Constantly being disrespected..

[theconfused]

Hi all,

I'm fairly new here so if I post incorrectly, do correct me.

I got married a few months ago (my husband is my cousins husbands brother ) so we did know of them. Anyways since the past two years while we we're talking, they've had many fallouts with me over 'lack of effort', 'not going over to theirs etc' so my bf at the time told me to not go as they were disrespectful to me (my cousin and his brother's family). It was to the point that we wouldn't talk, his parents would ask us to speak to them to 'clear the air' my family would end up getting disrespected, we'd then stop communication with them. Yet his parents would always push my parents to make the first move, any times I'd show that I'm upset or I'd tell them that this is what they're doing I was told as the wife of the younger son I need to be nice and civil.
Now that we are married, we've began going to their house etc, they've said to my husband to leave the differences aside and move forward. I've now started to go over etc.

His sister in law/ my cousins mum, who is also my auntie, hasn't even congratulated my parents (she's my dads sister, or my mum or even me) - I have spoken to her for the sake of my husband, thinking that they've left things aside.

Not once have they come over to my house, once my cousin and husbands SIL ignored me in a religious event, ignored my mum and sister and spoke just to my husband. I raised this with him and his parents, they didn't respond I carried on being civil.

Just recently, his brother has done the same to my parents and ignored them.

I feel very torn as I can't even stick up for my parent's getting disrespected like this.

What should I do?

Op is there a cultural element to this? I can’t quite understand, was it an arranged marriage?

Sounds like an awful lot of people being very petty and ignorant. I can understand if there's a cultural dynamic to this situation as well, because what they're doing is so subtle and slight (the ignoring you etc) that if you react, you'll be seen as the aggressor rather than the person at the receiving end of the rudeness.

I had a similar dynamic once upon a time & I handled it by realising that no matter what I did, it would be an issue so I politely disengaged and distanced myself very subtly, would be genuinely busy if invited to something, wouldn't engage with comments & basically be a smiling stone wall - so nothing could be said about how I acted or reacted.

You can choose to have people in your life on your terms. The stuff between your aunt and father though is for them to work out so stay out of it.

Yes, so as we're Indian (I'm born and raised in England) I was introduced to my husband through them - we instantly got on to which (I assume) they didn't like and they began to tell him to get out of this, make up lies about me/ my family.. he's been very supportive but again it is his brother so he can't do much.

@bloodyhell19 This is my concern, because in essence what they're doing is 'lowkey' it'll seem that I'm exaggerating and making a fuss over nothing.

@theconfused

Yes, so as we're Indian (I'm born and raised in England) I was introduced to my husband through them - we instantly got on to which (I assume) they didn't like and they began to tell him to get out of this, make up lies about me/ my family.. he's been very supportive but again it is his brother so he can't do much.

@bloodyhell19 This is my concern, because in essence what they're doing is 'lowkey' it'll seem that I'm exaggerating and making a fuss over nothing.

People who act like this OP know exactly what they're doing in essentially antagonising very subtly and then when you react, they're the victim. I'd disengage, don't entertain it, don't rise to it, you don't have to live in each other's pockets and if you husband is supportive then let him support you, and if wants to keep the peace then he can do that. You don't have to do anything.

That’s so stressful for you OP because as you say, there is constant low level disrespect but it’s subtle enough that you’ll look like you’ve massively overreacted and been rude if you pull them up on it.

I would try very hard to gently disengage - polite but distant, don’t share information, don’t see them any more than is absolutely necessary. If your family pressure you just say to them breezily that as far as you’re aware everyone is friends and there is no problem. Don’t share details of your life or try to befriend them. They’re the ones with the problem, so you just have to find ways of not engaging with them.

I get that there’s a cultural element to this, but you sound way too enmeshed with family, ILs and extended family.

I married an individual, not a family — I like my ILs, but I certainly don’t consider myself to have ‘married in’ — and I only spend time with people whose company I enjoy. If someone feels I’m ‘not making an effort’ with them, they need to start asking themselves whether they’ve given me any reason to spend my valuable free time on them.

@theconfused

Yes, so as we're Indian (I'm born and raised in England) I was introduced to my husband through them - we instantly got on to which (I assume) they didn't like and they began to tell him to get out of this, make up lies about me/ my family.. he's been very supportive but again it is his brother so he can't do much.

@bloodyhell19 This is my concern, because in essence what they're doing is 'lowkey' it'll seem that I'm exaggerating and making a fuss over nothing.

OP firstly congrats on your marriage. Second there's nothing you can do. I have no idea why these people are being so rude, do you know what's behind it? Sounds like there's a backstory here as it's unusual for brothers and cousins to be so rude to each other. Families normally at least attempt to get on unless something has happened. For them not to even say hello to anyone in your family is a bit strange. What point are they trying to make?

Do they think they are better than you? Is there a history here?

Second, I would be polite, overly so. I would rise above it. I wouldn't mention it again to your husband as you already have and he's done nothing about it, so there's no point. I would let my parents deal with it themselves and focus on disengaging from it all because it all sounds very childish. I would remind myself that it reflects badly on them, not me and try to move on.

Thank you guys, I think I will just have to train my mind to not overthink these things, because I highly doubt it'll stop so I shouldn't be getting worked up over it.

I was considering skipping the birthday event they've got lined up shortly, but again it'll give them another reason to play victim.. I'll just have to keep my cool and deal with it:(

@theconfused

Thank you guys, I think I will just have to train my mind to not overthink these things, because I highly doubt it'll stop so I shouldn't be getting worked up over it.

I was considering skipping the birthday event they've got lined up shortly, but again it'll give them another reason to play victim.. I'll just have to keep my cool and deal with it:(

I don’t see why you shouldn’t skip it. I’d take the approach of saying ‘Well, people who want to spend time with me need to work on being a bit nicer to me’. It makes zero sense to be unpleasant to someone and then complain when they don’t attend your events.

@username4567720 - thank you!

It started as soon as we began talking, they began accusing him of not speaking to them as much as he did, as we'd be going out etc. If he came over to my house to meet my family, it would create backlash over him going over etc.

He would then question why they have an issue with me when I've never said anything to them, it's been two years we haven't had a reply..

Husband spoke to his parents about this, they said yes, they should've maintained civility in public it's wrong. That's it..

This is the issue I'm dealing with, they have 0 reason to do this, but they do, I'm not asking for an apology I simply was under the assumption that 'let's move on' meant both parties leaving their differences aside so that we could at least respect each other out in public.

Husband has offered to speak to the brother about this, but I know he's going to make some silly story up to cover his back and continue to blame my parents , which is something I don't want. My husband has already said that they will respect each others' wives families and not get caught up in the drama to his brother, but apparently this only applies to us and not him..

It's just mentally draining of having to be the one to just deal with it

@theconfused

Thank you guys, I think I will just have to train my mind to not overthink these things, because I highly doubt it'll stop so I shouldn't be getting worked up over it.

I was considering skipping the birthday event they've got lined up shortly, but again it'll give them another reason to play victim.. I'll just have to keep my cool and deal with it:(

The best thing to do in situations like these is polite and breezy.

You go to the birthday event, you say hello to everyone and are polite and friendly, you leave. Just keep it like that and stop thinking about it. It will eventually become less and less important and you won't think about it anymore.

Well yes, it makes zero sense - but that's not really the point, is it?

Maybe you could think of this as a Job? You have some annoying team members who don't pull their weight and make your job more difficult and less pleasant (but apart from that the job's great). You're going to a meeting in a week or so and you know it will be onerous; so you make sure you've got all your notes prepared (you have a card and present and a delicious home-made contribution dish) and you're going to wear your favourite formal business suit (a great outfit which you look good in but is not obviously brand spanking new). You're going to take part in the meeting (be pleasant and chat to people) and be part of the outcome (have strengthened social bonds - note you can have strong social bonds even with people you don't like very much ).

It changed my life when I realised that it's possible to be polite and friendly to people I dislike and despise...

@merryhouse

I guess you're right, if I don't go it'll look as if I'm the one with the problem. I just need to carry on doing what I'm doing..

Husband has said don't go and if they ask him he'll explain why I'm not there and if they ask me, to say he told me to not go & explain the situation. I just get confused between what I feel like doing and what the right thing would be..

Ugh I hate overthinking about this dramatic family