This is going to be very long sorry and I'll try not to drip feed, I am fully prepared (as much as I can be) to be completley torn apart here, I don't know if I am being unreasonable, I can't ask anyone in real life for an opinion on these situations though and I'm not sure what to do. My partner says that I am controlling and that I have an issue every time he wants to go out.
I do have trust issues, he has changed a lot since the start of our relationship but he knew I am hugely against drugs. I didn't know he took them when we got together, I was told that he didn't, I got pregnant in 2014 and had a miscarriage. That night I stayed with my mum for support and when I went home the next day I found all of his friends in the sofas, in our bedroom and the house in a complete state with blood in the bathroom sink, alcohol bottles and just a complete mess in general. He had gone to work. It was left to me to send everyone home and clean up while I was in pain and in a complete emotional state. I did suspect that he had been doing drugs that night but he promised me he hadn't, I was very naive and not in a mentally fit state to even process anything so I did just try to believe him and forget about it.
A year later I got pregnant again, this time thankfully the pregnancy went well. When I was 3 months pregnant we went to his brothers wedding abroad, where my partner got extremely drunk and confessed to me that he had in fact taken drugs that day and that he wanted to cheat on me but didn't but that he wouldn't do it again. I was pregnant, in a foreign country, he had spent the majority of the money I had so I couldn't just book a flight home and so I stayed and again just tried to forget about it and wanted to believe it was a one time thing. He was not supportive throughout the pregnancy, he didn't go to any scans and would often dissappear on nights out with his mates and wouldn't be home until 3-4am in the morning. I had to go hospital for low blood sugars when I was 8 months pregnant and he made me get the bus home rather than pick me up himself and so there were alot of instances in that time where he wasn't there for me and that gave me trust issues. He was there when our eldest was born, and over time he did become far more supportive and fell into his role as a dad and for a while things seemed ok.
The problems began when I realised that we weren't really going out together anymore, he would go out with his mates and leave me home with the baby and so I started asking him to spend more time with us, but I think I might have asked too many times - or just shouldn't have asked at all because he does deserve to spend time with his friends. He is the main breadwinner I only work part time for childcare reasons but he said that feels like he can't go out without me having an issue with it. I tried to reign that in and again things seemed OK for a while. I got pregnant again when our eldest was almost 4 and this time he was really good, he came to the scans, tried to help when I was uncomfortable and when I ended up having pre-eclampsia he rushed to the hospital to be there with me. I had an emergency c-section. He did go home that night and told me that he was going to the cinema with his friends (his mum would look after our eldest) , I was the only woman on the ward without my partner there and I did make a comment about it being a bit unfair of him. I was in hospital for 5 days, in that time one of his friends attempted suicide - obviously that's a horrible thing for him to have to deal with I know, but my partner did spend alot of time helping him and when I got home I was left alone with our eldest and the newborn baby healing from a c-section, while he went to go and visit his friend and help him when he was discharged from hospital. So I probably did make a few stroppy comments about that too, but I genuinely can't remember exactly what I said, I have severe depression myself and was very sympathetic to his friend though.
When my partner went back to work he was brilliant with the girls, he does alot with them and takes on the caring duties when he's home. I do struggle with housework and I admit our home is messier than other people's but I really do try, I asked him to help out with housework a bit more and he told me that I needed to give him lists and tell him what to do and because I don't do that it's my fault that he doesn't help out more. He said alot of my issues with the housework and being burnt out are my own doing because I don't tell him what to do and I need to be more assertive. We haven't gone out as a couple for over 2 years at this point, he has gone out with his friends, maybe not as often as he would like but definitely more than he has gone out with me, or even us as a family, but again he says that because I don't organise things that's why we don't go out. The problem is that I choose the wrong times to suggest things, each time I have suggested something he says that we don't have the money this month, or he didn't want to do that, or that it's not a good idea because the girls won't enjoy it or there's something else going in that he hadn't mentioned yet, so I got a bit nervous about suggesting anything because I felt like I was making stupid suggestions. I did begin to get really frustrated and fed up with him going out then, I resented the fact that he was going out more than I was and spending time with his friends while I was stuck at home with only the children to talk to. I don't have many close friends, I am a very shy person and really struggle to make friends so it is my fault really and I probably was being very unreasonable to show him how annoyed I was feeling. I did tell him that I didn't want to stop him going out but that I was just feeling a bit lonely that's all.
I also started asking him what time he would likely be home from work, so that I knew when to start dinner and he said that constantly asking him is unreasonable and makes him feel like I'm rushing him and that he can't go out after work and do what he wants to do because he feels like I always need him at home. He brings up the fact that I am controlling alot. In February this year I attempted suicide because I was in a really bad place, felt like I was failing at everything - couldn't keep up with the housework, didn't feel like I had the energy or patience to deal with the children, felt like a useless partner and it all just got too much. I was discharged the next morning and the next afternoon he went to the pub with his friend. I made the choice to do what I did, I don't deny that and it was definitely my own fault and I was stupid I know that, but I thought he would at least stay at home with me and the children, I was feeling physically very unwell still (I do know that's my fault) and mentally really unstable so we did have an argument about that and again he told me I was controlling and that he needed to talk it through with someone because it was hard for him as well and I can understand that he needed support as well. There have been little arguments since then but mostly we've been OK I think. I did cause all the little arguments because I don't word things very well and I worry over how to say anything because it might cause an argument because I'll say the wrong thing and he won't understand what I'm trying to say.
Then on to today's argument. He wants to go out his friend and her son rather than me and our children and when I said that I don't have a problem with that, he can go out with whoever he likes I know she's his friend too but the way he worded it felt like he was saying that he prefers to spend time with her and her son because its less effort than spending time with me and the girls, he now says that I didn't show any enthusiasm when he mentioned something to me (he said he wanted to go somewhere and I said OK then that'll be nice) and that no matter what he does I always find an issue with it. And I think he's probably right, I do seem to cause an argument every time he wants to go out.