To want another baby?

[pollylocketpickedapocket]

Ok this maybe long(ish)
I’ll try to cover everything, I’m a single mum by choice , ivf with sperm donor , 5yo dd.
She’s absolutely lovely, smart, everything you could want but the past 3 years she’s been like a polar bear with toothache on crack, extremely hard work, she is in the last term of reception, teachers and childminder love her, very well behaved there. She is desperate for a sibling, I’d love another child but scared of the sleepless nights, and everything else that comes with it due to being alone. My parents are supportive but have categorically stated they’re too old to be hands on with another one.
I’m nearly 42 snd have had a few issues myself lately with high blood pressure, a few too many pounds on etc, but a drs visit today and my bp is normal, just and I think I could overhaul myself fairly quickly with diet and exercise.

I have embryos in the freezer from my first ivf attempt, which was successful so it’s not like I’d be using 42 year old eggs.
I’m ok for money, not rich but secure home snd could definitely pay for some help, so wwyd?
I am silly to consider this? I think what if something was to happen to me in childbirth and I left my dd alone? I’m waffling now but I honestly don’t know what to do!!

Well firstly I really wouldn’t put that much weight on your Dd wanting siblings. Often children say this because they play with friends with siblings and see all the fun and cute things and once they come they absolutely despise them.

I have siblings, love them sometimes, really dislike them sometimes but you can’t have a child just so your child wants a friend. (I am sure you wouldn’t do this).
I would focus purely on you, do you want another, do you feel like you’d be upset if you didn’t have another. If one round of IVF failed this time, would you try again?

It really is a hard choice.

If your dd wasn’t fussed about a sibling would you have one?

Most young children want siblings. Often with no understanding of the impact it would have on their lives.

@cinammonbuns

Well firstly I really wouldn’t put that much weight on your Dd wanting siblings. Often children say this because they play with friends with siblings and see all the fun and cute things and once they come they absolutely despise them.

I have siblings, love them sometimes, really dislike them sometimes but you can’t have a child just so your child wants a friend. (I am sure you wouldn’t do this).
I would focus purely on you, do you want another, do you feel like you’d be upset if you didn’t have another. If one round of IVF failed this time, would you try again?

It really is a hard choice.

It’s very difficult, I do want to do it all over again, I just wish I’d done it sooner,

I honestly don't know but just want to reply to your last sentence "what if something happened to me in childbirth...?"

well, anything could happen to you any time...so I wouldn't let that sort of fear hold me back. hope that helps & good luck whatever you decide

@WildWestWanda

If your dd wasn’t fussed about a sibling would you have one?

Good question! I definitely feel a little jealous when people add to their families.

It's important that you do what you want, not what your daughter wants.

I’ve had ivf and I couldn’t have discarded the leftover embryos if I’d wanted another so in your position I’d be tempted to try those and leave it up to fate.
We don’t have a conventional family set-up so I wanted my daughter to not be alone, even if she may not be at all close to her brother in the future.

I personally wouldn’t in your situation - it’s a lot to put yourself through with age not on your side and no partner for support. I completely understand your desire for another - it’s the most natural thing in the world - but there’s a lot to be said for enjoying what you have. Also agree that there’s no guarantee siblings will automatically get on (or even speak to each other if my family is anything to go by!) Good luck whatever you decide

@DramaAlpaca

It's important that you do what you want, not what your daughter wants.

I do want it just my list of pros and cons is about equal! We are not a huge family so I don’t want her to be alone, I know the luck of the draw with siblings I really do but oh!!

Are you the poster who lives with her parents and had them providing free childcare?

I'm an only child and had a brilliant childhood. You don't have a baby because a 5 year old says she wants a sibling. I know lots of women have babies at your age, but I certainly wouldn't have been one of them. I think you also need to consider what would happen if this child had very significant disabilities. How would you manage that, and do you want to risk the possibility? Only you can decide.

@Footloosefancyfree

Are you the poster who lives with her parents and had them providing free childcare?

God no, I wish!!!

@Aquamarine1029

I'm an only child and had a brilliant childhood. You don't have a baby because a 5 year old says she wants a sibling. I know lots of women have babies at your age, but I certainly wouldn't have been one of them. I think you also need to consider what would happen if this child had very significant disabilities. How would you manage that, and do you want to risk the possibility? Only you can decide.

I know that, my child wanting a sibling is one of many reasons I want to do this. Also my age would not increase my risk of a disabled child, my frozen embryos are much younger!

Get a dog ??

@lmao88

Get a dog ??

A baby would be easier!

If you want another baby then no I don't think 42 is too old given you already have a 5yr old.
Who would look after DD if you died tomorrow? That to me is a consideration that isn't really restricted to childbirth so not necessarily a reason to rule out another.

It’s a really difficult decision!!!

Tbh I would, reason being (I appreciate this will get shot down by many) you had your first by sperm donor, your child already is low on family, I’d give her a sibling, a further dna connection. Sorry to be blunt!

42 isn't too old but if you're going to have another child, it really has to be because YOU want one. Not because your dd wants a sibling. There's never a guarantee siblings will even get on which is why I think it needs to be for you.

Difficult decision for you op. How would you feel going back to the baby stage again but this time with your dd to look after too?

I have a 6 year age gap between mine and they have bugger all to do with each other. Now 11 and 17 and it’s been difficult all the way as they’ve been as such different stages. Even places where they have both wanted to go have been difficult, like theme parks, as the eldest wants to go on the fast scary things and the youngest has wanted to do the kiddy stuff.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Tbh I would, reason being (I appreciate this will get shot down by many) you had your first by sperm donor, your child already is low on family, I’d give her a sibling, a further dna connection. Sorry to be blunt!

Good point! I agree, however lots of people don’t have a quality family, just read Mumsnet!!

@Littlefluffyclouds81

I have a 6 year age gap between mine and they have bugger all to do with each other. Now 11 and 17 and it’s been difficult all the way as they’ve been as such different stages. Even places where they have both wanted to go have been difficult, like theme parks, as the eldest wants to go on the fast scary things and the youngest has wanted to do the kiddy stuff.

That’s definitely something I think about. But a day at a theme park is only a small part of life isn’t it?

Does your child have a kid in their class or childminders that they don't like at all?

Ask your daughter how she would feel if her sibling turned out like that person and she was stuck living with them all the time?

She will probably change her mind about a sibling and that's one of your pros gone.

Your cons list is not good, and what if something happened to you after you have the second child, who looks after them both? Your parents have said they can't do it, they are too old. They could maybe handle one, but not two.

I wouldnt do it in your situation.

Wasn’t really thinking just for the sibling relationship (which btw is only ever shit on MN, IRL everyone I know gets on with their siblings), it was more your child would see the other 50% dna they have that they don’t see in any present family members.