to be hacked off and upset with my friend?

[Greensleeves]

probably, but I want to decant some steam and bluster over it, and I can't have a go at her, so I'm doing it here!

She and I have a sort of open arrangement (I haven't known her very long, but she lives very close and our children get on, and I do really like her/her dh etc) whereby if one of us needs babysitting the other will do it if we're able to. I do more for her than the other way round - at least weekly - but she is always very conscious of this and is wary of "taking the piss", and is always telling me that I should ask her more often because then she would feel less guilty. I don't feel like this about it - I like her little girl being around, she's no trouble - and if I need a babysitter I'll ask.

So anyway, I had her little girl last night, as arranged, and she was meant to be having my two this evening. However the thing this evening has been cancelled - but I have just had a phone call asking me if I can work tomorrow afternoon, so I phoned my friend and said "I don't need you to have them this evening, but are you free tomorrow afternoon?" She ummed and aahed and then said "well, if you really can't find anyone else I suppose I could do it at a push, but try and find someone else, I had the rest of this week earmarked for emptying my larder"

I just feel a bit hurt really, I have worked around things to have her dd several times (I took her to a firework display at 2 hours notice, that sort of thing). And I know, she doesn't OWE me her time, I babysat voluntarily etc - it's not that I feel I have a right to it, it's more that I'm hurt that she doesn't want to do the same for me. Emptying the larder?!

I am Aggrieved

Hmm, I have to put up with it, but I don't have to respect it

I'm not stamping my feet and saying "she owes me" - I know it doesn't always work out like that, as I've said to her a million times when she's bleating about feeling guilty because I hardly ever ask her. It's just a bit hurtful that the one time I do really need her it's not a priority for her. I would be moving things around to fit it in if it was the other way around.

It's never nice to be told "no" when you had every reason to believe the answer would be "yes", I suppose.

She sounds a bit like my sister actually.

She had told our older sister she would babysit for her this weekend. 2 of our sisters are twins & are going away with their dh's for the weekend.

Younger sis told one of the twins she could have her kids & I'd have the other twins children... that's fine, we've been doing it for years anyway, but at the last minute my younger sister has said she forgot, she can't do it as she has arranged to go shopping with her ex's mum that day

So I have 5 of them I don't mind.. I have the room, but am feeling pissed off at younger sister!

YANBU. She can't even be arsed to make up a decent excuse. That's shabby behaviour.

I know its frustrating for you, but perhaps she didn't mean you to take her comments in such an unhelpful way.

If someone asked me for a favour and it was inconvenient I might say that I would do it if no one else could. I have done that in the past rather than say no altogether if it is a pain to re-arrange my plans, but I want to make sure that a friend isn't completely in the lurch. I'd hate to think that anyone who I had said that to wouldn't come back to me if they couldn't find anyone else. I don't think cleaning out my larder would count as something that can't be re-arranged for me, but I'm not a larder cleaning out sort of person! Maybe it is difficult to re-organise things

and she may not realise how much re-arranging you have done for her in the past. I tend to assume that if I ask someone for a favour they will tell me if it is inconvenient, so if they don't I don't think it might have caused major problems for them. Perhaps its the case with her.

I also think you might be reading too much into her not answering the phone - maybe she was busy, on the loo, half way through cleaning up a child covered in paint, moving heavy furniture.

I would phone her back and say that you really can't find anyone else so could she do it and that you will send plenty of activities to keep your DCs busy while she clears out her larder.

mmm. emtiying the larder? what a strange excuse!! it sounds as if she just did'nt want to do it at that particular time but did'nt really have a proper reason not to?? if i where you i would cool things a bit. it sounds as if you both have different expectations of the arrangements

Did you book the nursery greenie?

I think, in the light of the fact that the emptying thing is genuine, that YABU.

You may be happy leaving the kids to get on with drawing etc but she may not be. She may worry that they will continually interrupt, maybe get in the way etc.

You are now probably making her feel awful about the situation by NOT assuring her that it is no problem and you will sort something else out.

Leave a message thanking her for her offer to help tomorrow but that you have got it covered anyway, that you hope to see her soon, yada yada. That is the only option if you want to stay friends.

Drop it, move on, stay friends.

I'd be miffed too, but sod her larder, that can be done another time. Get her to watch your dd this time, then don't be quite so accommodating when she asks next.
Some people are "takers" and take more than they give back. Sadly.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be miffed. Not sure what to suggest though.

However, I have been laughing, because last night I decided I should make time to clean my larder out within the next week

Sorry, havne't read the whole thread. I wonder if your friend is particularly stressed and finds it difficult to rearrange thing, prioritise, etc. Give her the benefit of the doubt and see how she is next time. Lots of mums are in a state around Nov I find.

I'd be fuming but then I'm in a state of almost perpetual rage at the moment over things that are probably quite trivial in retrospect .

Can't even blame my hormones since that was done and dusted last week..!

i think perhaps you are being a little unreasonable

if she does need to do this larder thing for the building work then if i was her i wouldn't really want three extra kids around. I would be planning to give my kids a sandwich in front of the tv.

as it was a last minute request from work i would have said 'only if i can get childcare' before i agreed to it

i think a few days notice for your friend is polite

i think this babysitting for each other can be tricky full stop - its a bit 'never a borrower or a lender be' - its bound to become uneven at some point

My gran has a larder, or as she calls it, a pantry, filled with loads of out of date delights iirc.
yanbu by the way

Oooh ROFL at Lardergate.

YANBU I don't think. As she's allegedly been feeling so guilty about over-using you then she should have made the effort this time.

It's obviously larder season as DD and I did mine last week. She had a great time sorting everything into sizes and cans and pasta while I got excited about things in the depths and quite a low total contents:items past their expiry date ratio, so larder-ing is do-able with children for a couple of hours.