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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Collecting funds for deceased Neighbour [Edited by MNHQ at OP'S request]

56 replies

Pinky1952 · 09/06/2021 18:01

AIBU to be reluctant to contribute to a collection for someone's child. I live with my hubby in an apartment block consisting of 66 private flats. The ages vary but most are older people with no children. There are one or two younger people but single. One young man aged 29 has been found dead in his flat which is very sad. Apparently he has a young son who doesn't live with him. We didn't know the young man. There have been many people passing in the flats but there have never been any collections before. Now on Saturday one of the residents committee members is coming round all the flats for a donation to go towards his child. I know a lot of people like to donate to charity and that's their choice but previous experience with my hubby and I make us reluctant to donate to anything. I feel uncomfortable about answering the door only to refuse. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
RickiTarr · 09/06/2021 19:32

As to the real question, if it’s being organised by the residents’ association, as you suggest, then that’s more accountable than just a random flat owner starting a collection, so I would give something, yes, in recognition that dying so young is a tragedy and as a supportive gesture to the son. Anything between £10-50, depending on budget. It’s just supposed to be a nice, thoughtful action.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 09/06/2021 19:43

of course you don't have to contribute to anything. Just say no.
Don't pretend not to be in - have the courage of your convictions, if you feel like that.

However, I'm slightly agape that you and your 'hubby' are against contributing to ANYTHING. Do you mean never again? You will never ever give a charitable contribution? Really? That's very odd and quite shocking to read, but I assume you have a back story that makes it justifiable, at least to the two of you.

SwimBaby · 09/06/2021 19:47

I’d give a tenner but you don’t have to if you don’t have to give anything if you don’t want to.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 09/06/2021 19:49

Just don’t open the door, even if they come back!

Thread’s a bit of a let down tbh I was expecting you to be on the run.

MoiraNotRuby · 09/06/2021 19:50

What a promising thread title and disappointing OP. Come back when you have pushed the collecting person down the stairs.

ForeverSinging · 09/06/2021 19:51

Answer the door and say "I'm not interested in contributing, thanks for asking."

RandomCatGenerator · 09/06/2021 19:52

YABU if you don’t donate any money to any charitable cause at all ever.

flippertygibbit · 09/06/2021 19:55

I would contribute but not a massive amount. I think it's a nice thing to do but if you don't want to then don't.

VodselForDinner · 09/06/2021 19:56

Strange title.

OP, gently, this is not about you. Feel free to not donate, but there’s no need to give any further thought or information.

BiscoffAddict · 09/06/2021 19:57

I donated when a family near me lost everything in a house fire. I think in total about several grand was raised. It then transpired the mother of the family had set the fire herself because she wanted the council to rehouse her in a bigger house.

speakout · 09/06/2021 19:58

OP I would ask for the title of the thread to be changed.

I opened it up thinking you must be admitting culpubability to homicide or neglect... not good.

Somatronic · 09/06/2021 20:04

I would just make a donation, even a small one, so as not to look like a tight-arse.

BackforGood · 09/06/2021 20:06

I too thought this was going to be a legal, or a confessional thread Grin

However, to answer your question, there is never any need to contribute to a collection if you don't want to.
I'd say that is even more the case when it is for someone you don't know / have no connection with.
Just open your door and say "No thanks" or "No thanks, I'm already committed to the things I give to".
If you don't answer then the folks will just waste their time coming back over and over.

Butchyrestingface · 09/06/2021 20:10

In terms of your thread title, OP, if you donate a tenner, no, you won't be contributing to his death.

You can't kill him twice.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/06/2021 20:16

This kind of donation is so open to abuse. Just say you give to registered charities only.

HollowTalk · 09/06/2021 20:19

Say you don't have any cash but you'll look at a just giving page later

Original poster
Pinky1952 · 09/06/2021 20:23

I have had a little chuckle at some of your comments but you are right. I don't have to justify myself to anyone. I will let you know how it goes.

OP posts:
Erictheavocado · 09/06/2021 20:26

Not going into details here, but an experience with a door to door collection a few years ago, made dh and I decide we would no longer give to these collections again. It was in the early days of the internet, so was difficult to check out. We now only give to door collections when neighbours collect for funeral flowers. I also never add my name to sponsor firms after doing so and then being hounded with begging letters for months on end. I still give, but do it in cash to the participant. If you feel uncomfortable, you don't need to contribute, but I would answer the door and just say you don't give at the door.

Blossomtoes · 09/06/2021 20:30

@RickiTarr

As to the real question, if it’s being organised by the residents’ association, as you suggest, then that’s more accountable than just a random flat owner starting a collection, so I would give something, yes, in recognition that dying so young is a tragedy and as a supportive gesture to the son. Anything between £10-50, depending on budget. It’s just supposed to be a nice, thoughtful action.
Same here. Probably no more than a fiver though.
HoldingTheDoor · 09/06/2021 20:31

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who isn't disappointed that the thread wasn't about having a whip-round to hire a hitman.

NameyNameyNameChangey · 09/06/2021 20:51

Easiest solution is to not answer the door- maybe go out for the day? although it does risk someone coming back, and you'd need to avoid the organisers for a week or so.

warmandtoasty2day · 09/06/2021 20:56

i wouldn't give to this as i'd be too suspious whether the money is going where it is supposed to be, as there are a lot of scammers out there waiting to jump on things like this.
I donate stuff to charity shops, buy from them and volunteer at the local food bank instead.
biscoff post is a typical example.

partyatthepalace · 09/06/2021 21:05

@Pinky1952 I think you should get MN to change the title...

I would either not answer the door, or say you’d love to but just can’t, or give them a fiver in an envelope.

No need to worry about it. The person is just trying to do something nice, no need to feel pressured.

RickiTarr · 09/06/2021 21:22

@NameyNameyNameChangey

Easiest solution is to not answer the door- maybe go out for the day? although it does risk someone coming back, and you'd need to avoid the organisers for a week or so.
How is hiding from your own door bell - or going out for the whole day - the “easiest” solution? Confused

The easier way is to say politely “I’d rather not”, or alternatively give just a fiver and don’t worry about the exact fundraising structure. Both incredibly easy.

WinstonsWeirdVole · 09/06/2021 21:25

Yeah... really need to change that title OP!