises for you - he won't try for four days; he won't do a share of the housework - so why does he feel he gets to lay the law down for you? What's the benefit to it?

Does he not see the value in you being able to be home with your daughter?
Does he understand that although you might be marginally worse off financially it might make other aspects of your life harder ( more childcare needed over school holidays, less flexibility around illness, less mother/daughter time, more tired child).

YADNBU @NeedingAGoodNap He has a damn cheek.

I am willing to bet also, that if you DO go full time, you will still be doing everything else. (Domestic chores/childcare/school run/grunt work/home admin etc.)

Tell him to fuck off. You are not increasing your days, and as a few posters have said, don't buy this house with him.

Calmly discuss with him who will do the cooking, cleaning, life administration, cover sick days etc when you are both working full time,.

Either he has to do 50, 50 which he isn't at the moment. Or you will have to get a cleaner etc so you could be worse off financially.

Maybe wait a year before moving to see how everything has settled down, you've only been back at work four months and baby is less than a year. You are both still adjusting

I'm in Australia too and familiar with the child care system . For most. people working more than 3 days isn't worth it in financial terms.
I think I'd repeat your suggestion of both doing 4 days if it means tax is overall less if both use the lower tax brackets.
If he thinks he is too important to work less I would be wary that you will end up in my situation with a husband who also thinks he is too important to do his share of housework and childcare

Yes he is being very unreasonable. As you say OP, the extra money will be neither here nor there. Does he not value his own child being with you - its mother?

Tell him to look at this from the child’s point of view. What would your child say if he / she could talk? It’s not actually about him.

You can probably save $50 a month between you fairly easily and that would probably be far preferable for your daughter.

I would not be thinking of buying a house with this man. I think that now you have a child he thinks he can be the one in charge and this is just the beginning of what he has in mind. Given that your savings are funding the deposit and you do most of the childcare etc then he has a cheek demanding you go back to work full-time. Please invest in seeing a solicitor and get some decent advice. In your situation I had an agreement drawn up which my husband was perfectly prepared to sign but my husband was a decent man and I have never had to use it. I suspect your partner may not be a decent man as he certainly doesn't sound it. Don't listen to any sanctimonious claptrap about setting out planning to fail. I've been married 28 years and I've never used the agreement which protected my prior assets and meant that my inheritance remained my separate property. If there's no problem it just remains tucked away at the lawyer's office. Nobody gets together expecting it to fail but obviously a lot of relationships do fail and people become deeply unreasonable and it's better to be broken hearted with your assets at least. I predict he won't sign though which might tell you all you need to know.