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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the majority of people would cover up the crimes of their loved ones

61 replies

NEVERQUIT3331 · 09/06/2021 14:20

I had a discussion with a friend about what someone would do if they found out someone they loved dearly e.g. children, partner etc would do if they found out they committed a heinous crime that could land them in jail for a very long time (e.g. burglary, rape, murder) etc..

And I said that I feel a lot of people would acknowledge these crimes are heinous but if it actually happened to them they would probably most likely if they could cover it up and ensure their loved one e.g. child does not do time.

Do you think this will happen in most cases?

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 09/06/2021 14:53

Most people will act in their own interests. They like to think they wouldn't, but time and time again events show thats not the case. Especially if they think no one will know what they did.

As anecdotal evidence, the majority of survivors of CSA that I know of have had little or no support from their families, who prefer them to shut up and not rock the boat. And you only have to look at the Stately Homes threads to see people who are victims of awful behaviours from their own parents, and get no support.
So for that reason, I have voted YANBU.

SoddingWeddings · 09/06/2021 14:53

Not a fucking chance here, but I'm an ex copper so I'm a bit black and white about these things.

As @Lockheart says, there are years if not decades of cover ups by families and friends which lead to horrific situations. Some people clearly do what I would not and either turn blind eyes or actively participate in hiding, minimising, excusing horrific behaviour.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 09/06/2021 14:55

I dont think id 'dearly love' them anymore if they'd done something like that. It'd be like I didnt know who they were.

MorriseysGladioli · 09/06/2021 14:56

Same here.

Original poster

NEVERQUIT3331 · 09/06/2021 14:57

@Lockheart

Everyone says they would immediately turn in a loved one, no hesitation.

In practice, they would not. This is demonstrated time and time again in the cases of abuse within families.

What people would like to think they would do in an intensely distressing scenario is rarely borne out by action. This isn't a criticism, it's just human nature.

Exactly this. People say this all the time.

"if I was a millionaire I would give so much to charity." It is a nice idea but in reality, the majority would not. Greed in human beings is a huge problem. If you have £100M you are not satisfied people won't stop there they will try and find ways to make £200M and so on...

Same with reporting a crime. It is the right thing to acknowledge that anyone who does a serious crime we should report them. But if that happened to you in reality the way you handle it will be much more different than what you say. For example, a son who we know is a rapist. The right thing to do is of course report him. But in reality how many mothers would report their sons? The majority (and I am classing majority as over 51 percent at least would not) They will try lying to themselves "my son is so good he is perfect, loving" etc..

It is why I do not like the idea of death penalty as well. It is okay to put someone else's son to death? But what about when it is your son? Could you go in and watch him be hanged or put on a lethal injection? We love the idea of correctly punishing others but when the same circumstances are given to our loved ones we try and change the terms.

OP posts:

IrmaFayLear · 09/06/2021 14:58

I think people cover for their children. Thinking about the Jonbenet Ramsey case, it was obvious that the parents had concocted a cover story about the murder of their dd, and could not be broken. Now, no one would cover for their spouse in such a situation, but for their other child………?

ContinuousMonotoneBeep · 09/06/2021 15:00

Not sure I would have burglary in the class of heinous crime along with rape and murder.

The honest answer is I don't know. Now when it's purely hypothetical I don't think I could live with myself if I covered up a heinous crime for anyone, even a loved one.

For other crimes, I really don't know - no crime is truly victimless is it?

MorriseysGladioli · 09/06/2021 15:02

My son, my daughter - I wouldn't change my stance at all.
Neither would I want any more to do with them.

MoawMoaw · 09/06/2021 15:03

It really really depends on the crime and whether there was anyone at future risk of hurt etc.

So if my husband had robbed an ATM, and then regretted it and confessed what he'd done to me, I'd make him find a way to pay the money back secretly, and wouldn't tell anyone. But if he was unrepentant and busy planning his next heist, I'd report him to prevent future crime.

Killing someone, possibly, if it was for example... a person punched my husband unprovoked, so my husband punched him back (not in self-defence but more retaliation), but unluckily caused a blood vessel to rupture in this other person's brain, and they later died of it... no I wouldn't report him for that, again so long as he regretted it and he wasn't generally violent. It was a mistake, which I think the justice system massively over-punishes.

I say I wouldn't report him, but I don't think I'd lie either, so this would probably only work if they didn't question me about it.

Repeated offences for violent or sexual crimes, I would absolutely report them. If my husband was a rapist/predator/serial killer I'd rather he was in jail.

Tealightsandd · 09/06/2021 15:08

Perhaps I have an over optimistic view of human nature. I think some might but I don't think the majority would (for the worst crimes).

What happens quite a lot (although not often understood by authorities or reported as such) is people genuinely believe their family member is innocent. Even if it's quite obvious, it's a sort of psychological self preservation. Deep denial, because the truth is too horrible to face up to. It can't easy to accept a loved one has committed a monstrous crime.

There's also people who are too terrified of the family member, who will cover up because of fear/threats of violence etc.

Ncforthistoday · 09/06/2021 15:08

My ds committed a crime no dm would want her ds to commit. I had to ring the police. And I had to watch him being taken away.
I will never recover mentally or emotionally from that.
Haven't seen ds since that day. Except in court... A thread a while ago saw posters claim they would do the same or definitely would hope they could... I hope nobody is ever in those shoes....

Cravey · 09/06/2021 15:10

I found myself in a position years ago where I knew a cousin had committed a huge crime. He also used an important day / event as his alibi. I did tell the police that the cousin hadn't been at this event. Was really hard to do, i struggled with it for a long time. However it turned out I wasn't the only person who had said no he wasn't there. Several of us told the truth. I was quite shocked at how many lied though. Think a family event with over 100 people there. Five of us told the truth ( although to be fair it may have been more who didn't want to say ). Cousin wasn't told that people had said they wasn't there, pretty sure it was a say enough to figure out. They got quite a large prison sentence. I feel no guilt at all. Last time I saw them was at a wedding, they had been home a few years by then, they said something to me that kind of made me think they knew some of us hadn't lied. I played dumb, still feel no guilt.

Tealightsandd · 09/06/2021 15:10

Often simply a case of the person who committed the crime will tell their spouse/partner/parent/child they're being falsely accused. The family member will want to believe that's true and so will provide an alibi/lie to police. So sort of covering up but only because of genuinely not being able to accept or admit to themselves the person might be guilty.

Richter235 · 09/06/2021 15:12

Ŵell I work in field that deals with sexual offences and I can tell you absolutely that families protect their sons…

Ncforthistoday · 09/06/2021 15:14

I didn't protect my ds. Don't rate us all the same please..

Gingerkittykat · 09/06/2021 15:20

Having grown up in a family where child abuse was covered up I would have no hesitation in reporting someone I either suspected or knew to be a sex offender.

With smaller crimes I would hesitate. I knew a younger relative was heavily into drugs but no way would I have reported them for possession. I would be concerned if a relative was a shoplifter and while I wouldn't condone it I wouldn't turn them in either.

Tealightsandd · 09/06/2021 15:28

@Richter235

Ŵell I work in field that deals with sexual offences and I can tell you absolutely that families protect their sons…

I'm curious. Often wondered. Do they know their sons are guilty, or are they in deep denial?

sqirrelfriends · 09/06/2021 15:31

Rape or murder? Absolutely not.

Accidental manslaughter, maybe depending on the circumstances but I would try to convince him to just tell the truth.

Financial crimes, possibly.

WrongWayApricot · 09/06/2021 15:34

No, I wouldn't. I might help them sort stuff out before they go in but I'd be making sure they confessed and hopefully got a reduced sentence. It's not good for the victim and it's not good for the perpetrator to get away with these crimes.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/06/2021 15:37

@Ncforthistoday

My ds committed a crime no dm would want her ds to commit. I had to ring the police. And I had to watch him being taken away. I will never recover mentally or emotionally from that. Haven't seen ds since that day. Except in court... A thread a while ago saw posters claim they would do the same or definitely would hope they could... I hope nobody is ever in those shoes....

So sorry to hear that. It's every mother's nightmare.

MistyFrequencies · 09/06/2021 15:46

I would report my husband 100% for any of those crimes listed.
Id like to say I'd report my kids but honestly I'm not 100% sure I would...

Totallyrandomname · 09/06/2021 15:47

I honestly think there is a wide variety of feelings on this. I work with families with loved ones in prison. Some are very open in acknowledging their crimes and holding them accountable and wanting them to have successful rehabilitation abs others don’t acknowledge the crime.

I think reasons people might not acknowledge the crime or report their loved one can be complicated too. Obviously everyone has different values about what constitutes a heinous crime, they might be in denial or they might be unable to challenged a loved one who has more power than them or they may be a victim too.

Lockheart · 09/06/2021 15:47

@Tealightsandd I don't think it's always as simple as that. Sometimes it will be pure denial, other times it will be minimised and explained away through fear.

Well his version of events is totally different / he didn't mean it / it was an accident / they're lying / they've always had it in for him / it's not as bad as they make out / not my son he wouldn't hurt a fly / I'm not going to give him up until they prove it / those friends are a bad influence and it's all their fault / he was blackmailed / what will everyone think? / I couldn't put my other children or elderly parents through that upheaval and distress / he's got such a bright future ahead of him, this was just a mistake / they've got the wrong person / he's been so stressed lately he's acted out of character / they could never prove it anyway / I don't care what he's done he'll always be my little boy!

And so on and so forth.

People will find no end of excuses to keep their heads down and not rock the boat, especially if there are cultural pressures, the prospect of losing a loved one, or the prospect of having your lives turned upside down as the police comb every inch of your home, belongings, and lives for months on end.

Totallyrandomname · 09/06/2021 15:49

@Ncforthistoday

My ds committed a crime no dm would want her ds to commit. I had to ring the police. And I had to watch him being taken away. I will never recover mentally or emotionally from that. Haven't seen ds since that day. Except in court... A thread a while ago saw posters claim they would do the same or definitely would hope they could... I hope nobody is ever in those shoes....

I can imagine that was extremely difficult.

Tealightsandd · 09/06/2021 15:49

Sorry @Lockheart That's what I meant. You explained it much better than me.

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