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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hacked off and upset with my friend?

64 replies

Greensleeves · 20/11/2007 11:28

probably, but I want to decant some steam and bluster over it, and I can't have a go at her, so I'm doing it here!

She and I have a sort of open arrangement (I haven't known her very long, but she lives very close and our children get on, and I do really like her/her dh etc) whereby if one of us needs babysitting the other will do it if we're able to. I do more for her than the other way round - at least weekly - but she is always very conscious of this and is wary of "taking the piss", and is always telling me that I should ask her more often because then she would feel less guilty. I don't feel like this about it - I like her little girl being around, she's no trouble - and if I need a babysitter I'll ask.

So anyway, I had her little girl last night, as arranged, and she was meant to be having my two this evening. However the thing this evening has been cancelled - but I have just had a phone call asking me if I can work tomorrow afternoon, so I phoned my friend and said "I don't need you to have them this evening, but are you free tomorrow afternoon?" She ummed and aahed and then said "well, if you really can't find anyone else I suppose I could do it at a push, but try and find someone else, I had the rest of this week earmarked for emptying my larder"

I just feel a bit hurt really, I have worked around things to have her dd several times (I took her to a firework display at 2 hours notice, that sort of thing). And I know, she doesn't OWE me her time, I babysat voluntarily etc - it's not that I feel I have a right to it, it's more that I'm hurt that she doesn't want to do the same for me. Emptying the larder?!

I am Aggrieved

OP posts:
Brangelina · 20/11/2007 11:59

Yes, ask her to do it. You could always suggest taht your DC help with "emptying her larder".

kindersurprise · 20/11/2007 11:59

I would ask her again, and see what she says. No point in you working if you are paying 40 quid for the day nursery.

and at her larder. Has she even got a larder? And why does it need emptying?

Original poster
Greensleeves · 20/11/2007 11:59

Nah, fuck her, I'm not calling her back

OP posts:
oliveoil · 20/11/2007 12:00

on the other side of the coin, evening babysitting is probably easier (ie they are asleep) than daytime

either way I think she is being unfair

phone her back, say what time do you want her? if she grumbles again, make a mental note and don't do her any other favours

francagoestohollywood · 20/11/2007 12:01

I can have your ds2, I might have a clash with the ds1's schoolrun.

ladybug007 · 20/11/2007 12:01

I agree with Elphaba and oliveoil. Just be really straightforward and say 'Well, I really couldn't find anyone else. Thank you so much!' I wouldn't apologise or say you'll never ask again - why on earth should you? Accept her help and ignore her attitude.

MorocconOil · 20/11/2007 12:01

Personally I couldn't ask her. I'd go with the nursery and if she asks you later what did for child care go 'I ended up paying £40, because I couldn't find anyone else to have them. Child care is SO expensive isn't it?'

Elphaba · 20/11/2007 12:02

No ask her to do it. I know you'd rather not but she does owe you a favour so bloody let her do it, go to work and don't be forking out for childcare when she gets you free!!!

lemonaid · 20/11/2007 12:02

I would call her and maybe even say "Look, was 'emptying your larder' a euphamism for something you don't want to tell me about? Because the only place I can find to take the DCs would charge me £40, so I could really do with the help as I do need to go into work."

lemonaid · 20/11/2007 12:03

Which might give her a steer that "emptying my larder" is a seriously crap excuse, assuming it is genuine.

Original poster
Greensleeves · 20/11/2007 12:04

I can't ask her, I am just too pissed off

OK, dh says he can pick ds1 up and have him from 3.30, but he will have to be at work at 7.30am to compensate for it, so I will have to do the morning school/nursery run on my own, but that's OK

so it's just ds2... it's difficult though, because all my friends have children of their own who have to be picked up. The ideal solution was for this particular friend to have them, she lives round the corner and the boys know her really well. I wonder why she is being like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Greensleeves · 20/11/2007 12:05

could live with paying £18.25 for them to have ds2 for a few hours, and dh could have ds1... that could work. It would mean I was working for nothing, but I'm not really doing it for the money anyway

OP posts:
Blu · 20/11/2007 12:05

LOL - I thought the same as Brangelina!

Call her back. Ask her to do it. he will come to her senses.

Otherwise you will seethe every time she asks you to babysit, and your open arrangement will close up.
She said she would do it if you had no alternative, so take her up on it. It could be construed as a bit snippy if you don't, iyswim.

Original poster
Greensleeves · 20/11/2007 12:06

I just phoned and got the answering machine! And I know they are in!

whimper

OP posts:
Blu · 20/11/2007 12:07

Hmmm. Maybe something is going on.

Elphaba · 20/11/2007 12:08

Leave a message on the machine saying you couldn't get anyone else to do it and you'll be dropping them off at [time].

Blimey, you took her dd to fireworks - she can at least have yours for a bit!!

EHM · 20/11/2007 12:15

emptying the larder, 'who is she'! Nigella!

Doodledootoo · 20/11/2007 12:17

Message withdrawn

EHM · 20/11/2007 12:19

apologies to oliveO just read back the whole thread. I note we think along the same lines

CatIsSleepy · 20/11/2007 12:28

I agree with doodle-think you have to let it go this time, though it must be frustrating for you.

But make sure you Ggve her another chance to help you out soon, see if she does better.

Hopefully she will and things will be back to normal. if not...well maybe your larder will need cleaning out soon...

perpetualworrier · 20/11/2007 12:28

I can symathise (to a point)with your friend.

This time of year gets me ( and the rest of the world) really stressed and I have found the only way to get round it is to have a plan (very anal I know).

This week I planned to tidy and clear out DS1's toys to make room for the new ones, but he's home sick, so I'm not going to get it done. I work Thurs & Fri , so if it's not done by tommorrow, it won't get done and I am really, unreasonably, fed up about it.

Maybe she really did just mean, "I had got plans, but get back to me if you need to and of course I'll have them"? I might try to put someone off to avoid changing my "plan", but I wouldn't leave a friend in the lurch.

fireflyfairy2 · 20/11/2007 12:29

I wouldn't ask her again, but then I'm as thick as champ....

What about the MN'ers who have offered? Does your ds know them?

pageturner · 20/11/2007 12:34

Hi Greeny, friend sounds crap, but she just may just have a proper reason. The fact that she's not answering the phone now sounds like she's embarrassed, either because she knows she should have just said 'yes, of course, Greeny darling' or because she's having some incredibly embarrasssing medical procedure carried out but didn't want to tell you.

I would go with, getting dh to have ds1 and put ds2 in nursery (or take franca up on her very kind offer ). I'd help, but I can't tomorrow. And next time I saw her, when I was less irritated, I'd ask her straight out whether this arrangement was still working for her or whether she wanted to call it a day. It sounds like she's got a lot more to lose than you have.

Come out of that shell!

Original poster
Greensleeves · 20/11/2007 13:03

The emptying her larder thing is genuine, she's got to replaster it (building control regulations apparently) so she has to get all the food/stuff out and stack it somewhere else for a few days. I was meant to help her do it yesterday, I cried off because I was ill - but I was genuinely unwell, she knew I was - and I still babysat her dd last night!! She could empty her larder perfectly easily with my kids sitting at the table doing drawing/sticking/watching a video, I could easily have sent stuff for them to do, and it's only a couple of hours.

I am also supposed to be going to her house for tea tomorrow, and I bloody well don't want to now, she's invited another (even newer) friend as well and I just don't want to sit and be nice and get to know her bloody friend now, I want to sulk and refuse to go [child]

OP posts:
Maidamess · 20/11/2007 13:08

If she has earmarked that afternoon for whatever she wants to do (larder emptying, shagging, whatever) I think you will just have to respect that tbh, no matter how petty her 'activity' seems to be.

Some people are not good at re-organising their schedule once they've put their mind to do something.

I think the real issue here is that you bend over backwards for her yet she prioritises differently to you. The answer? Don't bend over backwards anymore!

Put what you want to do first, like your friend does.