Husband blamed son for fight

[buffalowing]

My husband was in foul form earlier and was moaning at the 4 year old for everything. Granted he wasn't on his best behaviour but husband had no patience for him whatsoever. Hubby was meant to be washing 4 year old as we were going out but carried on folding the washing and just kept barking at 4 year old to go in and get washed. I kept getting my bit in and saying just take him in he will mess about until you actually take him and do it - I was finishing off work.

4 year old was not doing as his told (never does for his dad) hubby was about to lose it, I stepped in to tell 4yo to behave and get washed and to listen to dad. Hubby then had a go at me as I reached for 4yo hand to take him to the hall to tell him he isn't behaving and needs to stop misbehaving- hubby can be rough or too shouty and I call him out on it. He was trying to do the same to me but I gently reached for his hand to take him away as that is how we diffuse situations. Anyway I left and said fine you deal with it and he said to 4yo - see what you done you've caused that fight between me and your mum!! I was horrified! I marched back in and told him to stop talking, he kept saying it and I told him to leave as this was not on and you never say that to a child. He just kept saying well it was and it is!!!

I am in shock, I am fuming, angry, upset, stunned. He has taken 4yo out to his friends as arranged but not before the 4yo said im sorry dad for being naughty and you fighting. I am so so upset about this but he thinks I am being unreasonable.

I'm really not though am I???

Neither of you are coming across particularly well to me.

Well there's no point leaving a message like that if you're not going to explain yourself is there??

How so?

Well no, it wasn't appropriate for your husband to say that. But the bigger issue seems to be his dynamic with his son.

It's not acceptable for him to be rough. Ever. You shouldn't have to "call him on it". What's the plan for the future with a man who takes his anger out by roughing up a 4 yr old?

Something I need to have a serious think about. He can be rough at times, not always. I stress rough as opposed to violent or aggressive. He parents the way he was parented , when smacking and grabbing by the ear was the norm. Not that he has ever done those things.

I'm just shocked he said that. I think it's something that could really stick and have an effect on him

I’d be more concerned that dp is rough and shouty. Will you ‘call him out on it’ when he ‘loses it’ or hits the child. Blaming a 4 year old for causing arguments between you is already a red flag for mental and emotional abuse, is that ok with you?

There’s more to this though isn’t there? Why is your ds disrespectful to his dad? Why doesn’t he do as he’s told? What’s going wrong with the parenting in your house? You aren’t singing from the same song sheet that’s for sure.

When you say you call him out on it do you do that in front of your child?

Because tbh you having a pop at your husband in earshot of the 4yo isn’t going to help encourage the 4yo to do what he’s told.

That says if he’s too rough with a small child then there are bigger issues afoot.

My aibu was in regards to him telling the child he was to blame for our argument and me telling him to stop while he was talking to the child. Not the part about being rough. I am not in an abusive relationship nor is my husband abusive to our child.

He does not 'rough up' our child and my words have been taken well out of context.

I put the full story as it happened in the aibu for context. The word rough refers to just that, rough not gentle. Not hitting, being abusive, aggressive or anything else. I don't need 'help' to escape my partner. I wanted to vent about what he said as I believe it is so out of order whereas he disagrees.

Your husband is awful. His behaviour is far worse than your 4 year olds, and I'd tell him that. FFS, he needs to use some self-control.

I wanted to vent about what he said as I believe it is so out of order whereas he disagrees.

He was out of order, but so were you repeatedly “getting your bit in” when he was trying to deal with your child, who already ignores him.

Rough still isn’t a word that should, imo, be applicable to how an adult deals with a 4yo. It sounds like you are not remotely a parenting team.

So he’s taking out his foul mood on his child, shouty, “rough”, impatient, “about to lose it” and emotionally abusive (yes, shouting and telling a preschool age child they’re responsible for an argument between their parents is abusive). Sounds like Dad of the year. Is that how you want your son to grow up to treat his wife and kids?

And with regards to 4yo never listening to his dad. It is because he is inconsistent in his parenting and discipline approach. He can be lazy at times and won't follow through with things whether that be bed time at a set time, allowing too much tv time or buying him toys when he asks (too often). I am the firm one and 4yo knows where he stands with me. If I say no I mean no and he won't push his luck. It is the opposite or his dad.

Don't twist what I'm saying because I haven't worded it cautiously or caveated it. I said what happened. Don't make incorrect assumptions.

@buffalowing

And with regards to 4yo never listening to his dad. It is because he is inconsistent in his parenting and discipline approach. He can be lazy at times and won't follow through with things whether that be bed time at a set time, allowing too much tv time or buying him toys when he asks (too often). I am the firm one and 4yo knows where he stands with me. If I say no I mean no and he won't push his luck. It is the opposite or his dad.

Don't twist what I'm saying because I haven't worded it cautiously or caveated it. I said what happened. Don't make incorrect assumptions.

That still doesn’t make it ok for you to repeatedly tell him what to do when he was telling your child what to do. It’s not going to help your DS learn to listen to him anyway.

When you say ‘rough’ what exactly do you mean?

Sounds as if your child is a perfectly normal 4 year old and it’s the two of you that need to work on your confused, disorganised and quarrelsome parenting.
Is your son in school or nursery?

If he told your son he is responsible for the fight between his parents, I’m sorry but that is abusive and that’s not taking your words out of context.

Yes I agree it probably doesn't help when I constantly get my bit in but I usually try to do this to back him up so 4yo knows he needs to do as dad says or throw in some encouragement to husband. You have all automatically assumed this is me being negative to what husband is doing. If I don't get my bit in then it comes to me anyway as 4yo hasn't listened and dad has had enough trying but I can see how this is not ideal as much as I think im helping at the time.

As a mum I have lost my shit on countless occasions, doesn't mean I have hit my child or spoken to them aggressively. I am human and only have so much patience. Losing it does not mean being violent. Nor does it mean not being a good parent.

I never said rough was an acceptable way to parent but it also does not mean being abusive. You have been given one snippet in to one event this evening. We are generally a good parenting team. Certainly not the best but very poor of you to declare we are not remotely a good parenting team.

I despair of some of the comments on here and feel for those reaching out for genuine help. I wanted back up that this was unreasonable to say not matter how true my husband felt it was. He is very black and white and believes if child behaved we wouldn't have argued. Unfortunately he can't see that his patience ran out 10 mins before the event and he escalated it by having no patience for an excitable child. Things could have been a lot different had he seen that.

I have advised that there is no concern when it comes to physical contact. I am unhappy with this one off remark that happened tonight and don't know what came over my husband. I have told him things like that can have lasting damage and I never want to hear him say anything like that again. We haven't discussed it as yet but I fully intend to.

This is awful, OP. Your husband needs to rethink entirely how he interacts with your DS. He's only 4, ffs! You as parents are responsible for setting boundaries and enforcing them firmly with good humour, positivity and affection. All parents lose it and shout sometimes but this shouldn't be a regular occurrence.

Thank you jellybabies

I agree as whilst it is not a regular occurrence he has been too shouty at times and it is unfair. I have had to say, he's only 4 to remind him.

Husband needs to work on his patience with 4 year old when it comes to discipline and structure. Anything else he is great with and has more patience than me for playing games with cars, superheroes etc. I think that is the problem at times. He expects to be the fun one and can't deal with the hard stuff (you know the parent stuff...!) and expects me to do it so when he does need to do it, he goes too firm and forgets to encourage the behaviour he expects instead of just telling him then shouting if it's not done. The 4yo takes no notice of him shouting and therefore the problem goes round in circles.

OP, by telling your DH how to parent in front of DS you are essentially giving DS the message that your word counts and that you are the one who decides how he should be parented.

Your DH was attempting to discipline the child and in the meantime you took his hand and took things out of control, totally disempowering your DH.

Perhaps he shouldn’t have said in front of the child that you caused the fight but neither should you be calling him out in front of his child either.

You did cause the fight, but there is wrong on both sides and neither of you is coming across well here.

I wanted back up that this was unreasonable to say not matter how true my husband felt it was.

That’s clear.

And no-one has said it was good on your husband’s part, but people reply to your whole post.

You write it, people reply to what you write. It’s a forum where people give opinions. Not just an echo chamber where folks are guaranteed full agreement with no further comment.

Your husbands comment was awful. You getting your bit in, in the way you described it, sounds unhelpful and undermining. So yes, you don’t sound like a good team.

Neither of you are covering yourselves in glory here - how can you possibly think “losing your shit countless times” is acceptable? Of course it’s aggressive and abusive, even if you don’t actually hit them. Ditto being “rough” with them.

Is this sort of thing really what you want your son to think is normal behaviour between family members? Do you want him, when he’s sixteen and taller and bigger than you, to treat you likewise?

OP,

This is NOT good.

You know that.

If you and your husband continuevon this path, there will be consequences for your son that I don't think you want.

You need to deal with this.
Calmly.
Your husband needs to rein it in.

Him blaming your son for the argument is just so mean, nasty and juvenile towards a small child.

Of course this is not good for your son.

As is his rough handling of your son.

I think you know well the issues.

Now you need to deal with it and protect your child.